The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Although my hubbie has been in recovery for 4 years (me about 8) I still experience the same hurt (now I am aware of the hurt, before al anon I would not acknowledge it) from the same kinds of choices he made when he was in the active stages of his substance/sexual addictions. Throughout our marriage, he made choices to spend time being with other people/doing work for other people that praised him, complimented him, made him feel loved, etc. He is the guy that can fix anything, so he had lots of calls for "help". He would leave the kids and I to go places alone (he had many reasons for not going places with us, ususally work related), unless we were attending a family event or an event of his choosing. This left me feeling like I was not enough and exhausted; and, in anger, he had no problem telling me what others provided him that I did not. I also saw him as a bottomless pit for needing his needs met. When I began al anon, it took me a long time to begin feeling my emotions and boy was I one pissed off woman. I was exhausted stuffing those emotions. I do a pretty good job taking care of myself now, yet, I am finding myself feeling hurt over a choice he made on Sunday and surprised that we cannot discuss the issue. Here is the situation...I so want the see what I am not seeing here:
A few years ago, my husband and I attended a particular church (he more than me). He established a relationship with a husband, wife, and their 40 year old daughter..they would all meet in the lobby for coffee about 1/2 hour before the 9 0'clock service. They were sweet people, but I noticed the wife and my husband were becoming pretty emeshed in each other's live's with texting, e-mailing, etc. I did not feel it was sexual, however, one morning I went to the 9 service and my husband greeted the daughter with a kiss on the lips. I felt like I had been hit in the stomach. No matter what I expressed about how it affected me, I was met with defensiveness. To make a long story short, I stopped going to that 9 0' clock service, but he continued. Then he came to his own realization that it was a very co-dependent relationship so he stopped going to the 9 service; we began attending an 11 0'clock service, but I could sense a longing in him as he missed this family. At Christmas I decided to not take feelings of resentment/hurt into the new year over this family, so I opted to go to the 9 service and greet them. We hugged and that was that. My husband has since gone back to that 9 service with this family, sits with them and if he does not go, he texts them to let them know he won't be there. This past Sunday, I decided to go to another church at a 9 0'clock service (so it was at the same time of the service with the family), as we were having our children over to celebrate birthdays and I needed to cook. I was torn whether or not to even go, as I knew it was going to cause him turmoil. I asked myself what was for my highest good and decided it was the service at the new church at the earlier time. I asked him if he would like to go with me and his response was a emphatic "no" I need to go to the 9 o'clock service at Northridge (the church with the family). I asked him why he needed to go and his response was that the relationships at that service "feed" him and help get him through the week
Through a few al anon meetings this week, I have seen that my expectations of his choices are higher since his recovery. I have expressed my feelings (lots of hurt) about this situation as best I could in a loving, non attacking way, including that I loved him deeply and wanted to spend time with him (I received no reponse...I could have been talking to my wall); his reactions feel like I am talking to an addiction. I haved moved into feeling anger. He asked me to "forgive his humanity" and he did things that were of his sinful nature. I said what the hell does that mean? He got mad. I certainly want him to receive the nourishment he needs and I will reach for healthy nourishment for me. I always question whether I am overreacting...I know I am sensitive from the years of self-neglect as a result of his addictions and my co-dependency. I don't want to be neglectful of me or anyone.
I treasure feedback that will help me grow..if you pick up that I am overreacting or unforgiving or whatever, please let me know. Thanks for reading such a long share.
I read your post slowly and processed your thoughts quietly before I responded. I do believe that what you are seeing and stating is valid You have focused on yourself, your needs, your beliefs placed principle above personalities and the outcome is still the same.
I do not know his experience with fidelity but, like you I find his statement about his "sinful nature" unsettling. I hear that he insists on going to the Church that his friends attend and since he is your husband, and you want to spend time with him I do believe that I would begin to attend the same church and become an integral part of the little social club. You have verbalized your concern now it is time to stand by your marriage and not permit this little connection to continue while you simply walk away
Many times in my life I experienced similar situations with my husband(who was a newspaper reporter, with many ,many friends). I, thinking I was being such a non controlling "good" wife , ignored many situations that were troubling just to let him be free and have a good time. In retrospect I see I was wrong.
