The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A just called me after not hearing from him for two weeks. He called using someone's cell phone on the street begging me for $20. He said it was a matter of life and death. Riiiight. We live in an area with a subway and he said he'll meet me at one of the subway stations. I have no intention of giving him money, but I did explain to him I have been out of work for over a week do to hurting my back which is true. I'm not going anywhere. He didn't hear me. Imagine that. He kept begging, he said how he has trouble walking too, can't I borrow the money, he can't come to me because he only has fifty cents etc. I told him no and he hung up. The last time I saw him I called 911 for him because he said he was going to commit suicide. He's threatened that many times, but this was the first time I thought he might go through with it. For some silly reason I hope he'll call and ask me how I am, misses me, loves me, but intellectually I know that'll never happen. I've seen him clean and sober so I know how he can be and I know the man I knew is no more. I'm not surprised he called for money. I hate that he only thinks of me when he's scared and wants me to "help". I know now I have to leave him to his choices and take care of me for me not easy for a people pleaser. I'm sad for him truly, but the more I am exposed to him this way the easier it is for me to keep moving forward. I pray for him every day and while my heart hurts I know I have to let go and let God.
That sounds like some real recovery and wisdom. You're taking such good care of yourself. But I know it must hurt to see your A so deep in the insanity. Hugs!
It's so sad and I feel for you getting those calls. You just have to think "how scared is he really" scared enough to seek the help he needs or scared because he's coming off his high.
You are doing all you can do...you are strong.
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thank you all so much for your support. I had been wondering and yes beginning to worry about him and then he called. Well, I know he's alive at least. For sure he was scared Cathy, you could definitely hear it in his voice. I'm sure his fear is very real, but time for him to tend to himself. I really am spent from being with him. There are so many stories I could tell and I know everyone here has similar stories, but I really had no idea how depleting he and his disease would be. He's been on SSI and because he had been going through his money so quickly (crack along with the alcohol) that instead doling out his check once a month he gets a check once a week of equal value on Saturdays. After his call it occured to me that today is Monday and he has no money, gee, I wonder why. He's going to have a very loooong week. I suspected the crack months ago, but he fessed up to it last month. He told me when he started smoking crack about 3-4 years ago and told me he had quit. Turns out he never quit. His behavior had really gotten erratic the past year. I've had numerous sleepless nights, crying jags, doing all I could to be there for him and helping so I thought, but realized I was enabling. His life has been ugly, but at some point he has to face himself or sink further into his abyss. I want so much to shake him and make him see the light but he has to seek that light on his own. The people here and this board have helped me tremendously on my journey to myself and while not fun/easy I embrace it. My life is mine to live just as it is for him to live with his choices. Peace, strength to all of you!
