"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

AlAnonDave · Veteran Member

My AA meeting nearly brought tears to my eyes last night

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Dave and thanks for the honesty and courage to put yourself outthere for others to relate to. I relate to that share and finally came to the point where I had to look forward to what was coming and allow the missing stuff to languish for as long as it had to while I worked on the now me. The hole was wide and the hole was deep and I had a timely sponsor who HP put within close reach who pointed me to Page 449 of the 3rd edition of AA's Big Book. That is Dr. Paul's share on the importance of the discovery of Acceptance to his own recovery. Paul never realized how powerful that message was to the recovering rooms of both AA and Al-Anon to those of us who couldn't and even wouldn't be able in the now to figure out what we felt needed figuring out so badly. Some of the time I was able to get answers which were as reliable as the affected relative or friend who was trying to remember it and then tell it; pass it on, to me. Other times it was walking around or pass the hole and acknowledging "That's just a hole" and moving on. Coming to acceptance meant coming to peace with my HP, myself and my story. The longest contiguous valuable and meanful part of my life has been my recovery...34 years in one piece...The prior 37 years are full of holes. I don't regret the past nor do I wish to shut the door on it; both time periods. I had to have the first 37 in order to have the past 34. The past 34 have been the rebirth of a life which contained many holes three of which contained events and opportunities where all life could have ended I am grateful to HP and the programs of Al-Anon and AA and happier in the same measure...I learned about successful suicide which from the program is about not ending the life I was living but changing how I was living it. My old life ended and I got a life full of expectancy and awe and genuine excitement for what is here and what maybe coming next. I learned in Al-Anon and often in AA that I can cap or fill all of those holes with God and yet I choose to leave them there as evidence that I continue to come back and participate and learn the true meaning of spiritual recovery. I'm in support of your recovery. You will get stronger and more aware in the future and your story about holes will help alot of others in recovery. Mahalo (thanks) (((hugs))) smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Dave

I am sorry that yo have had such a painful childhood with so little support and understanding. I do admire your courage for sharing your deep pain and emptiness .Jerry I agree with what you have said and would like to add

I have had the pain and emptiness.that you are experiencing I did have an intact family -3 sisters and a brother . Dad was an alcoholic who worked all the time and mom was mentally ill often. < We had birthdays Christmas, vacations all the stuff of childhood but still I felt as you describe empty, is that all there is-lonely,

In working the Steps I discovered that the emptiness I felt inside was two fold

I was not inside nurturing myself.- I was looking out side for others to nurture me and Ii abandoned myself at a very early age and never supported myself or my dreams I looked out side always

The second cause for this hole was that I had abandoned God I was told it was an HP shaped hole and that I would continue to be this empty until I connected with HP continually on a daily basis and took care of my emotional needs by attending meetings, being honest and praying

It worked I no longer feel empty.

oldergal · Senior Member

Dave, growing up my Dad was an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a pedafile, my Mom was very submissive.

When I was growing up I had Christmas, but it was a walking on eggshells type, afraid to be happy or say the wrong thing. I had BD's only so my little friends could come around (sick Dad). My saving grace was my sisters around me I was the youngest. Have bad memories of my childhood or no memory at all.

But I have the choice to think about the holes in my childhood, parenting OR move on and make a new life for myself. I have done some healing with my "inner child" and I now have the choice to make my Christmas spectacular and my BD's real fun. I can't change the pass, but I can plan changes for the future. Living from the inside out is what I think is the right thing to do. I was drinking once because I felt empty, but that even made me emptier because I made the wrong choices for myself. Then I put effort into becoming someone I really wanted to be. I have to say the hole is gone now because I nurtured the spiritual side of my life and it has been rewarding. We've all been dealt a hand and we have to make the best of it. As the song goes "you gotta know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, know when to run.

In support of your search for meaning and peace, Oldergal

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

http://alanon.activeboard.com/t17784587/whose-family-is-it/

Dave - your post brought back many memories of Garry - a friend who I met many years ago, and struggled so desperately to gain the acceptance love of his family of origin, to the point that he never could quite see the amazing and awesome 'family of choice' where he was an integral part...

Hope this helps

Tom

AlAnonDave · Veteran Member

Thanks, canadianguy- I indeed can relate to how he felt. Im not at the giving up stage- just trying to figure out how to move on and away from it all. There must be some purpose for it, thats how Im looking at it right now. Im still on my knees every day asking HP for guidance and direction. In his time, im certain it will be revealed. I struggle with being too much like my father- cynical, sarcastic, and all too often detached from real feelings. Ive been told that Im unapproachable sometimes, especially at work and home, and I cant understand what the problem is. Every time Im feeling like Im moving towards a peaceful solution, I revert back to "that guy" again. Ive been wanting to visit a therpist, and I had tghought I found one, but theyve appeared to close up shop. Im going to meetings and still doing what I need to do. I can see change in me since taking my steps more seriously, but its painfully slow. Guess Ill keep digging for a therapist and working at this.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Dave, thanks for your share. That spot you spoke of is what I call my God spot. I wish I could put it into better words because it's hard for me to describe the emptiness when that spot feels empty. For me it's almost like my self worth is attached to that spot. When I talk about powerlessness I have to go to I'm powerless over other people places things and I include my past in that statement. Which is about forgiving myself for not being loveable as a kid. Forgiving my parents for not being the parents every child deserves. As I heal in Alannon that spot isn't as big as it was, keep coming back and you are not alone. I didn't fill my spot with alcohol. I found myself filling it with addicts. It takes time to fill that spot with self love and not self loathing. So I guess that is why I call that spot my god spot. Keep coming back. Hugs p :)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for such an honest share. It helps to know that other people struggle with similar things.

