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Hi, this is my first time on this website. I am 21 married to a 32 year old man. We've been married for over two years and we have one one-year-old son and a daughter due in three weeks. Before we married, we only dated for one year and before that we had only known each other for a few months. Most of the time, we get along well. We make excellent friends. But I feel as though his alcoholism has eroded our relationship irreparably. I knew he was a drinker before we married, but at that point with no children it didn't seem as big of a problem. I thought he overdid it but it wasn't a deal-breaker. However, once we got pregnant with our son, I wanted him to stop and he said he would. He didn't. I need to make one thing clear - he never got physically abusive towards me. Not once. I am thankful for that. But when he drinks, he becomes this whole other person - loud, arrogant, antagonistic, obnoxious. I don't like him at all when he's been drinking. He becomes repulsive to me - his facial expressions, his slur, just his whole demeanor. As I said, he told me he'd stop but he didn't. Actually, at first we tried drinking in moderation. Impossible apparently. He would lie about how much he'd had or he would try to talk me into agreeing to let him have more than we'd agreed on, which led to a fight. Then he agreed to stop altogether which was also a failure. We lived within walking distance of a liquor store so while I'd be busy - in the shower, running an errand, taking a nap, etc. - he'd walk over and get a thing of vodka. Most of the time he'd drink the whole thing too. I'd come out and know immediately, but he'd lie straight to my face. Even though he was slurring and stumbling and his breath reeked, he'd lie, like I was stupid. Sometimes I'd even be holding the empty bottle in front of him and he'd still deny it! I threatened many, many times to leave him. Several times I kicked him out and he stayed the night at his mom's house (she's sympathetic to my cause, thank god, but didn't want her son on the street) then the next day or so I'd let him come back. It was like this until December of 2012. Finally I kicked him out "for good". I was tired of him knowingly risking his family just for a buzz. He stayed at his mom's for a week. She talked some sense into him and he agreed to go to AA. He seemed genuinely repentant so I gave him one final chance. This brings us to present day. I haven't found any bottles or liquor store receipts. But a few times here and there he'd come home from work (which happens to be across the street from a liquor store) smelling faintly of vodka and his personality seemed "different". He'd swear he hadn't been drinking but I would be sure he'd had a shot. Nothing big, just a drink or two, but I felt certain he'd had something...but I couldn't prove it. This has been happening more and more now. At least two or three times a week I suspect he's had a small drink but he denies it. I smell the vodka and his whole demeanor is "off", but he accuses me of being paranoid. He swears to me and everyone that he's been clean since December. I feel as though that is a straight up lie. Am I just being paranoid? Have I come to expect him to fail so my mind creates the illusion that he has? Am I imagining the smell and the difference in personality? I feel as though even if he stopped drinking for good, I've been so destroyed by the past that nothing could ever be the same. I don't know if I can ever heal enough to trust him. I've always had trust issues since I was very young but now there isn't an ounce of it left in me. I second-guess everything he says regarding alcohol or money (since he used to steal cash from my wallet to buy vodka). Anytime a dollar comes up unaccounted for I interrogate him. This used to be necessary and he swears it isn't now but I doubt! Is it possible for my mind to be fabricating the smell of vodka and the change in his personality since that's what I've come to expect? I guess that's my question. Sorry for such a long post and for any typos, I'm on my phone. Thanks for readin
Having been through what you've been through, I can say that probably nobody is better at smelling alcohol and determining if he drank than you. Yeah, it's possible that you are experiencing "flashbacks" of sorts cuz his drinking is so traumatic. It would be akin to having PTSD flashbacks of another traumatic event/occurrence. But as far as smelling alcohol - You know that smell. You have basically earned your Ph.D. in alcohol detection. If it quacks like a duck....
With that said, you are describing huge amounts of codependency and obsessing over his drinking. Not saying that in a judgmental way as I think it's a natural response to your husband being such a destructive alcoholic, but it's not helpful to you or him. Alanon is the place to learn detachment.
When a person is truly in recovery, it's apparent. They talk recovery, clearly go to lots of meetings, have a sponsor...etc. It's a way of life and folks either are committed to it or not. It does not have to be a detective game.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 16th of February 2013 08:29:17 AM
Thank you fro sharing your concerns and pain I am glad that you found us and would just like to say that Alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless. Living with this disease we begin to focus all our attention and efforts to control the alcoholic and neglect ourselves and our lives That is why alcoholism is considered a Family disease. We end up needing our own program of recovery.
This is where Al-Anon comes in. In Al-Anon is a fellowship of people who live with or have lived with alcoholism and have found a solution to their pain and anxiety. There are Face to Face meetings in most communities and the # can be found in the white pages. It is here that I learned to Focus on Myself, to identify my feelings live one day at a time , trusting the program and the tools.
Please do try to find meetings in your area and keep coming back here and sharing how you are doing. We also have meetings here twice a day and a chat room.
Oh, how I hate this disease and what it brings us to.
That awful feeling of "is that alcohol I smell?" and then wondering if you are right or not...and of course...the A accusing us of being crazy...or paranoid..if we bring up our observations....UGH.
Whether we catch them or not...chances are they will drink and lie, and lie and drink...and unfortunately, nothing we do really changes that. In fact, our crazy searching for answers only makes us nuts...
Go to some alanon meetings. It's hard. I found myself being very skeptical at first...how could I detach from my As behavior...when it was causing my life to fall apart? I wasn't sure what these alanoners were saying made sense.
That is the paradox. We have to let go...we can't control it, but also, we didn't cause it, and certainly we can't cure it.
Keep coming back...we have all felt that scary anxiety...but in time...we can let go, and live our lives without being consumed by the disease too...
Agreeing with everyone here. I remember smelling my AH's beer breath when he got out of his car at 3 in the afternoon(or came out of his home office and reeked of gin) and me sitting there thinking, "he wouldn't drink and drive in the middle of the day(or he wouldn't be on the phone with customers drunk), would he?" Of course, I learned early on that the denial and lies run deep and that it was pointless to confront. It's a waste of time, a waste of my emotions, and I already knew what I was going to hear.
Check out Al Anon meetings in your area, they saved my life. Also a good book to read is, "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews along with many of the Al Anon books. Melody Beattie's book, "Codependent No More" is also a good read but I found Toby's book to be a good start for me because I wanted to hear that I wasn't crazy and that it wasn't just me. You are not alone, we have all been there.
