The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Wanted to share my eleventh step miracle, amazing how Al-Anon works when you work it.
It was a very trying past week. AH (sober) and I were not getting along. I tried to talk to him, it did not go well, put me in a tizzy and things even worse between us. I started praying for knowledge of his will and the power to carry that out and opened my mind.
First thing my HP did was lead me here. I had not looked for any 12 step forums before, not sure why. But then it just popped into my head, seemingly from nowhere. I love to journal and write myself, and found here another part of what I need in my program, along with lots of wonderful people and ESH. What a blessing! And to have an AA and NA forum in the same place where I can read the flip side of the coin, so great.
Kept praying. Found myself digging into tons of CAL, then, for no particular reason, picked up the big book. Found exactly what I needed. Thank you HP!!
Knew I was going to have to talk to AH again, but I had no idea what to say. I needed the power to carry it out. I have been so fearful of him for so long...not physically, but the words would cut so deep. I have tried to set boundaries, I have tried to not accept unacceptable behavior, but always got sucked in. I didn't want to be mean, I didn't want to take his inventory, I didn't want to go thru one more round in the ring.
Went to my Saturday morning meeting, it was just what I needed to hear.
Kept praying. Saturday night, the words just came to me. I can't even remember exactly what I said, but it was firm without being mean, something I have never known how to do. He tried to suck me in, I brushed it off and stayed the course. he didn't have a lot to say. I'm used to the silent treatment and figured that was what was happening, but didn't mind. I knew in my heart I did right. After a while he came over and hugged me. I was shocked. He has been loving and kind since. thank you HP!!! Still didn't know what had happened tho.
Had my Sunday night meeting tonight (where I was an absolute mess last week) and we were on the history of Al-Anon in our blue book. The last paragraph we read was about Anne, who had once been painfully shy and full of crippling fear, then went on to be so crucial in the forming of Al-Anon. I knew that fear so well. More was revealed to me. While I had chipped away at that fear in so many aspects of my life, it was still a crippling fear with my AH. He still didn't believe the words I told him. He still didn't believe I could leave. I can't blame him for that, his addiction was full of empty words I said but never had the strength to carry out. I finally spoke with conviction and certainty to him and he believed those words. most importantly, I believe those words now. HP has shown me I do have the strength thru Him.
Not only that (which is more than enough!), all that anger and resentment seems to be melting away. I think maybe that anger and resentment I directed at him from his actions were really resentments against myself for being a doormat and taking unacceptable behavior. Imagine that
i feel great!!! SOOOOOO grateful. HP truly doesn't give us more than we can handle with His guidance. Thank you all for letting me share. xoxo
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I'll find strength in pain, and I will change my ways, I'll know my name as it's called again
Thank you for a wonderful example of HOW working the Steps, in particular Step 11 truly works. I too can identify with the feelings of " crippling fear " that you mentioned. Listening to that "Still Small Voice Within" is so very important and has given me the words and confidence that I lacked for so many years.
Every day I say the Third Step prayer when I awaken and when troubled stop for a moment, pray for the Knowledge of His will and THE POWER to carry it out. The most important part of Step 11 is that HP will give me the power to carry out His will-- and that I found is very true and gives me the confidence I was so sadly lacking
I love to read posts such as yours that are filled with progress, hope, desire to recover and magical outcomes when the 12 steps are applied. Well done
Oh, I love what you shared at the end about resentment. A lot of my resentment, I'm finding, is really resentment at myself for allowing the abuse and the people pleasing, etc. I was a doormat, and I didn't realize I should be angry at myself and work on that FOR ME. Thanks so much for your share!
