need advice please - Al-Anon Family Group

gemmas · Newbie

need advice please

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Infidelity is really not part of any dry drunk I ever heard of. Sounds like an excuse. I've seen women (and some men too) trying to lump infidelity and porn addiction and stuff into alcoholism. It's not part of the disease. I suppose it could be indirectly related but when I skip meetings, I don't suddenly get cravings to cheat on my partner. A dry drunk is me being irritable, argumentative, impatient, and edgy.

You could probably use some of the same alanon tools though. For some partners, kissing and grabbing butts would be acceptable cuz they'd rationalize it's harmless I suppose. He comes home to you. For me...for many others it would be disrespectful to the relationship you are in. Either this guy is ready to settle down and be a monogomous and mature partner...or he's not. Perhaps he's stuck in the singles club life meat market mentality. To me, this sounds more like the BS that a male dancer would tell you in terms of "It's part of my job." If a person is determined to not have certain things occur, they will stay out of environments where those things go on regularly.

If a person really really wants to change they will do whatever it takes. Most of my peers in AA had to quit working in clubs and quit going to them for the most part also. He may find that out in time but it's not an ideal job for someone who is trying to be committed and who also has substance problems (basically around flirty girls and drugs and alcohol all the time).

This knowledge is not something you can force into him either. Some people in early sobriety often wind up using their partners to make them "honest" men and women. It takes more time and experience for a person in recovery to come at you honest from the get go.

As far as telling him about snooping on his phone. I wouldn't. If you can share your emotions and concerns, fine. That's the issue anyhow - your concern over his fidelity and trust issues, not what he actually did. If you let him know you looked at his messages to his sponsor, that would be encouraging him to not confide in his sponsor. Sounds like he winds up telling you eventually anyhow.

So anyhow, either he's long term relationship material or he's not. Either he's gonna grow up and get out of the club/single's life atmosphere or not. What will you do as opposed to wishing for things and worrying about things that are not gonna happen or are not happening right now?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am also sorry to tell you, cheating, or any other abuse is not part of being an addict. Pink chip is right on.

Sounds to me like he has been messing around, knows you know, so brings up the, "oh I am feeling dry drunk" so when he admits, he blames that. Its all bolony.

"Getting Them Sober." great book, toby rice drews, volume one. amazon cheap used. It will tell ya the truths, you will see all you need to in it I promise.

A's do not love the same way non A's do. Most to not love themselves so they do not get the concept. Ones in serious recovery, can be loving in their way which can be very fulfilling.

Sadly he has shown you who he is, and it is not because he is an addict. You are wise to trust your intuition.

I am not sure I got the part about who would be responsible if your relationship fell apart. It sure would NOT be your fault. You have a right to know the truth, so you can decide if you want to live a life like this with him. If he is kissing, grabbing etc. Believe me he is doing MUCH more.

I would think about myself and not getting std's, and we know they can kill you!

We either accept them as is, learn to deal with the bolony, leave it the same, or we leave.

Myself the intimate part of a relationship is shared between two married people who want their relationship more than acting out on flirting and cheating. It's the ONE thing two people can share that no one else is a part of.

I see red flags glaring in your post hon. I know it hurts, boy do I. We are here to support you.

I invite you to think of yourself, your needs, your wants, do you want a guy who cheats on you, and lies? Lieing is one thing when they are on a program of recovery that they are learning not to do. hows that going? not.

It hurts but I am telling you, for me to have cut myself off from my ex AH has been soooo nice. Took awhile but now I a in love with a moral non A man that was so worth all the pain of leaving the lying, stealing, stinky, boring, AH.

Please keep coming. This site saved me. hugs,debilyn

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

The best advice someone ever gave me (not that I took it right away) was, "When someone tells you who they are, believe them." Maybe the word shouldn't be tells -- I think it should probably be shows. Because people tell us what they want us to believe, but they show us who they really are.

It sounds to me as if this man is showing you who he really is -- someone who likes to keep flirting, kissing, and touching women besides the one he's involved with. So the question is: is that the kind of man you're okay with? (Some women would be -- not many, probably, but a few.) Because people generally stay who they are. If they feel pressure, they hide the way they are, but they usually don't change it.

I think the thing about confronting him is that (if he's like the men I've been involved with) he'll either deny thing, blame you for snooping (even though you snooped because you were legitimately worried), or be dismissive. Usually confronting doesn't have the desired effect. I think maybe now the question is: Is being who he is okay for you, or would you fare better in a relationship with someone who shares your thoughts about flirting? Because taking care of yourself is the most important thing.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Gemmas,

I agree with Pinkchip. Look at, and discuss, the reasons why you feel insecure and then hold your head up high. Mentioning the text is only going to cause grief for both of you and it is possible to look at that text in positive way - he has behaved like a fool, he clearly knows it, and he has mentioned it to the one person, his sponsor, who is most likely to set him straight. He did that for a reason. That reason may be because he does not want to behave badly and he does not want to loose you. Give him time. Let him deal with it in his own way. Perhaps his sponsor will be talking some good sense into him. If you are comfortable to let this one go then make it your choice to let it go - that way you won't be fostering anger and resentment. Take pride in what you choose to do.

In the meantime you've got needs too - and they matter a lot. It is great that you two can talk so why not think about what you need in order to feel more secure in the relationship? If your boyfriend was showing that he loved being with you would that help? Would he like it if you suggested a lovely date together? He would probably really like you to trust him. You would probably love it if you felt that you could trust him. So what would that take?

Finally, are you being a bit hard on yourself in your last two lines of your post? Of course it is not you who is causing your relationship to fall apart, don't even go there. And deep down I suspect that your boyfriend is worried that he might be loosing you (I know my AH was scared stiff that I would leave and still can not fathom why I stuck by him when he was being a pillock!!). Don't worry about loosing your boyfriend - he is more likely to loose you

Be gentle with yourself and take pride in who you are.

This is a great place for help so keep coming back.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi And welcome, I put up with a lot of unacceptable behaviour becausre me patner was sick or in early recovery. Today I am in reciovery too and I have learnt that because of alcoholism I turned my back on myself. Al anon has learnt me that people normally treat me how I let them, I can not change my partner but I can change my behaviour. My beliefs and attutudes are o much healthier today thanks to lots of al anon meetings and reading al anon liertature. Today I have boundaries for behaviour and my partner knows I care about myself today. Inthe pst my abf was unfaithful, I have decided if he ever goes missing again or is unfaithful I will leave I desearve better. He is 6 months sober sometimes when he is agitated he snaps, I leave the room I will no longer be sopoken to this way. Yes they are sick and it sounds like he is trying to get better, hope you go to al anon to get better too!!! it works if you work it and YOU are worth it hugs tracy xxxxx

gemmas · Newbie

Thank you all for your advice. It has really helped relieve a lot of the distress I felt earlier today. I really liked what you said that I should hold my head up high and also thanks for the positive perspective :)

I will definitely keep coming back. It is a great support and I'm very grateful for all of you sharing your experiences. I will pick up the face2face meetings again and work on me. In the meantime I will work on detachment and boundaries but trust my A and be loving.

Thank you again. It means a lot. I feel much more positive and confident in what is the next right step for me.

Hugs!

RobinKSC · Veteran Member

keep coming back, meetings work for me face to face and online....hope to see u soon...

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