The material presented
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Reading your post reminds me so much of my abf while he was drinking, I tried everything, taking pics of the bottles i'd found and sending him them, confronting him, ignoring them nothing helped, because he wasnt ready to find sobriety. In the end it was only after hitting his rock bottom and for me to set boundries and him moving out that he then went to AA. We also have a four year old son, I know you have a young son and that makes it so much harder.
I found Al-anon f2f helped but it can be difficult getting to meetings for me, in the UK there isn't many but it really helped have MIP and reading alot.
I wonder when you wife goes to her counselor it just makes her feel more crappy, guilty and maybe more helpless about her disease. Is she resisting going to an AA meeting, does she think she can do this alone?
Its so hard to go through this and watch our loved ones hurt us and themselves. It was only after sometime did i realise the name calling and general nastiness was due to my abf's shame, fear and guilt that caused him to be so cruel to me. With that knowledge it helped me to get over the resentments of all the things he had said and done.
Only a drunk can really reach and touch the heart of another drunk, thats why I think AA is a miracle for alcoholics that really want to recover and are prepared to do anything to live a sober life in a happy way, there are plenty of dry drunks, who dont drink but have all the behaviours of an active drinker.
Much love and support to you my friend
Simone x
-- Edited by Zimmy on Friday 15th of February 2013 02:37:59 AM
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
Well I feel betrayed again. Every time I think we are moving to a better place we goes 3 steps backward. Yesterday on valentines I give her roses etc and in return my AW decides to be angry at me all night. I couldn't do any right, calling me names you know the drill. I just don't understand any of this disease, why hurt the people you love I just don't get it ! i want to believe her when she says she is not drinking but come on. It's obvious and to make matters worse I found her bottle of vodka. Now I don't know what to do. Confront her with the bottle ? Or just let it go and pretend as I have been doing alll is ok. It seems the day she sees her counselor is worse than others, what do they tell her there ?The only good it seems they do, is at least she isn't a bumbling drunk. Any thoughts are appreciated. Should I throw out this bottle ? Dump it and put it back ? Or pretend I didn't see it. Not sure what to do
Hi, your post takes me right back. I was sick and would become obsessed with catching him out. It didn't matter one bit. She has the right as an adult to drink. It's her business. I know this sounds unbelievable but it is. Her drinking is her, and only rightfully, her problem.
I am learning that the only things that belong to us is our boundaries. Like it is your job to tell her you won't listen to abuse and leave the room if it continues. It is your job to believe there is no excuse for abuse you are worth more than that. She is behaving like a typical alcoholic, you have no power or control. But you have over what you do. Alanon offers hope.
One story I have shared here, that really helped me...is thinking about the monkeys at the zoo. The monkeys at the zoo get tired of people looking at them, so sometimes they throw poop.
One defense mechanism for As is to go on offense -- they throw pre-emptive poop to avoid anyone looking and seeing their own behavior...does that make sense? It may be that she is picking a fight with you to keep the focus away from her drinking...and this may not be a conscious thing on her part. I offer this for your understanding, not so you can tell her she is a monkey and confront her on it.
I used to drive myself crazy searching for bottles, counting them, catching him and confronting him...and all I can say was...it did nothing but stress me out. It didn't help. I wish I had let go of my "need to know" sooner...he was gonna do whatever...I needed to focus on taking care of me...
Have you read any of courage to change or getting them sober? Keep reading here too...we have ALL been there...some of us are still there...and we have to support one another through this craziness....
Thank you all for posting. The anallogy about the Monkeys is pretty good. I need to think more about that. Its not too far off.
Zimmy I figured out what it was with my AW, It isnt she is a dry drunk, its she bought a shot glass or something. Something she can measure so she wont be so blasted and downright obvious. Amazing to me. I have to think of the positive that it is less alcohol but in the same instant if you can do that why not just quit altogether ? I am praying and hoping she will come to light as this is destroying us. My son who is 2 is smart and its only a matter of time before he catches on. He knows something is wrong now. I can tell he is avoiding her more and more at night. Especially when she is drunk. Its not that she is mean to him, its that she is mean to me and he sees it. Which bothers me just as much as anything she does to me.
As for AA I know she has been asked to go but she refuses. We live in a small town and she is so afraid that people will know her problem. Fact is people around prolly already do.
Sadly yesterday reallky got me down and that was why I wrote on here. I just cant believe she would drink on Valentines. I know its a disease but its just so sad when you really want to do nice things for the person you love and you get crapped on. Now with Facebook you can see all the stuff others post on how happy they are and to think that was me not too long ago. Anyway I am rambling .. Thank you again for reading ( listening ) etc.
The 3 c's ( I did not cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it) have been so helpful to me through the years...even people not in a 12-step program have found it helpful. The best you can do for your family is to get yourself well...if you do that, you will be a great role model for your son. He will learn he has control over his health and happiness and can leave others to control theirs. I wish you the best.... Paula
I have been there, too and lived that way for a long time. Finding a hidden bottle was like finding a dead body or something--it would freak me right out again, with a pain in my chest and a sinking feeling in my stomach that I was being lied to...and that the situation was always even worse than I thought (or was willing to accept) For me, no matter what I did--begged, cried, dumped it, ignored it--it just kept going until I couldn't take it anymore and had to ask the A to move out. I had set every boundary I could think of and just ignored it...so that was that.
Then I finally began to experience some peace, my anger and fears melted slowly, and he just kept drinking and I was grateful for the program to help me have the courage to make those changes. It sucked going through--it still does. I love him still--18 months later he is still living outside the home because he cannot stay sober and I cannot trust him and like you say, the shock of them doing it on a special day, I got that too--birthdays, Halloween (let's take the kids trick or treating while he is wasted)....the worst possible time.
I just had to distance myself from it and eventually I learned that his drinking had nothing to do with hurting me...he is sick and he has an evil disease that destroys love. Thankfully I am sober and my kids have one parent that they can depend on all the time. The three C's are important and i also cling to LIVE AND LET LIVE--he is free to make his choices and in the meantime, I need to *live* my life. Best wishes for some peace for you
and confront her on it.