So I was in a f2f meeting yesterday - Valentine's Day. It's supposed to be a time for romance, for love, for mutual admiration. For sweet whispers, bubble baths tempered with chocolates. For flowers and stuffed animals. I feared that if I stood still too long that I would be saturated in sickenly-sweet red and pink goo.

There was a newbie at the meeting and she seemed wise beyond her years. I could tell she had already throughly analyzed and understood step one. Good for her.

She mentioned that her AB had come home from work yesterday with a bouquet of flowers for her and a 12-pack for himself.

How many times have I, have we, been in this situation? Where it's love in one hand and crazymaking in the other? 

This disease is a study in contrasts. It's confusion in its finest form. Insanity at an Einstein level.

For the last few days, my AH has called me daily from rehab. He's supposed to be on a blackout (no communication in or out, save sponsors).

Have I mentioned that he's a charming one? The kind that could sell ice to an Eskimo. I'm sure he sweet-talked his way into getting his hands on a phone.

He's been wishing me a happy Valentine's Day every day since Monday. Telling he loves me, which I know he does when he's my beloved, but not when he's my alcoholic. Just like I love him when I'm just me, and not my crazy-unrestrained non Al-Alon.

But here's the kicker. He called me while I was in a consultation with a divorce attorney. On Valentine's Day. Sheesh - does the irony ever end in living your life with an alcoholic?

I haven't decided yet if I want to file the divorce. After all, he was the one who asked me for it. I don't know how I feel about footing yet another bill to quell this insanity.

The lawyer was great - about my age, funny in a dry, lawyer-y kind of way, but very honest and kind. She told me that I could get pro-se papers from the court and fill them out myself. She'd proofread them for $100 an hour rather than a $2000 retainer. Very grateful for this. And even more proud of myself when she said that I seem like a smart and thoughtful enough person to do it on my own. An arrow of self-esteem in the fanny from Eros himself! It felt good. The Al-Anon program is working in me - I can feel it.

At this point, I want to have my ducks in a row, regardless of what happens. I have always been the type of person who likes to be prepared. And I'll be spending 25 bucks max on a pro-se divorce packet. Not a bad price for my sanity and my pride.

As I left, I told her it was a pleasure to meet her, albeit in these circumstances. She smiled. "I hear that a lot."

Once again, a study in contrasts when living with this disease. 

One of my dearest friends who is aware of my situation sent me flowers yesterday. Said that everyone deserves some love on Valentine's Day. My mom and stepdad sent me a nice little card that lifted my spirits. Both gifts are sitting on my nightstand, so when I woke up this morning they were the first thing I saw.

And every year for the last 10 years on this holiday, my AH used to bring me home one of those miniature rose bushes - some years he'd have a brown paper bag of vodka in the other hand; some years he didn't.

We'd plant the roses on the premise that we'd have them year after year in our beautiful garden - just like we'd have each other. So yesterday was hard. 

I know my HP was sending me extra super-duper love mojo yesterday. I hope that you all allowed love and compassion into your life yesterday, most especially from your HP and yourself.