This is merely an opinion Take what you like and leave the rest.
Thank you so much Betty. I am tearful knowing that you read through the post slowly and reflected back to me, as my heart has been very heavy over this situation and many others. Bless you and have a wonderful day.
Hot Rod and Paula - thank you for your share and for the wonderful response. I am in the same situation myself right now. If there was infidelity with just the one person at this time, I feel like I would stand by this marriage. Unfortunately, as I'm finding more out every day, it wasn't just her - this behavior started even before we were married.
Also, my AH is in rehab at this point but has insisted on maintaining this relationship in very negative ways without concern for his own well-being...she shows up to his AA meetings with his dog as a lure. He hid his cell phone on himself (somehow) and they have been communicating at all hours of the day and night. He has begun to integrate her into his life - i.e. MIL, daughter.
The boundary of fidelity is paramount in my belief of marriage. I would be willing to work on it if I saw that he was working on his behaviors and his program. Obviously that's not happening.
I've decided that I can and will cheer him on (if he chooses sobriety) from the sidelines, but I can't be a player on the field anymore.
I did exactly what Hot Rod did - listened to his deceptions and, against my better judgment, tried to relate that he was trying to reconnect with old friends. I also ignored many situations that were troubling is the name of detachment. My soul won't let me have that boundary crossed anymore.
Blondie, These are difficult experiences. My heart does not want to see what my body knows and my mind is having a field day. Thank God for the 12 steps and recovery. Blessings to you too and lots of prayers for you and yours. Paula
PP My experience of this Alanon dis-ease is the self doubt. Alcoholics have the ability to somehow make us see their unacceptable behaviour and find ourselves feeling guilty and responsible.
I have spent a long time building my self inventory, searching through the blueprint for answers. If only I could find the right shortcoming to work on I'd be able to find serenity. My obsession and frustration grew with my search. I have typed the whole of the blueprint into my computer, hoping that would help. I've been through the Pathways to recovery, and used the co dependancy guidelines for step 4. I've used the big book, and the Joe McQ book. I've written and typed, and talked to my sponsor till I'm blue in the face. But the resentments stayed....
I've learned just this year, 16 years after I first walked into the rooms of Alanon.....that I cannot force solutions. I have to include my Higher Power in my programme. I have to really exercise the first 3 steps.....accepting my powerlessness over people places and things..... sharing at meetings, because I am only a power of one.....in my meetings among other members a higher power is simply maths, ever member is a power of one. Therefore the room itself becomes a power greater than me. I can share and HEAR my own situation, trying to see perspective..........and step 3, really getting to know the God of my understanding. In my case that has meant getting into conversation with my parish priest and getting an opinion that is NOT Alanon..... It has been quite an eye opener to hear a priest say how hard I am on myself and that the God of my understanding doesn't need me to work so hard.....
My husband did what he did and does what he does....and I have to see MY choices, not his. I had to experience MY rock bottom....and work out what I could and couldn't deal with. I had to meditate on the Serenity prayer, and have the courage to change the things I could. (this lead to a seperation...but we have been back together for a few years again now)
I had to REALLY work within my one day only and concentrate on the positives that are happening and not the negatives. Its hard when other peoples behaviour creates the negatives.
The dis-ease of Alanon stops us being able to see ourselves as a worthy human being. Their needs always comes first, even after years of recovery.
I found serenity this year not in step 4 but in step 6 and 7 I had to become entirely ready and willing to be willing to heal.... I had to become aware of my own part in allowing negative behaviours to continue.... What was I allowing to be seen as acceptable, when I definately really see it as unacceptable........ simply by passively going a long with it (grumbing as I go)
I had to find the humility to let go of my need to fix the situation (and my need to feel bad about it ! ) and to see it for what it is..... I had to stop stamping my feet when I didn't get my own way.....and let go .... by starting to live the way I needed to and setting my own boundaries so that I could re establish my own standards and live by them.....and not by the standards my husband dictates.
It leads to some tough choices with consequences and fear.....
I hear a lot about step 4 being the centre of this programme, and where we all find ourselves. For me it didn't work that way. My inventory showed me how much fear and anxiety I was living with....but I was still blaming myself and trying to find a way to stop it. I was accepting responsibility for the behaviours of others....behaviours that didn't belong to me.
