The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So yesterday when I had the 2nd oldest out doing his driving training, as he went to open the door to get out of the vehicle, the door handled snapped off. So today I am headed out with what is left of my day off to work on fixing the handle because I am not interested in climbing over the center console to get out the passenger door several times a day. Now, I have never fixed a door handle on a car, but I am just one of those people who do what needs to get done and do it myself most of the time. In my marriage, I did it all. I did the basic things that most men do around the house and to the cars. I did all the chores, cleaned the house, mowed the lawn, maintained the house repairs and did EVERYTHING there was to do around the house. So today I am getting ready to go out and do a vehicle thing and I find myself very very ticked off. I have been feeling really good, no desire to see him or talk to him. I have been managing everything on my own. Kids are doing great and things are wonderful. I feel really good. I am so glad to not have him in my life or around us. He was so unhealthy for everyone, the kids and I. He is not ready to find his own recovery and I just can't have his level of disfunction around myself and the kids. I don't understand why I am incredibly angry at him today about the car repair. Even if we were together I would be doing it anyways. He never helped with anything. I don't know how to do most things, I just figure it out. Youtube is a big help in this department. I don't understand the anger today because its not like my chore would have had a different outcome if he had still been in our lives. I am angry that I was forced, even during my marriage, to take on the role that I wanted my help mate to take on. I am angry that I had to do all the things that he had promised to be there for me on. And I am angry that he broke his promise to me, to love and cherish. And while I know that alcoholism is a disease that he has no control over, he is the one choosing this. He chose alcohol over his family. He chose to divorce me rather than become sober. A bottle of wine ended up being more important than me. Right now I am so full of hate for him. I have not felt this way for a very long time. I felt relief at being free of the drama and chaos that surrounded him. I have been angry, hurt and really confused but I can honestly say that I have yet to feel hate for him. Today I absolutely hate him and hate is just not an emotion I usually feel. I am glad that this too shall pass.
Hi cinders, I can so relate to feeling hate. I wasn't very familiar with that feeling but wow. I felt like I wanted to hurt him, beat him up. I bumped into him during this period and I gave him a mouthful in the middle of the street. Really hateful, then I had to apologise. Anyway, it did pass. I think it's part of healing. Just go with it, find a safe outlet. Take care.x
That's one of the emotions I am feeling today, along with anger, despair, fear and hurt. Not love. I can't even remember what it feels like to love my son, even though I am pretty sure I have loved him so much.
There is a large part of me that wants to see him but I don't think I ever will. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell him how angry I am, how disappointed and how wrong what he has done is. We have been apart since the first week of November and have not seen each other even once, I don't think I will ever run in to him, which is odd since we live in small communities. Guess that is what happens though when all you do is sit in your house and drink, only leaving to get food and more alcohol. I want so badly to give him a piece of my mind and I think I am angry because it won't do any good and I know that. I know that if someone I loved shared and they wanted nothing but the best for me, I would pause and listen to their advise and suggestions. I care about what those around me have to say and value their support. It infuriates me that there is not a thing I could say that he will hear, that no matter what happens to me or the kids, he will not give a dang and he will continue to be self centered and drunk. I want to scream with anger and hatred. Not something I am use to. I want to drive to his house and break all of his windows. Stand on the street and throw rocks till there is not a single piece of glass standing. I won't do it because I am just not that kind of person but I am so angry and wish I could tell him. I have not felt this kind of anger before and it actually scares me a bit.
Hey Cinders--
I Can feel the intensity of your anger in your post. Anger is one of the stages of grief and you are grieving the loss of your relationship, the loss of your hopes and dreams with your partner. Of course you are angry. I sense you are feeling the depth of your awareness of your powerlessness over alcohol--anger often comes before acceptance. Feel your feelings--write them out, exercise them out with physical activity, talk to your sponsor or Al-Anon friend, pray to your HP, repeat The Serenity Prayer as your mantra all day. Experience the feelings, but don't let them control you. Don't stay there too long. Hugs to you...
Crazycatlady
Cinders, I can relate. It's a combo of anger at him for having treated you so poorly and anger at yourself for allowing it to happen. The program teaches us to look at our pasts, but not to stare at the past. It's when I'm really overly honed into the past that I feel that level of resentment. If you can stay in today as much as possible, it helps. Nothing so bad is happening today cuz of him. In fact, things are better.
I find myself thinking about some of my exes for prolonged periods. Next thing I know I am thinking, If I see my ex (one of them in particular) driving around town I am going to get out of the car and scream at him or punch him cuz he's a cheating loser a-hole. I start thinking how it would be nice to let folks at his church know that he is a cheating sex addict. Okay...well this guy is not in my life anymore and it's been done a long time. BUT - he hurt me. Plain and simple. If I think too long about it, I can get myself worked up all over again. It's done and it's only when I ruminate too long on the past that I forget I did do the right thing. I moved on to bigger and better things.
Cinders, i can relate so much to your feeling hate. reading your post made me reflect and feel..finally. i kept it inside for such a long time and it was poisoning me from the inside. I think it's ok to feel those feelings too, they belong to the situation of disappointment and broken hope. and what pinchkip says is also soooo right 't's a combo of anger at him for having treated you so poorly and anger at yourself for allowing it to happen.' I feel like that too. and I need to forgive myself for that also at some point. Not staring at the past....it happened, it hurt, i am feeling every feeling that comes with it, and I will move on...when the time is right. It's a mourning process, and I guess I'm right where i need to be. being aware of a feeling, feeling it and letting go....and moving on...yay..I'm looking forward to that part...but one step after the other...because I want to close that chapter for good....one day at a time. Thanks a lot for sharing, in support....may peace come and the smile with it. (((Cinders)))
Wow! That could be me at times! (I just did my car brakes this weekend...do what needs to be done because he's not going to.) Then it's over, divorced and all I could think about was beating him to a pulp. There are posts about my anger here. I'm glad you posted. I'm glad the others have responded because they are right - it will process through you and pass. I still have moments of anger but they are fewer and with less intensity. Members here said that and they were right. I just hated being so angry as its not like me. It's important to feel the feeling and let it pass.
I live in the same town and people fill me in so that's tough - but I'm getting better at stopping it; ignoring it and plain old walking away from it! I look forward to the day I can move. His BFF lives down my street and I am the corner house. So it's really not easy! But getting easier!
I also exercise, hike and socialize more so that is helpful for me. I too send you ((hugs)) as you work through your healing as well!
