Daughter working on me hard this a.m. - Al-Anon Family Group

Afraidparent · Veteran Member

Daughter working on me hard this a.m.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

We could have a meeting right now on how to detach with your share and with Cathyinaz share about her relationship with her son. Hey maybe that could get into the Chat room for a real meeting?.

Your daughter would love it if she didn't have to be responsible to the family by being "different" and not being chemically altered. Every alcoholic and addict I've ever had a relatinship with wanted that from me...please over look this and "lets party"...LOL For years that is what I did and almost lost my life completely hmmmm maybe I did loose that life completely and found another better life in the programs of Al-Anon and AA. You and your husband love her. What is better than that? to a normal person, and she isn't normal...she is altered and that other personality brings pain and turmoil with it for herself and the rest of the family.

"I love you ...and... No" what a powerful truth statement and boundary...what a detachment practice...what a way to say we've turned your over. For me everyone I've ever met in recovery (both programs) started at that point..."I am powerless..." Thanks so much for sharing your recovery with the MIP family. (((((hugs))))) smile

Afraidparent · Veteran Member

Thank you Jerry for the reinforcements. That's exactly what she is wanting. Please overlook this and let me be around when "I" want to be, keep the doors open and be nice to me while I get away with doing what I want. Embarrassing myself and my family in the local bars.

I read on a post a few weeks ago to try and not engage with them and to try and end most conversations reminding there is help and AA doors are open. I lost that battle a week or so ago and let her know how I felt. However, today I remained as positive as I could and reinforced the idea of getting help. She wants me to help her and I am not equipped or able to do so. Obviously all efforts I've ever made were for nothing as we are still in the same boat and she has not followed through with anything I've done or set up.

I am learning and reading and reading. Cathy has been a big support and a great guide in detaching with love. I'm a work in progress but have found great help here at MIP.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm thinking I have number 1 down pat in the 12 steps. Number 2 is a no brainer I see it every day.

Now for number 3..... I need to make the decision to turn my will and my life over to his care completely.

Afraidparent
You are at where I was just a few months ago. We are a work in progress.......slow but steady moving forward. What we have done most of our lives will not reverse itself over night. Practice, practice practice. If we fall we get up don't we. Never, never give up on yourself.

I have finally realized that my son KNOWS I love him....hell he's heard it enough. He knows I'm there for him. I will be in his corner rooting for him all the way to the finish line. But I will not support his disease anymore and this he also knows.

One day at a time my friend.....it's time we take care of us and the only way to take care of our Adult Children.

((( hugs )))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

feeling the consequences of our behavior is how we learn from that behavior. I love your boundaries! You are doing great!! hugs, debilyn

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I was thinking, what I have often said is this,it is nothing personal, we have rules for what we need to keep our home a home. Everyone has a choice as far as if they want to be part of the family or not.

Afraidparent · Veteran Member

That's a great way to put it. I struggle with how I approach her without hurting her by what I say. As a parent our words can often cut deeper than any other person's in the world. So I try my best to never put her down or say negative things about her personally, only her behavior. Choice is a word I use often with her. I try to reinforce her choices are what creates the consequence.
Thank you for that Debilyn. I will definitely utilize that. She's already said she'd text me later today. I'm sure to push her point. I now have this also push mine. :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

you are welcome. She is your sweet daughter first. You love her very much, she deserves love. I always would say I love you more than anyone, you are grounded. lol

We can always keep things light too if it fits. I have often said to my kids and my students, wow I sure would not make that choice but it is up to you!

You are so right. Positive is the way to go. hugs,debilyn

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

detaching with love can only help not hurt your daughter. is she trying the tried and tested manipulation to get people doing what she wants? i know these tactics well. i was like a puppet with my ex a and children pulling my strings and fear was my big motivator and they new just what to say. now though i detach with love and for me that means i try to be courteous, kind and i dont offer advice. basically i offer an ear and non judgement. i try to give unconditional love where i dont try and change my family. not easy butwhen i work it it really works.x

Path to Serenity · Senior Member

Jerry F wrote:
We could have a meeting right now on how to detach with your share and with Cathyinaz share about her relationship with her son. Hey maybe that could get into the Chat room for a real meeting?.

Hey, don't start the meeting without me :-}.

My daughter just moved back from out of state - dropped by today, ask why her brother was home & not working today and I said "I don't know". She said "Well, didn't you ask?". I said """""NO"""""

Feels good to detach and not feel guilty about it!!

Afraidparent · Veteran Member

Awww what a great way to reply Path to Serenity! It does feel good to be able to say No and truly mean it. I have been able to do it a few times, not as many as I like but will keep working. How much fun was that to secretly dust your hands of why your son was home and also your daughter's thinking that it was somehow your responsibilty that he was?

Yes, El-Cee, I believe you are correct. This a manipulation of some sort. I didn't reply or try to call last night when I first read the text because 1. she probably wouldn't have answered due to probably being drunk and 2. I really didn't really care how She was feeling or how she wanted to make me feel right before bed.
I'm not sure what she's done but she's playing the pity card for some reason. I'm very thankful she doesn't live with us. SO incredibly thankful for that. I am able to put the phone down, turn it off, and try and put her aside. My husband and I raised our children. Are they adults? Yes, young adults but in society considered adults. Its time for my husband and I to enjoy one on one time.

I've secretly been working the program with my good friend. She knows I'm in a dilemma with my daughter but not that she's an alcoholic. I have not discussed with her I am involved with Al Anon. However, I have utilized Let go, Let God with her in dealing with her three children. She just told me today for Lent she is giving up her worries over her adult and young adult children. She is not going to worry about their finances or grades or new marriage. Those are things those young adult children are all in control of and more than capable of handling. Her son recently told her, I know how much debt I'm in you don't need to keep reminding me and worrying about it. With Let go, Let God she was able to fully agree with him and she said you're right and walked away.
She said its kind of fun to wash her hands of the worry and Let God take control.
I've enjoyed sharing something with her that works with everyone, not just our A's. Learning something here every day.

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