I now know that sort of obsession is not healthy. Step 4 is simply a list. Every shortcoming has its opposite. Neither end of the scale is healthy. For instance, Honesty and Dishonesty are obviously opposite ends of the same shortcoming. You'd think honesty is the end to aim for. However extreme honesty is very painful to others. You don't tell someone things that are hurtful, you exercise some empathy and protect someones feelings. Dishonesty is obviously not a good trait, but sometimes, to celebrate someones artistic flair is the best thing to do, even if we don't like what ever it is...... The aim of step 4, for me, is not to fish out my traits, but to find the balance needed between the extremes.
I too tend to be co dependant. I'm a terrible people pleaser......Therefore the shortcoming of selfishness and selflessness....the two extremes, mean that I am actually aiming towards selfishness.....simply to find the centre position of balance.... I'm already at the extreme of selflessness....
It feels alien and in many ways, and quite sinful...... (theres a Catholic word for you....sorry, I can't think of another word). It feels like I'm moving against my inventory (which in my head is the move toward sainthood somehow !!!! ) and finding what feels like negative behaviours instead of positive ones. It all feels a bit backwards.... Progress not perfection. This programme is not there to teach me perfection, but how to find serenity...peace of mind within my day, one day at a time.
This programme is about allowing me to live one day at a time, in serenity, despite the drama and chaos I find myself in. If I am finding life unmanageable its because I am focusing on the needs of others.....and ignoring my own needs.
Thats step one....back to basics.....which I have to do often.
step 10 for me is about reviewing my day....what allowed me serenity and what has felt unmanagable....what have I to feel grateful for and where has MY behaviour been heading in the wrong direction (away from the centre balanced position). when have I allowed my own needs to be overlooked. step 11 for me is about planning my new day......putting my HP in front of my will, and accepting that I have no power over what will happen during my day. My job is to look for Gods gift for me during that day...something simple and unexpected that makes me smile.
I really feel for you....you're obviously finding your husbands choices unbearable..... Theres no right or wrong answer to whats going on....
Its about YOUR choices. We give away our own serenity as we become the puppet for others to play with...... I hope you find my ramblings in someway helpful
PP - you wrote in your post that you are dealing with past issues with your husband that you have not let go of completely. You have not let go of jealous and some amounts of codependency etc... Sounds like to a degree you are still bracing for him to hurt you and that creates some trust problems and trying to control him when you can't. Not saying he's right. I guess he is what he is and you are also a work in progress. It's okay.
It's frustrating that a recovering addict/alcoholic gets to say "I need this for my recovery" and you are left feeling like you have no ground to stand on cuz if you argue you are now the @#$#$ that is sabotaging his recovery. In reality we both know that addict/alcoholics often do what they want, excuse their own negative behaviors and then expect you to cosign their bullcrap. It's a fine line you would be treading to challenge the bullcrap versus go along with it. I can't tell you when or how it's worth a challenge versus not. Does he "need" to go to this church - no probably not. Has he found a place where he feels he fits in like AA meetings - yeah probably. Is it inappropriate with this "other family?" Dunno. When I came to AA 4 years ago, my boundaries were really crappy. They are better now, but still a work in progress. You don't need to police his boundaries, but I also understand protecting your ego from harm.
Remember, you were the one that decided not to take feelings of resentment into the new year and you encouraged going back to the 9 am service. You have a resentment now. This is on your side of the street. Careful of double bind situations. That would include doing things that wind up coming out like "I don't care what you do honey" immediately followed up by "I don't like what you did!" Your husband sees some good in these folks. Likely, he sees the negative too as you mentioned. Maybe you can do the same or just let it go. Bending him to your will is going to frustrate you both.
f2fmember, I found your post very helpful. I read through it twice and will print it off so I can let it soak in. Thank you for your complete and thoughtful reponse.
pinkchip, You are spot on regarding the resentments, co-dependency, trust, double bind issues, etc, etc. I want peace..sometimes in the midst of his choices, my expectations of what his choices (and others) should look like get me into trouble. Too much heaviness lately, today I will have coffee with a friend and hang out in a bookstore for a bit. Thank you for your down to earth response.
