The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm getting so fed up with aw finding fault with everything I do. Even though I know that I've done nothing wrong it hurts that she makes me out to be this completely self centered uncaring person. Because I would not drop my plans to go the gym today and take son to get new eyeglasses then I "care more about your friends and having fun is more important than your child's eyesight".
I suffer from severe depression and she will not recognize, even though I have explained to her many times, that exercising is a major part of the reason I am doing well since I got out of the hospital. Add to that the fact that I haven't been to the gym in two weeks and have felt like iwas slipping down again , I considered it absolutely necessary to my own well being. Add to that the fact that since my car blew up it is making it hard to get to the gym except when my friend is going. Add on top of that that my mother was willing to take them anyway... instead of me borrowing her car to do same.
... but Iam a selfish 'xxxx' for trying to take care of myself. Truth is that it was me who brought up the fact he needed to get new glasses in the first place. Oh and it was me who called his school to inquire about his report card(the lack thereof actually), and it was me who he said he'd rather live with the last time you threw one of your " i'm leaving at the beginning of next month" tirades and forced our children to pick sides.
I am sick to death of her telling me how terrible a father I am when it is her who went to jail for wanton endangerment for driving drunk with the kids in the car (i fell asleep on the couch during her visit home from halfway house and she stole my car and t he kids) It was her who her who let him go swimming in a ditch after a rainstorm (had her remmoved from the house with EPO after that one)... I could go on and on...
I don't know why I put up with her... I am so angry... It's times like these that I almost wish I had not called EMS when she overdosed on pills and alcohol some years back. Maybe I should have let her die and then we would all be better off now
.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Friday 22nd of February 2013 12:17:55 PM
I am so glad that you posted here and validated yourself with so much clarity. You see and know the truth about the kind of marriage partner and parent you are and have been. I admire your actions of going to the gym. Your anger is valid so posting here is a step in releasing it. Detaching from your wife's comments is the next step,
I know that you want her approval and acceptance more than anything and this is what is so painful. Alanon taught me that expecting this is like going to the hardware store for bread. I had to learn to keep the focus on myself, to validate myself and accept that what others say or think of me is none of my business. I had to stop taking it personally.
In order to not let the negative attacks into my soul, I found that I needed to validate myself in my mind daily I would make an asset list and add to it each morning At first it was hard but became easier and easier and my self esteem grew. I also used this list when my ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) surfaced and I was immediately calmed and back in reality
Here is an example of an asset list
I am an Imperfect Human who is working on myself and I am , Intelligent, Kind, generous, compassionate, a good husband, a good father, a good son, I am responsible, caring --------- you can add to this
Looking at this and repeating this often I finally accepted the truth about me and no matter what others said I was convinced about whom I was and it was easy to not engage.
Please keep taking care of you.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 21st of February 2013 09:59:16 AM
I have been where you are, I am so sorry for what you are going thru. Everything was always my fault. If I didn't drop everything at his whim there was hell to pay. It is not a very fun way to live.
She is trying to shift blame and shame so she doesn't have to feel it herself. That is what alcoholics do. It is SO hard not to react, but it does a world of good not to. You know the truth that you are not to blame, right? try to remember that when she hits you with one of these attacks. That and the 3 C's.
HP never gives you more than you can handle with his help. Look for your HPs guidance. I have found myself to come out of "bad" situations feeling stronger. It would be nice if we all didn't have to go thru them at times, but we learn a lot along the way.
I personally think it is ok to vent and let the feelings out to a safe audience...here, a sponsor, an alanon friend. My default feeling is anger and I still have to get thru that sometimes to see the true picture of what's going on.
much love to you, keep getting to the gym when you can and work on yourself despite the other chaos.
__________________
I'll find strength in pain, and I will change my ways, I'll know my name as it's called again
DP - I am not sure I have any profound answers but I do identify. I have also suffered from depression and tolerating unacceptable behaviors from partners in relationships in the past. For me, I accepted it because my self-esteem was so low. The stinging emotional abuse kept me prisoner cuz I partially believed that I was a piece of crap and I deserved to hear that stuff. That was my depression. My depression also kept me scared and paralyzed to move on. It was a vicious cycle. Eventually through my HP's divine intervention I guess....I did have a moment of clarity and realized I could do lots better for myself. I could do better with my HP's help. So while I still have depression, I'm not depressed and I don't have room for folks that drag me down. My having depression is no reason to stay in sucky and abusive relationships that just perpetuate the depression or make it worse (don't read advice into this - it's just been my experience). I thought I had to put up with crap from others cuz I was some sort of mental defect. Turns out that is not the case.
I thank all for the responses... it validates the way i feel. Also some very good advice on how to deal with how these attacks make me feel.. or rather how to not let them make me feel. I like the idea of reminding myself daily of who I know I am and not using her as my mirror so to speak. thanks again.
Wow... your post certainly brings back tons of memories for me.... I remember feeling those same feelings, and they are very real (not to mention exhausting).
I used to get reminded to "stop going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread" as in, why would we seek/expect a sick and irrational person to behave in healthy and rational ways?
I got one of those "ah ha" moments, during the worst of my wife's active stage... she had been living downstairs, literally drunk for two months straight.... I lived upstairs, with our two kids (4 and 2 at the time) - I had the kids in fulltime daycare, was working fulltime, fed, bathed, and cared for the kids the whole time, as my AW was incapable at that stage of her disease.... One night, after getting the kids tucked in, I was cleaning up the kitchen, and my AW stumbled upstairs, and lit into me about what a pathetic father I was, and how the kids weren't being cared for properly, and I think I'm so great, etc"
I didn't get mad (which was a rarity at that time) - in fact, quite the opposite.... I could see her comments for what they were at the time... a very sick, hurt person - lashing out against what was hurting her the most - the fact that she was incapable of taking care of her own children.... I was actually able to separate my emotion from her comments - possibly for the first time - and not only didn't react, per se, but also felt that they were (almost) humorous, and I actually felt sorry for her.
It's kind of like when our A's blame us for their drinking issues.... my sponsor used to say "of course she's mad at you, for it is YOU that is making it uncomfortable to remain in her disease, and continue to do what she has been doing"
Hang in there DP, and dive into YOUR program... She may get better (my ex-AW is now over ten years sober, and there were many times I never believed that would happen), or she may not.... either way, getting yourself healthy, and past this anger, is the best longterm solution for you
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
