The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I am struggling. I WANT to be at my bottom-the point where I walk away (with love). I want to be done, but I've admitted that I'm not. I'm not there (at the "10" mentioned in another post the other day). To be clear, I'm not deciding divorce, simply pondering asking him to leave until clean or leaving with our daughter until then.
Am I doing God's will by staying? I've always been taught that there are only a few reasons God accepts for walking away, and what AH has done isn't one of them (that I know about, lol!)
Or am I simply addicted to him? Is that my hang-up? Am I addicted to our life together, as hellish as it is?
I have fought for our marriage for years, against a multitude of evils. I have done so willingly and knowingly, regardless of the outcome. But now I wonder and wish I could just give up. But I can't. Is it because this is God's plan or because I'm addicted?
Thanks for listening. I can't make a meeting today (job interview-please be praying for me to find a job that supports my daughter and I in the situation that I have to do so alone) and needed to share.
#30
I understand your struggle from the pain and frustration in your words. I can only tell you that you will know when you have hit your bottom. My situation went on and on for years, me always killing him with kindness, praying that my love would be enough to get him sober. This program is teaching me that his behavior is out of my control, and I can only control myself. I have soooo much more to learn, but even the little i know now has helped to bring me peace and serenity. Please keep coming back, read the literature, go to meetings. Take care of you.
I don't know your situation, but I can't think that God wants our children to grow up with chaos and the idea that drunkenness and lies are normal. I know when I was trying to understand what I should do, I kept thinking, "But I've put so much effort into this, I can't just walk away and make it all for nothing! Not just before he might change!" But of course the changing was something I wanted, not something he wanted. And it was already all for nothing -- it didn't take my walking away to make it so. When I saw that our child was going to grow up with the madness, that's what spurred me to make the break. Before then I was really stuck, by fear and grief and not wanting it to be what it was. I didn't seem to be able to take care of myself very well. But I saw more clearly when it came to our son. I hope you'll take care of yourself and your children, whatever the future holds.
