Hey Pushka-- These crises are so difficult! Here are my thoughts...was his drinking alcohol a cause of the accident? You need him to facilitate paperwork, but is it guaranteed that he will if you pick him up? Is this potential entanglement and the possibility if a momentary loss of your peace and serenity by doing this worth the chance that he will follow through with the paperwork issue and release the money owed to you? Will the money owed to you be released at some point anyway? Quite simply is entering the chaos worth it to you? A's have LOTS of people to call--they are very resourceful! He is calling you because you have likely been his go-to when his life unmanageability gets too much. You do not have to be that person anymore if you don't want to be. You know this because you are divorcing (right?). Protecting your peace and serenity and detachment is the most important thing as you grow and heal. It's so hard to know what to do in the immediate crisis. Hugs to you and whatever feels right for YOU! Crazycatlady

I checked on my ex-A one time after we broke up and he called me drunk after totalling his car. He was playing the pity card I guess. I called my sponsor before and after and I checked my motives. I was going cuz I thought he might be hurt worse than he knew (cuz he was wasted) and to see if I needed to call 911 (since he wrecked the car close to home on a telephone pole or something and then just drove home). After that, I learned he'll always be okay and it's mostly drama. If he's not okay - well, that's not my problem either.

I guess my thoughts are that you still seem very wrapped up in him - what goes on with him who he's with and why he is doing what he is doing. This anger is healthier than depression and "poor me" attitude, but it's still not detachment. If you really want to protect your sanity and serenity - I would stay distant from him. He is a tornado whirling out of control and you are basically asking "Is it okay to go play next to this tornado?" Well....you might learn some interesting things about tornados, you might get something good out of it, but the greater likelihood is that you will get hurt.

If you are at the point where you can detach and give him a ride with ZERO expectations other than to make sure he safely gets from one point to another and because you really believe you are the right person to do it at the moment...then fine. My guess would be that he is trying to get you to see he is hitting bottom and take pity on him. It's worked in the past right? Even though it probably won't work now, it's still going to leave him renting an even bigger space in your head than you want to give him.

Even if some miracle happened or some horrible tragedy happened with my ex-A - It took me a long time to realize I AM NOT THE ONE that needs to share that with him. I don't need to go through anything with him. Period. Your situation is more complicated since the kids and financial ties but still. You are often writing about the drama. In this instance, you can change the channel or stay tuned in to the drama. That's on your side of the street.

tricky one pushka. you may give him the wrong message but then you need your papers. maybe you could do this but make it clear its a one time thing for both your sakes. why are a's so complex? very confusing for us real life dwellers.x

Ok .. sooooo .. I did call and talk to my sponsor about this whole thing and I have weighed and measured everything people have shared, Pink .. you are so right on .. on a lot of levels. First off with this dang divorce I am more concerned about what he is and isn't doing especially when it directly hurts the kids and myself financially. I decided if I was going to do this I was really making a point of checking my motives and checking in with how I was feeling during the whole time. Meaning NO EXPECTATIONS and if I felt myself going there knowing when to back up and take a break. Making sure that my feelings were not ruling my head in any given situation.

He's hurt pretty bad. He broke his hand as well as a bone under his eye. It was very difficult to sit back and NOT get involved in his care and believe me that's exactly what he wanted me to do .. I mean step in and take over. He made a direct comment about not being very good in "these situations" gestering to his hand and saying anything like this I can't do. I agreed and said yes, it's very difficult to make grown up decisions and take grown up actions when the choices can be life altering. I don't enjoy doing that either .. however it's part of being a grown up and it sucks big eggs. I smiled and shugged my shoulders. He scared me as the day wore on .. he's exhausted on all levels .. he started complaining his ears were ringing and that he was nauseous and of course I'm thinking UGH ... concusion that's so not a good thing. Again I can only do what I can do, .. it's his body his life and he needs to actively participate in it.

I did give him a ride and why did I? I had a few payoffs .. first off I did get my paperwork and I did a heck of a happy dance when I got into the atty's office. I will also be able to file taxes that he was telling me he would file when he felt like it. He should be feeling it now as he desperately needs the money as bad as I do if not worse. WOO HOOO on that one. I am fully aware he's lying to me about a few things, I know what I know, and that's ok .. honestly he doesn't owe me an explination .. at the same time it's my choice not to believe anything he says. Unfortunately .. I don't have the luxuary to believe anything he says. Until he's really actively doing something different as is in working on some kind of program. I don't want to get sucked into the garbage he's created for himself. No car insurance, and the car is totalled so what a waste of money. Even he said he's going to have to start all over again .. I just shook my head and thought WOW .. don't even open your month Pushka darling .. it's just not worth the wasted breath. I did say yes, I'm sure that is very hard. The car is sitting in a tow yard at this point and totalled. He made a comment that it couldn't get worse and I said yes it could. I did make a comment about how grateful I was that he wasn't hurt worse than he was and no one else was involved, in that regard it could have always been worse.

