The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was feeling so good about my program and the progess I've been making this week. My AH on the other had was drinking most of the week, but I was doing so good, trying not to react, being compassionate, and so on.
We had a good morning yesterday, getting along better than we have in months. Then in the afternoon, it went bad again. The usual, he left for an hour, came home drunk, slept in the basement, until about 3 AM when he staggered up to our bed.
This morning, it snowed. I went to clean off both cars, and to move his so I could get out and go to church. He was still asleep. While in his car I saw the receipt for $41 for valentines candies and card. My first thought, was Wow, he spent a lot of money on that. Then I looked closer and saw there were TWO Valentine's cards, and TWO boxes of candies. Oh my god.
There was no stopping my reaction then. Forget the program, forget the compassion. I marched up to the bedroom, and asked him who the other candy and card were for. He actually looked me in the eye and told me he only bought one of each, and that *I* was crazy, despite the receipt in front of his face. I told him to get out, I don't want him in my life, he is a liar, and I hate him. God, how I hate writing those words, but sadly, they are true right now. I cannot live like this any longer.
As he walked out the back door, I slammed it behind me. He stopped, looked at me with an ugly glare through the window, and proceeded to put his fist through the glass. I called the police. They came. I filed a domestic violence report. He is gone but the police are looking for him. The law in our state is that he will be arrested and he will face a judge. Maybe this is the bottom for him or maybe not, but it is beyond my bottom.
In our 25 years together, he as never done anything violent to me. He has never looked at me with such a hateful face, and I never imagined he would cheat on me. It is the alcohol that is doing this, but he makes a choice every day to use that alcohol. I am making a choice to change my life.
I'm glad you are unharmed physicaly, althouth the betrayal hurts just as bad if not worse than bruises and takes a whole lot longer to heal. No esh or wise words but a whole lot of love and support coming your way. Take good care of yourself.
Much love and support
Simone x
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
I am sorry you are suffering. And glad you know what you know now and can take care of yourself. For me, I don't think anything happens in a vacuum--the stars align when we are ready and we find out what is true.
Alcohol can lower inhibitions, but I don't think it makes a cheater cheat or a liar lie or an abuser abuse. If it weren't in their character, they wouldn't do it.
I am so glad you found your way here before this happened. And I don't think it was coincidental.
Blessings, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
I'm so sorry for the pan that you are going through that kind of betrayel is the worst and then to be told that it's not what you have seen .. gak. Taking care of you is key and knowing that this is not the same man anymore. It's a hard pill to swallow.
Temple, hugs hugs hugs .. you can't know the peace your words have given to me today this just seriously is what I needed to read today ..
"Alcohol can lower inhibitions, but I don't think it makes a cheater cheat or a liar lie or an abuser abuse. If it weren't in their character, they wouldn't do it."
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
((( Paris ))) Sending you prayers of comfort and strength! I am sorry this has happened to you but in reading your post i heard the words of a strong woman who in that single moment found the courage to put her needs first. Violence like addiction is progressive and is most definitely unacceptable. Wishing peace and serenity for you as you carry on with your journey! Blessings
He texted me to apologize. Something about how the candies got eaten by a bunch of drunks, and he threw the second card away. How he has never cheated on me, only loves me, blah, blah, blah. The point is he bought the gifts for someone and they weren't for me. So whether he is sleeping with someone else, or flirting with someone else, or somewhere in between, he has betrayed me.
When he texted, he told me that he is at a friend's house. Now I am struggling with what to do. The police said to call them if I hear from him. He will be arrested because I filed a domestic violence report. Mandatory arrest. Do I tell them where he is and let the consequences happen, or do I wait for him to come home and call the police then?
I'm asking my HP to help me.
Thank you all for your support. What a gift to have you all to help me make sense of this insanity. Hugs to you all.
It would unnverve me knowing he is going to show up at some point, but I couldn't predict when, and I'd be calling the police at that point, which he would undoubtedly object to, and the whole thing could get ugly. Man, I just hate the chaos of this whole disease. However you decide to proceed, take care of yourself.
(((((Paris))))) also remember to hold on to yesterdays lessons...those lessons are for you because to "Love anyways" is to chose comfort for your own soul and spirit which is what HP wants for us....Loving and Loving anyways is HP's will. Calling the police and following thru is follow up to your recovery. Second guessing is part of my disease which keeps me from acting out my program as taught. Recovery takes courage as well as all of the other positive assets. Putting up boundaries means you are telling me and others including the alcoholic that threatening and out of control behaviors are not allowed in your life and that you do have responses to them. As a recovering alcoholic myself I gratefully needed those "lessons" which told me to "STOP!! take a look at what is happening and your part in it". Trust God...follow thru. In support (((((hugs)))))
Paris, I'm really sorry that this happened, but I'd have to say I agree with Jerry. Your AH is sick and could be a threat to your safety. You have to put your wellbeing above any remorse. I'm a newbie here, but I've lived in a violent relationship with an AH in the past. He was always sorry the next day, but there were too many of those. Please be careful.
I have notified the police of his whereabouts and have locked all the doors. It is out of my hands now. If he returns home, my phone is at the ready. I don't believe that he will be violent with me, but a lot of things have happened recently that I never would have believed.
I have also shared my situation with some family members and friends today (finally). I trust my HP to watch over me.
Paris, so sorry for what is happening in your life right now. Today's courage to change said: " some of the most wonderous events grow out of what appear to be disasters". Today is the one year anniversary of when I discovered my AH was also using meth, because he had a meth overdose. Now it's a year later and it's a happy anniversary for me because I am divorced and so removed from all of that now. My AH said he had only done meth twice. ( Like the drunk who has only had two drinks)Swore up and down he wasn't cheating, and that he would never touch drugs again. All of these promises were lies!!!! Please don't get lost in the confusion and lies of the alcoholic. Listen to your gut. If it sounds like a story, it probably is. Don't try to convince your own mind to believe the lies. This leads to crazy thoughts and actions. I lived in that chaos and thought I was the crazy one. Why couldn't I just believe him? I wanted to.. Life would have been easier, I thought. But my soul was paying attention even though my brain was wacked out in fear and confusion. I couldnt believe the lies because my HP was telling me that something was up ( hello?? chrystal meth overdose? ya think?)Ask for HP's will for your life. Let go and let God.
I have never called the police on my husband, but have been close. I would imagine you are in distress over everything and I feel so bad for you. I too trust my HP to watch over me too. Take care.
Paris As far as calling the police I will share this with you so that you know you are not alone. My son is an addict. He is a tall, handsome, intelligent, humorous, loving and caring young man. He lived at home as long as we could let him. But he was in trouble with the law for possession and on probation. He knew how to get around the drug tests etc. Did mandatory rehab twice and was still coming home high. He never did anything remotely close to violence however it got to the point that as long as we just put a roof over his head we were enabling his addiction, and as long as he thought he was pulling the wool over his probation officers eyes and getting away with it we were enabling his addiction. It took me a good while of working the program to gain the courage of not letting him step on our boundaries anymore and if he came home high I would call his probation officer immediately and they would come pick him up and back to jail he went. If the A never feels the consequences of their behavior then there is no reason for them to change is there? My son is still not in recovery but thankfully I am. I love him unconditionally but as my husband and I are both disabled and stress makes everything worse for us, we had to stop cushioning our son's falls and put ourselves first. I wish you all the peace in the world as you work your program. And know that the right thing is often the hardest things we may have to do. Blessings
