The material presented
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I couldn't do it ILD... I am so proud of you for getting this. Like Tom said, I know you are going to be alright no matter what cuz you have the fellowship and the program.
I could not have bit my tongue. Your reply was perfect and how you moved on and then were able to engage in the meeting was also perfect.
I would have tried to make a snappy comeback to make sure he knew he wasn't getting away with a smug smart alecky answer like that. Fact of the matter is, no retort makes a person "not get away" with certain comments. No comeback makes comments like that go away. Shoving it down his throat that it's serious...that he has major problems and that at least you are going to meetings to face recovery when he doesn't have the courage would not make it better. That would be my natural instinct and my natural instinct would be wrong cuz he already feels small and emasculated or he wouldn't say those things or act the way he does. Hence, there's just no need. That would also feed the self-centeredness cuz little does he know, he is not the reason you keep coming back to alanon.
I am Powerless over people...I struggle with that still...thinking my words will teach someone something....forgetting that this only occurs when someone wants to learn something. Thank you for modeling how alanon works and being the example for me.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 16th of February 2013 04:45:49 PM
So, last night I went to my favorite Al Anon meeting. It's a large group well mixed with men and women of all ages. Lots of wisdom in that room, there are 2 ladies in there who have been in program for 38 plus years!!! Anyway, I also had gone to a meeting on Thursday, which is my home meeting group and closer to my house.
I'm leaving and say, "Ok, I'm heading out to my meeting, see you guys around 9."
AH, "Have fun at your party." Now, he said this with a bit of attitude and snicker.
Me, "It's an Al Anon meeting, not a party." And, I walked out.
I got to my meeting, I hugged all my friends. I saw a friend cry for the first time in a meeting, after she had told me last week that she has a hard time crying. She was actually excited that she was finally 'feeling' her emotions. I hugged my son's math tutor whose husband overdosed last year on pain pills and my son was able to go with me to his memorial service and he got to meet some of my Al Anon friends. I laughed, I cried, and I loved. I kind of feel that my meeting really was a PARTY! Thank God for the people in the rooms of Al Anon. It's funny because our topic last night was about fellowship and belonging and the meeting reminded me of how important meetings are to my own sanity. So, AH can think what he wants, he can make his comments, etc because until he walks in the doors of AA or Al Anon himself, he'll never know what kind of party he's missing.
Well, I think it's awesome that YOU have found your "party", and that's the most important thing....
As for the passive-aggressive snarky comment from your AH - I think that you see that for what it is..... He's more than likely scared..... he sees that YOU are changing, and that - in and of itself - is a very scary thing for many/most A's.... heck, if you are going to change, and get yourself healthy, how can he stay in his disease?? Yikes!!! So he has a couple of choices.. he can choose to get healthy & sober, or he can fight YOUR change, and try to keep things 100% as they are, so that neither of you has to change..... In a nutshell, this is the very essence of our program..... By YOU changing, and getting yourself healthy, it is forcing the A to figure things out - typically not on our timeline, lol.....
One of my favorite lines I learned in this program is "what you think of me is none of my business", and that one jumped out at me in reading your post.....
Kudos to you for how far you have come & grown - I "hope" your A begins to "get it", but I also am comforted by the fact that you will be okay - whether he figures it out or not....
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Ha! I often have to travel for my work and when I'm leaving on a business trip AH invariably says 'enjoy your holiday' or if we are with friends he will ask 'when do you get back from your holiday?'
I relate to your friend celebrating the return of her emotions - I was so relieved when I started to cry again.
It is an inspiration to read your stories ilovedogs, thank you.
Mahalo ILD...that was a great post. It reminded me of when in my relationship with my alcoholic addict I use to have so many knee jerk reactions to things she would say and one of the reasons was because I was so sensitive and ujst waiting for her to pop off. My sponsor gave me a great slogan that ended all of the knee jerk reactions..."Don't React"!! I love that slogan because it keeps me in the think - respond mood and I practice healthy responses especially for me own recovery. My alcoholic/addict once said something very similar to what your husband said and I thought...."hmmmm I don't know what her motives are in saying that" and so I responded..."Thanks Hon...see you when I get back" and then I was gone to a meeting where I didn't go in the door angry or resentful or wondering what the hell she had said that for. Practice, Practice, Practice...(((Hugs)))
Thanks everyone for responding. Oh, I still ruminate over why he said what he said, but I've learned to not respond. Honestly, it's hard to let their barbs not bother you when I've spent the last 20 years playing defense. Detaching is very hard when you live with someone who's sweet as pie one minute and popping off at you the next or lying the next. What's that quote from Forrest Gump? "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get." That can be applied to the words that come out of an alcoholic's mouth, "You never know what you're gonna get!"
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
