The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have let myself spend the the day at home alone crying for the first time in ages. This week I visited a lawyer, beginning the divorce process from my AH of 10 years, who has been living on his own for almost 18 months now. During this 18 months, I hoped he would find sobriety and we would make things work. Instead, he struggled and relapsed repeatedly and I built up a fortress around myself and kept him emotionally distant. Now, it is all hitting me--the thought of not having him in my life tears me apart and we have two little girls who love him so much. He's a good dad and I know he loves me too. I look back and I have no idea how we got here. I know the program helped me find the strength to get through SO MANY crises in the last 4 years, when it really escalated (2 DWIs, other drugs, more lies, etc etc...) So I guess here I am...trying to move forward but clinging to something that probably isn't even really there anyway. I have never experienced confusion and heart ache on this level. Grateful to be here.
{{{{{{sookie}}}}}} I'm sorry for the emotional pain you are going through and you are not alone. It's tough being with an A regardless of who it is or what the relationship is, but you and your daughters deserve better than what he can give. I know you love him, miss him, but what you love and miss is who he used to be prior to his alcohol/substance abuses. I have been working on detachng from my A for about six weeks and it's hell. I want better for him and myself as well, but he's not willing to do the work to be well. I have let go and let God. I truly understand that saying now because of this forum. It's ok to cry and feel that pain, it's a move forward to a better you. Life won't always be this way so chin up, smile at the world and work to be well for you and your daughters.
When I cry it helps release a lot of garbage and allows the healing to begin or continue as the case may be. It's going to come and go, good days and not so good days, it is all going to pass.
I'm so sorry for your loss and how hard that is to process. It all takes a lot of time. Who knows what the future holds .. sometimes letting go is the only way for people to find their way back to each other. It's more important that you have a safe place to heal and he needs to do what he needs to do at this point on his own to get better.
Keep your meetings (and the board) close my friend, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I feel your pain and dimay! i have been there too. I focused more on him than myself, hoped for a miracle that never came. When i needed to recover and made that a priority it gave me a new focus, a healthy focus! Remind yourself of all the wonderful things, like your children, that you have to be thankful for.
Aloha Sooklie I hated being there when I was myself and felt the same way and thought very similarly...what to do!!? I started to practice the open mindedness that recovery asks for so that I would get help and I did. The distillation of the 12 steps help lots. Steps 1-3 Trust God, Steps 4-11 Clean House and Step 12 Help others. The more simple I could get the program the better it was for me. Listening to and practicing the suggestions on Turning Her Over to her Higher Power became such a practice that I now use it daily on most events of my life that I cannot take care of right away. I am not anyones' Higher Power especially not my alcoholic/addict. I got a life to live. I cannot live mine and anyone elses both at the same time. Trust...practice....Detach...practice. Practice, practice, practice. ((((hugs))))
I feel your pain and have said many of the same things you said. This is after 30 years of marriage. I have asked myself how did we get to this point, I miss him too, I know deep down it wasn't what I thought it was. Take care of you and your kids.
I too left my AH and i know these emotions well. I left and his drinking got worse. I thought it was temporary. He got sober and I jumped back on the merry go round. We began planning a future again and we planned to live together again and we spoke about holidays, life etc but together. Then he drank got sober drank got sober you know the same old story and then one day I realised that it was over. I knew this is it really and I could, would not live that way again. I think this was the beginning of my recovery although I still had not gone to Alanon yet. It took me a while to actually say to him this is it. Its over. I got the courage to say it almost 1 year ago. He went straight to good old mr.bottle for comfort of course, no surprise. He then tried a few other tactics, spite, pleading etc but I realised that all his tactics were that of a child who was not getting their own way. This was not a man who truly wanted his wife back.
Anyway, the emotions have all came. First, sadness for the life I thought we could have had then anger came like never before and I began to feel hate. That too passed and now I am accepting the truth of our life together in an almost objective way. I am learning that our life together was built around this illness his alcoholism and my distorted thinking. Our kids got cought in the cross fire and for that I am truly sorry. I realise our relationship was addiction not love and care only suspicion and negativity and I though it was normal and usual. It was not. I am learning to be a good person again, to think good thoughts, to be kind and thoughtful and to be happy and grateful. My ex and I have no contact today and the last I heard he is in AA. He has accepted that we have no future and he has moved on. There wasnt that much fight in him really for us, and I will admit to being dissappointed, somewhere deep in my soul I think I hoped he would get a personality transplant and whisk me off my feet. Pretty immature thoughts really. So today I can feel my growth and my blips. I have one thing that never wavers though. HOPE for my life, I have tools now that are there for the taking and gives me peace and comfort. Thank you for sharing and I hope my experience has helped in some way.x
Thanks so much. I know deep down this has to be the right thing. I also will never go back to the way I used to live (i.e. survive). It is just a grieving...letting go of the dream of a traditional 'family' and a fulfilling relationship. I pray for the strength to get through and not fall into his manipulation before it is all too late again. So grateful for what I have in my life--the support of family and friends, a stable career, two amazing children. I know I'll be OK. I just need to feel what I am feeling but remember the facts i guess. Thanks to you all for your responses.
Hello would like to make a suggestion to you. There are Christian recovery meetings that are wonderful and work because they are lasting. You may want to suggest to your husband to get into one, he may be more successful. Many of these problems are spiritual in nature and need to be handled by the one who knows about our spirits which is Christ. He suffered and died for us to relieve us of our suffering if we only would come to him. Staying in his word for our lives helps us overcome things we never would be able to overcome through his Holy Spirit.He loves you and your family and does not want to see any of you suffer. He builds and strenghtens the bonds between all humans.Do not know where you live but see if you can find one in your area or at a local church. Prayer is powerful and can change lives. I have seen it happen.I have seen and heard of people on herione come off by recieving the Lord as their saviour. There are amazing testomonies at these meetings that boggle the mind and it all comes from the power of God. I pray for you and your family for all those who suffer with the same problems as you. But the answer is him. Your life will never be the same, I can promise you. May God keep you in his care and remember to pray so you do not become a prey. blessings
I hear you, my heart hears you... you are not alone!
Stay close to us and try to get to some face to face meetings in your community. Try going to at least 6 of them before letting your brain try to isolate you again...
I hear you, my heart hears you... you are not alone!
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Y our story is my story except you found strength sooner than me. Your wee girls have a healthy mum. They have the best chance in life. My biggest regret is the effects on my children.
I left too and the drinking got worse. I too hoped soon he will realise, he has not. Oh he loves me in his way, like a child wants there own way or he wants me to meet his needs. He does not love me in ahealthy way though. The way I really want him too. I built that wall but I don't want walls anymore. I won't be with him. I have accepted that but I want to be free to build my love with good thoughts and open ness. You are not alone.x
