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When does a person who feels guilt and sadness for leaving someone who is mentally abusive and an alcoholic and pot smoker able to let it go. I remember the good times and my husband who I legally separated from blames me for everything and still refuses to accept responsiblity for his actions. He says he does not drink but who knows. He has major health problems and might be sober now but who knows. I feel guilty for leaving him and filing legal separation in some ways and in some ways I feel very peaceful and liberated. One minute my husband was the best and then it could all change. He was very nice and charming until he got upset. Is that normal for someone who smokes and drinks and has low self esteen?
It is quite normal for someone with addictions. It is part of their disease. My now deceased ex.AH accused and blamed me for everything he could possibly think. I WASN'T who left/had an affair, yet in his mind he was sure I did. (Whatever) I WASN'T the one squandering money on alcohol, yet got blamed because there wasn't enough to pay bills/buy grocs. I WASN'T the one missing school activities or summer ball for our kids by sitting in the tavern. I wasn't the one giving permission to our underage sons to attend parties that alcohol was present and then wondering why vehicles were wrecked. I WASN'T the one who told our children not to see him/visit him after the divorce...IN FACT....I kept telling them to. ECT., ECT., ECT. When his mistress wasn't around he would talk in the gentlest terms..... When he did this, I was conned right back into believing he was remorseful and there was a glimmer of hope. I got stronger because I kept with the steps of AlNON. I stopped 'thinking' of how it used to be and started to see what the disease had done to him/was doing to him. I started centering more on 'me' and what I could control (my own happiness). I still loved him even to the day he passed, yet I know, I could not control his consumption any more than I could control the asscociated bad behavior that goes with this disease. I think what one must realize is that alcohol/drugs are mind altering substances. I believe they 'fray' circuits in the brain and eventually 'fry' some, thus the behavior has the potential to jump all over the place. It is a sad truth of this disease and unless your husband gets help and 'stays with the program' you may face these kinds of times quite often.
It takes time, al anon and friends to help you to let go and let God. Your A's choices are HIS alone. An alcoholic/addict learns to manipulate so they can get what they want. They lay blame, that's the emotional abuse. You've done nothing to make him drink or smoke pot, those are his choices. It's tough to learn to let go, we're all in the same boat and we all handle our situations differently in our own time. They all have two sides to them and there's no way to know which one you'll be approached by. I fight with my heart all the time because my head knows better, but I'm learning quickly. What I do is stop, think and remember I/you/we deserve better than he treats me, I've done nothing wrong and I want to feel good again and am allowed to be happy. I love and miss my A, but I miss the man he used to be. Time to love, honor and respect yourself. Hugs to you {{{{{{alanon23}}}}}}
