The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, my AH, who was doing so well with not drinking for 49 days, has now drank beer, on two occasions within the past three weeks. The first time, after his 49 days of sobriety, he only had 4 beers, which is really good for him. The second time, which was two Saturdays ago, I have no idea how many he had. We got through this weekend without him drinking, and I was excited. However, today he is off of work because of President's Day. He had an obligation this morning and was on his way home from there. He was in a great mood. He asked if my co-worker and I wanted him to pick something up for lunch. We were trying to figure out some place that has soup. So, he suggested that my co-worker and I order from his favorite watering hole. He said that I could drop him off there, pick up my lunch, and then I could go pick him up after work. So...that would be 4 hours of sitting in a bar. I said, "No thank you. I will go pick something else up". He hung up on me. He called about 15 minutes later and said, "I'll pick you up and take you to Scheetz to get something to eat". I got into the car, and he gave me a kiss, but he was in his passive aggressive stance. He didn't say a word. After we picked up the food, and we were coming back to my office, I told him, "I know you are probably upset with me, but I don't want to go back to that old standard of you sitting at the bar for hours and getting drunk." He said, "I don't know what your concern is. I promised you that I wouldn't get out of control and yell, and I will not drink and drive again". I said, "If you are sitting in a bar for four hours, you are not going to be in control. I don't want that life anymore. On December 20th, you took me to an AA meeting, and you said, 'Hi, My name is ***** and I am powerless over alcohol.'" He said, "You have to say that at the meetings". I said, "But, after the meeting, you told me that you didn't need to drink any more, and that you wanted to change the way we were living." He said, "Look. I told you I would not drink and drive ever again. You have the control." and then he sulked. He dropped me off and said, "I'll just go home and play my hockey game on PS3 for the rest of the day". I told him that I loved him and got out of the car. So, why am I crying?
Maybe because it never seems to end. And you are still hypervigilant. And learning to detach is hard. Lots of reasons. I felt stressed just reading your post.
Take care of you!
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
I don't know how to say this and not be blunt so I'm apologizing ahead of time. I would gather you are crying because your AH is actively drinking again and with that goes feelings of disappointment, frustration and wondering when the next shoe is going to drop. At least that is what happened to me knowing my STBAX was drinking again.
He is not recovering once that drink hits his lips and he makes the choice not to get back on the sobriety horse.
The question is now what are you going to do to take care of you? He's going to drink or not .. what are you going to do? I'm not talking you should leave him or not .. I'm talking about taking care fo your own emotional, physical and spiritual well being.
Keep coming back and know you aren't alone!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Yes, I am hypervigilant, disappointed, frustrated, and worried. All of the above. Please don't worry about being blunt. That's exactly what I need, along with hugs and a reminder to worry about myself, and not him.
Life is so wonderfu,l when he is not drinking. We actually saw the movie, "Safe Haven" yesterday. There was a piece in the movie that related to a man whose personality quickly snapped from being normal to being a raging, bullying alcoholic. When we left the movie, my AH said, "They did a poor job in depicting the man and his drinking. No one goes from being perfectly normal to becoming a sweaty, raging lunatic...just like that". I stayed quiet.
Is he in a formal recovery program? If he is not, or if he is not actively working his recovery, he's going to drink -- because that's what alcoholics do. They keep on doing it.
I know that grief and disappointment. I kept believing my A when he said the problem was all over. I think he believed it himself. But it's harder to solve than just saying it's all over, unfortunately. He has to take the action, which is actively working recovery. I'm sure your A believed he wouldn't drink and drive, just as much as my A believed it, before he did it (and after he did it). The denial is huge. It's part of the insanity.
What I wish someone had asked me is: if you knew for sure that he wasn't going to change, what decisions would you make?
