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A lot of well meaning people have been trying to tell me that I need to turn AH in somehow. He rents cars out of state while traveling for work and drives them illegally because he's on a restricted interlock device license issued in our state. My friend suggested I call the rental car company and make them aware. Another good friend is appalled that I know he drinks and then drives these cars and that I don't do anything about it. She thinks I should call the local authorities. There are other people, too.
My mom thinks I should legally separate to see if I can protect my assets, just in case AH does something stupid again. I am inclined to agree with her. My head is a jumble with all kinds of thoughts and my heart is overwhelmed with feelings ranging from anger to pity to compassion to resentment. Over and over it all I go. It never stops even when I tell myself because he'll travel and I'll be sitting at home praying that he doesn't get any type of traffic ticket. Even a minor ticket can get the rental car impounded and we'd have to pay the fines. In CA, the fine for driving on a suspended license is a minimum $5000! Yet, I am a sap because I don't want to turn him in and have him risk his job. The job market sucks right now and with a DUI on his record he won't be very employable for his career(in sales). I'm just so torn: wondering always what is the right thing to do? Does my HP want me to step in or sit down and shut up? I hate this indecision and I swear it's how I live my married life. I have no trouble making decisions in other areas of my life but this stuff always stumps me.
It's always hard to know how much to intervene, but I think your call to protect yourself is clear. I wonder if you could talk to a lawyer about how to separate your assets so you're not vulnerable to his misbehavior. I know that if I'd been legally liable for my ex-AH's financial problems, I would have lost literally everything I have by now, including my retirement savings and my house. I'd be starting from scratch -- not pretty. Not only was there an incredibly expensive DUI, but he turned out to be a compulsive spender to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars. All this went on out of sight, but I could tell that he was bad with money and so I protected my assets -- one of the few right choices I made early in the relationship. I think a couple of hours with a lawyer could potentially save you thousands of dollars.
If you turned him in for renting cars against court orders, etc., that might stop that particular incident. If he lost his job, he might not drive drunk for his job (but he would probably drive drunk for other things). As you know, the insane behavior will still go on in one way or another. If we could stop that, we would have figured out how to do that by now. What strikes me is that the part you do have the power to control is what happens when some of the crazy behavior becomes known -- because it would be a miracle if it didn't happen sooner or later. Do take care of yourself.
I think going to a lawyer to see where you stand financially is a good idea. If he were to drink and drive and hurt someone they would come after you too. A good job or not, what he is doing is illegal - driving on a suspended license. I know it is hard when we love our husbands but it should be about taking care of you. I am sorry you are going through this. Take care.
Gawd -- it's so hard. I floundered in this head space for years (I wish I hadn't...bc I knew in my heart what needed to happen...I just couldn't do it...I was STUCK).
You are stronger than you know...and you know what you need to do. Take a deep breath, steel yourself against the oncoming storm...and protect yourself from your AH's shenanigans. You deserve to be protected from his BS. YOU DESERVE to be safe...physically, and financially.
Drinking and driving? I always think of a guy who we all knew regularly drank and drove...he killed a family of four. Think-- can you live with something like that happening in this situation? If the answer is no, make the call. I report drunk drivers all the time..why should we hesitate when we know them?
oh my dear...I wish you were here so I could hug you in person...this stuff is really just awful...but you can and will have the strength to do what you decide you need to do...
us girls are made of stronger stuff than we give ourselves credit for...