I made a very deliberate decision not to get into the hot topic subjects. We talked a great deal, however I have no expectation that he will remember anything we talked about anyway as he was on norco. It was a high level so he was in and out all day. I'll tell you what for the first time in a LONG time I really feel sorry for him. I don't mean the let me take care of you kind of sorry .. I mean the whole .. geeze your life is so screwed up and there is a simple answer to it all. It's one of those it's going to take a lot of work and effort. We actually did talk about treatment in terms of, him saying he had issues and me saying there are many places you can get help. I know for me until I was willing to change everything .. nothing was going to change. I tried to keep it about what I have done to help myself and how good it has felt doing so.

The other hot topic is money. Again what I know and it's always good to know these things .. thank you for knowing people there at his work. I didn't bring any of that up at this point. I figured if he wanted to talk about it I would keep it very generic. He started asking questions as to how much he would get out out of the last tax haul and honestly .. it's between him and his atty. I said this very clearly .. I have no idea .. I am so focused on my own financial issues that whatever is left .. I haven't even thought about ... that's sort of true .. I probably have a general idea how much he's getting, .. honestly .. it's none of my business and it's truly between him and his atty. It's been very hard not to ask the questions such as .. how much is he going to get on disability, how long is he off work and so on .. UGH!! I'm really watching my p's and q's on this one. He truly has a lot on his plate and it's not like me asking is going to change anything (ok .. this is a thank you Alanon deal!!)

Another hot topic is the kids and visitation .. honestly .. he has no wheels and I'm not obligated to make sure he sees his children, .. that's on him.

The last hot topic was the girlfriend/s .. I did go there one time and I was pretty good considering he was trapped in the van with me .. lol. I did ask him all of these other women he's got around him and I'm bailing him out of this which .. I'm glad to do. Where are all of these people he's surrounded and supported by? Obviously the clear answer is there is no one .. and I'm the go to girl. This time I did it not because I had to and it was a duty .. I did it because it was the right thing for me to do. I felt good about doing it. Again for many different reasons.

What did I learn about myself during this time and what did I learn about the STBAX? Well .. I really don't have to be a screaming me me no matter how much I think I do to get what I want or need. I can have even more grace than I thought I could and carry myself with a lot more dignity I thought I could. I can be around him and be soft and still have my boundaries remain intact. When I look at him now .. I only see a stranger looking back at me, .. I really don't know him anymore. I don't want to know him. He's not someone I would choose now. That was even more of a shocking to look at him and not feel any kind of intense emotional pull. I did want to care take .. I didn't want to keep him if that makes any sense at all? He is very sick in his thought process.

The other thing I know this will pass. He's in the remorseful stage .. so I want to make sure this lasts for a while. Like I said it was a nice day considering the circumstances .. he actually bought me breakfast and we made it through the day without any verbal jabbing at each other. I am grateful that we were able to do that and I found out that I could be there for him and not get sucked in.

The one thing that scared the crap out of me and I made a ton of excuses and finally just told the truth. He wanted to come to the house and I finally just came out and said no. I don't think it's a good idea. It's way to comfortable here and a few of the comments he made I was like oooohhhhhh heeeecccckkk NOOOOO. Right now he's scared and I'm an old pair of shoes, comfortable and convenient .. thank you NO!! I deserve more than that I'm a pair of high end shoes and I don't know their names how sad is that?? All I can think of is Louis Vuttons .. LOL!! Anyway, it was good I stuck to that boundary.

He's having surgery on Friday and I don't think he should be alone. His s/mom and I both have had a discussion about him staying at her house for the night and I will take the afternoon shift. I think him staying here is a very bad idea for us both.

Ohhh irony at it's finest .. soooo .. 3 years ago on Feb 6, 2010 and YES I remember that date .. LOL .. I fell down and broke my ankle in a very painful way .. here we are .. Feb 17, 2013 and guess what .. his wrist is broken. Geeze. Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary I'm hoping we aren't together at all tomorrow as he's got to make an eye appointment he messed his eye up pretty good, no coughing, sneezing or blowing his nose or he could get into a big issue.

He's a mess to say the least, .. I'm not and that feels pretty good.

Hugs P :)