I've been feeling very sad, lonely, anxious and depressed for the past few weeks.  My Mom passed unexpectedly in May from stomach cancer - diagnosed and ten days later she died, at the age of 58.  My AH has not made any progress in his program and has been (unsuccessfully) trying to persuade me that he's been sober for at least a week.  I moved out of our apartment in August and am in the process of filling out the divorce papers.  He is now trying to say that I'm not trying hard enough to save the marriage, even though I have been trying since the very beginning and have been utilizing so much of my energy trying to be supportive and enforce healthy boundaries.  I'm down, really down, and just want to crawl into bed and hide.  Work is suffering, my friends are sick of hearing about it and I'm not enjoying the things that are really good around me, like the children my friends and family are having.  I am having a HUGE problem with acceptance - I don't want to come home to an empty apartment every evening.  I want to be married and I want to be having children.  I'm resenting friends and family of mine having babies.  Which I know is ridiculous because it's not all candy and ribbons - I know it's hard.  I know that my perception of a relationship is hardly the reality of that relationship.  I'm jealous and envious though - I feel like I have no purpose and that everyone else's lives are moving along and mine is staying exactly where it has been for the past 3 years since I got married.

I'm trying really hard to stay positive - trying to recognize all the good stuff when it happens.  But it's getting harder and harder.  I'm sure a big part of it is the New York City winter getting to me.  I miss my long walks in the park and my wanderings in neighborhoods I'm not familiar with.  I miss companionship, someone to chat with about music, politics, art, literature.  I know there are groups and meetings and lectures out there but my self-confidence is so low that I am reluctant to partake in any.  I am also loathe to make a commitment to do anything because my mood is so maudlin and unattractive that I don't want to share it.

I know that once the divorce is over, the weather is nicer and I can begin to enjoy myself a bit more this too will pass and life will continue.  I miss my mom and my husband and the "ideal" of married life that I had for so long.  I miss the children I don't have, I miss the friends I haven't seen since they had children and have been wrapped up in their bundles of joy.  I'll keep pushing forward though.  Grateful that I was able to get out of bed and get to work today, because yesterday I couldn't.  I'm going to keep reminding myself not to beat myself up, to take it one day at a time, to take care of myself, do what makes me feel good (even if that means allowing myself a good 10 minute cry here and there) and to reach out (even if by email or by posting on here) to people who care about and love me so that I can remind myself that I am not alone.  And I am going to remind myself that my husband's disease is responsible for his delusional behavior and that I am not.  

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful day.