The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The play about the merry go round called denial has led me to see a fact that I had not thought of before. While my a was drinking heavily when we were together. I would play the role of enabler, victim and provoker. I would chastise him for his drinking and he would talk about his childhood and blame his mother for his drinking. I believed this. I blamed her too, I was riding along with him. For years the same poor him stories were discussed about how wicked and cruel this woman was. It was all part of his disease and this allowed him to remain drunk for years. I totally joined in. So I never had anything to do with her and I made sure my children never either.
Well now I really feel I want to make amends for this. To my children and to her. I am quite astonished by this realisation. I think I have been completely mad, I have been deep in denial right alongside him. This program is like magic, revealing truths to me.
Thanks for reading.
Thank you for your honesty and clarity. I can see how HP is rewarding your program work with such powerful insights. I was also an expert at using the Denial and Pretend tool without even having a drink. This is indeed a family disease.
(((((el cee)))))...I remember in early Al-Anon thinking whenever the 4th step was written, "I know what that pronoun ourselves means and why should I do this when she's the drunk?" and then came the shares like you just shared that showed me the power of humility and honesty and amends for what it was that I did that was hurtful and had nothing to do with my alcoholic/addict wife. The power of what you are now doing will amaze you and many others is you do it as suggested by the fellowship and a good sponsor. That has been true for me as I have been lead thru steps 4 thru 9 in Al-Anon. Thanks for your courage, your humility and a vision of your recovery. Keep on keeping on!! (((Hugs)))
I have been really thinking about this and I was thinking of writing a letter explaining myself and I thought I would apologise to my children. I talked it over with my sister and she helped me see the truth. My ex Mother in law is 80+ and Im not sure a letter would confuse her or harm her so that is out. I thought of going to visit her with some flowers and not really mentioning anything. Then it came to me all this is about me, me feeling better and having no guilt which is another wrong. So the visit is out. I will say a prayer for her, quietly and I will make amends to my children through not bad mouthing her.
The big learning curve though came as I realised the person I hurt most was actually myself. I lost out through not having a relationship with her. I could have gotten support, understanding and maybe even help when I was living in hell with her son. So I should have been at the top of my list here. I feel I have gotten some relief though. I have let go of negative feelings of ill will towards her. So maybe these amends to myself have been made.
Indeed there is a reading in the Courage to Change tht states just that. We do need to place ourselves at the top of the amends list as we hurt ourselves the most.
I made those amends to myself by attending meetings, using hte slogans and working he ssteps Best gft i culd give to myself and then eventually others.
