The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sounds like some very good detaching. I have also found that as soon as the words 'Are you drunk?' have left my lips, that I regret it....because indeed, it is how he is acting that matters (and typically if he is acting drunk--he's drunk. but of course sometimes he's just acting like an idiot and me asking if he's drunk just made it worse) This is an enlightening thing to discover and can save a lot of turmoil in the long run I think.
-- Edited by sookie on Thursday 14th of February 2013 04:13:24 PM
I am now very aware of just how much my head was hijacked by my AH.... worrying about the embarrassment his behaviour would cause me.....and the consequences of his behaviour I would have to clean up or apologise for......or worse, watching the hurt that others would suffer because of it.
I now know that HE hasn't actually changed from the person I knew and fell in love with... The problem is he contains a demon who was growing in strength and taking over his charactor.
At one point HE disappeared almost completely and his demon has taken over. As I couldn't find MY AH I chose to seperate. He didn't manage to fight his way back for 2 years. He then had a spiritual awakening and HP helped him to push the demon back allowing my AH to experience some recovery.
I have learned to view him now as potentially 2 people. Him and his demon. Even in sobriety, I can still recognise his demon. It's still there lurking. I don't like the demon, so when its around I tend to go somewhere else, and definately go to events on my own. I quite like HIM though so when he's around we have a lovely time.
So no it really has no bearing on whether my AH is drinking or not..... If his behaviour is unacceptable I no longer accept it. I don't react to it..... I simply choose not to entertain demons LOL.
These days HE is around much more, which makes me feel REALLY grateful for his program as well as mine.
Sounds really easy doesn't it LOL....of course talking the talk is a lot easier than walking the walk x
In all honestly I can still snap before I recognise the demon. I tend to write clearly in black and white terms why I have snapped, because I know that the demon often doesn't allow my husband to work it out for himself. By writing I can make sure I don't accuse or blame and just allow him to know how my own head has sunk into stinking thinking because I found..........what ever behaviour.......difficult to cope with.
-- Edited by f2fmember on Thursday 14th of February 2013 07:35:29 PM
Good morning, I thought I'd share a new technique I'm trying during this rough patch. I'm not sure if it is making a difference for me yet, but I'm trying it out.
Background: A few nights ago AH and I went to an event that was very important to me. I had waited months, and was nervous about it as he is actively using again. I reminded myself all day that I was in control of my emotions and that I would have a good time all day/night if I so chose. I asked him if he was using again on the way, he denied it and became hateful and vengeful. I let it slide, reminding myself that it was the disease and that I need to work on timing when bringing up the subject. We got to the event and things were good, except his behaviors were highly annoying (but not hurtful-just normal addict habits). I tried to distance myself from him (physically and mentally) during the event, but I was so ticked that I even had to think about his behaviors that I had a hard time concentrating.
The next day I had a revelation of sorts - the question of "is he using or not?" doesn't matter. It's whether his actions towards me are acceptable or not - regardless of his sobriety. Also, I had to realize that I can't stay mad at the fact that he's using - only what he says/does directly toward myself/child. I can be sad that he's killing himself one hit at a time. I can be mad about the situation, but I can't stay mad at him for doing something that in-and-of itself doesn't affect me.
I'm trying to remember that today when he's his alter-ego and I want to be angry, but he's done/said nothing but nice things. I'm anxious for the crash-and-burn that's coming. I'm so practiced I can almost predict the cycle to a time/day now, but I will try not to be angry about that situation until he says/does something I deem unacceptable. Sticking to my bounderies during the crash will also help.
That was great to read F2FMember regarding the demon. I too look at my AD as two people. The sweet wonderful girl we created and raised and this new one that is hiding a demon. Jerry also had a similar post regarding the 'two' people that we know. One can suck us in with our needs to have them back and the other spits on us (sometimes literally! ). I've chosen to steer clear of the demon. Whether is by choosing my words that would bring it out. Or no communication at all at times.
This is an enlightening thing to discover and can save a lot of turmoil in the long run I think.