Several years back I had to 'let go' of a son, as well. I have 3 children. My ex.AH turned our home upside down. First an affair of which the oldest was already aware because his closest friends had revealed it. Then ex.AH left for the other woman. It hurt like hell!! He manipulated me into a bankruptcy...with promises 'we would work on our marriage', ect. The entire time our children dealing with the drama. Two went to live with the A-Aunt, while the other just barely 18 move out and into a house he shared with two friends. All had jobs and were responsible. Eventually after being moved to another town by AH I found a home in the same town as my younger two. They moved in with me. During this entire time I'm witnessing this middle son drinking.....underage. The fights were escalating. He told me he understood why his dad had left me, blah, blah, blah. It hurt!!! He was working odd jobs to finance his partying and some were with his father. At one point I was told, "Dad said, 'If you work like a man, you can drink like one'" Then he started stealing. I came home one night and found something in my yard that I knew very well was not his and where it came from. I had learned enough from Alnon/AA that I gave him an ultimatum. Take back the stolen property or I would call the officials and have him arrested. I stood firm on my decision. Returning home the next eve. from work, the property was gone, but several lights were on and the back door wide opened. I was scared as no vehicles were there. Upon entering I was quick to realize, son was moving out/had moved out. I was correct! He left to go live with A-Aunt (exAH's sister). I cried and cried and cried. Yet I stood strong. I did not go pleading or chasing his little rear, rather prayed that God would take care of him.
And God did! Son entered Nat. Guard (against my wishes) and ended up doing a tour in Iraq. Upon his return that year he married a very lovely young woman. At the reception I was fetched to dance the Mother-Son dance. As I got to the floor, Son literally drug me to the center and almost cut my breath off because he was holding me so tightly. He said as tears rolled down his face "listen to the words, Please, listen to the words. I love you Mom!' The song was called 'Twenty Years Late' and if you have never heard it it is a 'thank you' from a son for his mother for all she had done.... It was then all the weight of the world seemed to be lifted. All that I had prayed for during the roughest of patches with him had been answered. He was so emotional during that song, he cried the entire dance. So did I!
Did I like all those ill feelings towards my son? NO!!! Did I worry constantly about him? YES!! I do NOT regret standing strong against something I believed would eventually cause him harm. I do NOT regret my silence for so long and allowing him to make his own choices and deal with the consequences after he moved out. He has turned out to be a very strong MAN!! He goes to church, is family oriented as well as community oriented. And he is going to be a father for the first time. He still drinks, but it is alot rarer and on those occasions minimal.
I, too, was scared of him. He never actually hit me in some of our arguements, however, came very close with fisted hands. He is close to 6 ft. while I am 5 ft 2ins. and alot stronger so I know he could have really physically harmed me. I understand the fear. However, in my case, standing up for what was right proved to be fruitful in our relationship.
I believe there are programs out there that could have you could have your son removed from your home and entered into a sort of 'bootcamp' if he is underage. In my state there is such a place. Not sure of the cost. You may also have him committed to a program if you are primary caregiver (again underage) that provides for teen alcoholics.
In my state as well, one can have an adult alcoholic, physically removed from the premises and committed to a hospital. It is only for 48-72 hrs. In the meantime....this gives the spouse, parent a little time to make decisions as to how to proceed: exs., getting an order of protection, decision to kick them out, changing locks, ect. ect.
It is no easy task being a parent!!! Sometimes, however, our approach must be tough----for our own sanity and well being as for theirs. There is only certain things of which we ourselves have control over. As much as it hurts to watch our children 'fall' we have to in order that they learn to 'walk'.
As I have done since I have dealt with alcoholism up close and personal, I will include you in my prayers.
Take advantage of AlNon (or other programs for alcoholism) in your area.

In this togethor!

learning

"Imagine feeling this way for your own son."

El, I am new to the group, and have not found a local meeting or sponsor, so I don't have anything to offer but empathy.  For 2+ years, I watched my elder son destroy himself, our relationship, my younger son, and our entire home with his heroin and opiate use.  At one point -- and I've not said this out loud before -- I found myself wishing that if he was going to kill himself with this drug (because at that point, it seemed inevitible), he would just do it so I could mourn him and move on.  Living this horrible, hyper-vigilant life, trying to save someone who didn't want to be saved was just killing me and getting all of us nowhere.

I'm not proud of this; in fact, I'm ashamed, but when you are the only one fighting the addiction, it can tear you apart and take over your entire life.  I send you cyber-hugs and will pray for you and your family.  I hope my confession helps a little.