The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm back into active daily program. After the events this weekend i questioned myself a lot, my trust in myself, my self-worth, my anger, my resentments. I went way back low, to feel so much hurt and self-deception. And Jerry recommended to throw a temper tantrum. I had to think about that, because in the last months I took Al Anon's slogans so serious (am very thankful for that, they kept some of my serenity alive), and I managed to take the 'don't react, don't take it personal' so serious, that I never really did let me feel the anger and pain inside. Which is not good, because I fell I'm bittering up. Now, if I would be standing somewhere alone in a forest or on the top of a mountain, I would run and I would SCREAM in one big loud go, so much frustrated energy from the past is stored up inside. But I'm in my house, sharing with others, and I cannot really impest the world like that, they might actually bring me to the psychiatric ward for a melt down.
Instead I decided to write a list with some of the hurtful things he has done, which I never commented on, where my boundaries have been crossed in miles.
Then I will set back my list of boundaries, back in place where they belong... and I will let that person drown in obliviance with all his bad behavior, so there will be free room for the good stuff in life. I really feel I need to get this out of my system, it feels like poisining me from the inside. ( i know a counselor would be the right person for that, but for the moment I can't , sitting in a lost place in a development country, where emotional maturity is not ready to hear about these issues, especially not coming from a woman)
So the garbage list:
- he spit on me to show me his disrespect
- he hold his arms around me very tight to measure his power, and when i got too scared I kicked him badly to break free, only to hear then that 'see how bad you are and how you beat me' (manipulative excellence)
- whenever he did something bad and wrong in my regards, insted of apologizing, he attacted me in defense, and found something worse on my side
- in frustration he said things like ' i hate your food, i hate your house, i hate your bed, I hate your culture, i hate your job, ..i hate you.
- whenever I came up with a nice idea or di something good in job, he played it down, like if it wasn't important
- once I was scared because my car broke down in the middle of the highway, traffic was crazy and I felt uncomfortable. I called him for assistance, when he came, he was angry he had to leave what he was doing and he laughed at me how helpless i was.
- once we were driving home through the country at night time (in this country not a pleasant thing, anyway am a considerable good driver and he hasn't got a license) he started screaming at me like crazy, that I would kill us both (provaocation of highest grade)
- he pushed me away many times, and when I then organized things with other friends to make MY time valuable, he turned it around and accused me of how selfish I was and how I didn't care for him
. he accused me of being too 'joyful' with others when we had social dinner with friends, when he was sitting in misery.
-he accused me of having travelled too much and of having too many people in my life, he says it's impossible i love them all
-everytime I cried, he laughed
-evertime I had a fearful or exhausted or sad day, he was happy
- when I started applying the program more and practicing self-care (my new discovery, yuhuuuuu), he started calling me selfish more and more
- he kept me awake countless night, where he made me listen to his dark or scary stories, where I had to play counselor, only to get full sleep deprivation, and then start an argument at 6 in the morning when I couldn't think straight and felt really weak
- I took him swimming several times after rehab, and when he realized I was physically more fit than him, he got angry and depressed
- he lied about his other girlfriend constantly..obvisously! (wow i almost forgot that)
- whenever he got drunk, he blamed it on me
- when I didn't pick him up in the bar, he said I was cruel, cold, heartless
- when I paid for nearly 90 % of our common expenses, he still would call me selfish and greedy
- when he 'detected' he had an alcohol problem, and he felt more guilty, it was my fault (of course)
- when I was sick, he rejoiced, finding an opportunity to break me down more.
- sex was and has always been just for his selfish gratification, and whenever I refused to do things, he called me 'selfish' (how original!!)
- when we had a big fight and I was about to leave, i came up with a wonderfully written email of sorry. So wonderfully written that it was obvious he couldn't have written it. I copied the whole paragraph into google and the whole paragraph was not from his head but from some other good writer!!! lol...that made me laugh a bit..
- he was restless and constantly jumping from one action to another, asking for this, doing that..and when I couldn't follow anymore, he would say 'you are so boring' 'keep me happy'
basically what I found out after all these lessons, that he must hold a PHD in manipulation, lying, copy-pasting, projection, he is contaminated by jealousy and cowardice and is a dangerous impostor . where after Christmas I still could believe in something good in him (!!???!???) , which in fact made me go back, today I claim it is all FAKE. I also add that I have been semi-blind all along, allowing this behavior. But I also recently had discovered the 'don't react' tool, so I guess my application of that was in the beginning somewhat clumsy and uncoordinated. The intentions were good, but the skill wasn't fully operational. Today I know that I can talk back in respect and send somebody away straight away when his behavior is disrespectful. Empathy and tolerance can be positive characteristics, but in my case with THIS person, they weren't serving me any helpful purpose towards health.
What I need to learn now is balancing my positive characteristics with the Al Anon tools, with the experience I gained and lessons I learned, and try to put together a more functional receipe. I'll share with you along my research
Now I move on to the boundaries list. will be back soon. Have a good night in the US.
tortuga, that was BEAUTIFUL to see such a strong, healthy expression of yes-these-things-are-wrong-and-no-I-don't-have-to-put-up-with-them! And thank you for sharing it here, where those of us who aren't very good at recognizing and acknowledging violations of our own boundaries can learn from your good example!
That was one truly inspirational "tantrum", and one you are entirely justified in having!
-- Edited by atheos on Tuesday 19th of February 2013 12:44:50 PM
I have read all your post and I can certainly identify with the level of manipulation tactics you describe. I had been with my AH for 30 years and somehow I let him get into my head for all that time. I have no problem with having set boundaries with others, but with a husband it is so much more complex and tricky. There are so many soft spots to exploit if one in such a position is daring and bold enough and alcoholics have no concept of sacred ground.
Often I found my self strategizing in response, on the inside. Trying out methods of defense against his crazy behavior, even if it is just to adopt a certain mindset, like having my phychic armor on at all times. The marraige has not been one of togetherness but me, alone, against him. I identify with the idea of having a research project ongoing. The scientific mindset offers a protective seperation, a feeling of being an objective on-looker and its almost fascinating at times. I tried many different approaches over the years. Eventually the ideas get slim to none. You finally get to the core of yourself. what do YOU want.
There is nothing wrong with taking care of your core need and desire. Its a gift from your HP to honor. I learned that on this board. I am doing the boundary experiment now too. Different than in the past. After thirty years its hard to suddenly turn the word upside down in one swoop. So many aspects of my life is intricatly tied in but I've decided to start with the core and work out slowly ODAT. I am going to respect what I want, and refuse what I dont.
I am thinking realisticaly about what I am strong enough to maintain without folding, gain strength, and take more ground. Several times I tried to get comepletely away in one step but with childeren who were yonger then, and tied finances, all sorts of things, come up forcing you into the presence of this guy who knows all your buttons and is desperate to try anything, say anything into tricking you back into the old way.
That was not just "venting." In making that list you have described behaviors that are not acceptable to you and you know you deserve better. It would seem it's focused on him, but I get that it's not. These are all things that reinforce you deserve better and you are worthy of better.