I don't mean to minimize what you've been through at all. Not having parents who were present or there for us can be devastating. My parents were "missing in action" and it was horrible.

I have also noticed that when things are wrong in my present life, I dwell on the past more. It's as if loneliness and need now draw in all the loneliness and need I ever felt. Sometimes I know I blame my rotten childhood even more than I should. Not in any way that it was not rotten. But I notice that whatever people are missing, they focus on that. I have a friend who never went to college and who blames everything on not having been to college. I say, "College can be good but it doesn't really solve all your problems." She says, "You just don't understand what not having been to college is like." Another friend thinks everything that's wrong is because she grew up overweight. I myself fall into believing that everything that's wrong is wrong because I don't have a partner. "It's all because of my terrible childhood," I think. What I'm trying to say is that when we feel the hole, we find the thing that was missing and say "That's the hole." And because we can't redo our childhoods (or not grow up overweight, or suddenly order up a partner), it gives us a reason to feel despair. "I feel this hole because of this thing that I can't make different."

I don't know the entire answer to the hole. Sometimes I feel it and sometimes I don't and it's hard to say what the difference is. I know in my case it goes away when I truly feel loved. That's partly dependent on other people but also partly dependent on me. That's what I've figured out so far.

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Dave,

I sometimes openly weep at my Alanon meeting. Its hard to work out- sometimes when i am very sad, and also when I am happy and grateful.

I was talking about an incident that happened when i was 15. A man came along to school to talk to the fifth form boys. He was a yopung familuy man then and he was from AA. Oh boy! he taked from a completely different way from what i was used to. Beer in hand- chest pushed out- bragging boasting and skiting. But this guy spoke from the heart, from his experience.

Out of a living hell this was a ray of hope I cling onto for years. My walk is very close to recovering alcoholics and addicts... this guy sowed the seed of trust.

And it does open up the water-works, for me, even now...

-Dave.

AlAnonDave · Veteran Member

I dont know whether its because Im honestly acknowledging the loss for the first time in my life, or if I just am going through something that points in my childhood or not, I just know that this somehow feels different than other days when things dont seem right. I can recall being in rehab and having a spiritual awakening after a major emotionally charged group session. Whats usually typical in that setting is that someone finally comes clean about their dishonesty or something they did that never got resolved and they took stock of it and later had their awakening after working through the steps. My case was different. I had told the counsellors that I didnt feel anything emotionally. When they asked me how I felt, it just elicited a blank sort of empty feeling. I did my mid counselling session with the gentleman who led the place, and he told me that my counsellors didnt know me at all after 4 weeks of being there. I was getting desperate and wanted to feel but couldnt. I asked him for help. He asked if I was a drunk, I said I was, and he asked me "how do you know this?" I told him about the withdrawal, told him about how often I drank, etc. I was told we were done and that was that. I went to my room, closed the bathroom door, turned the lights off and begged God to help me feel again. Next day at group, there was a brand new counsellor there. I was due to tell my story and got about a third of the way through it and she stopped me at some point and asked me how I felt about that item. I said I didnt know. I was being honest. I talked with my hands a lot back then, and she saw me subconsciously doing it, and grabbed my arm and told me to stop. Just the act of her grabbing my arm caught me off guard and I started bawling like I never had before. I remember having this monster headache and when I woke in the morning, it was gone, replaced with a spiritual awakening. Long story short, I relapsed a couple months later and never have been quite right since. The item in my story i was referring to was about abuse by my ex step mother, who just died last year. I thought I was past it, and when my father told me about it, its like anything else he tells me about thats important- like as if it were hum drum news. And just like all the other things he informs me about, like my great grandmother whom I was close to dying- usually late after months have passed. Same as my Grandfather dying- 6 months late. My Grandmother dying- YEARS late. My mother possibly passing away- who knows when that may have happened. It crushes me how little I matter that information like this isnt important to me to tell me right away.

Well, I just feel like that guy sitting in the counselors chair again, drawing on empty. Its only been the last two days and its odd how it came about, but I let myself go over all that stuff at AA, and listened to the story and put my mother in that mans place and can imagine all shes been through, and how all of the effects of alcoholism has affected me directly and indirectly. Its just seems like such a lonely place to be right now. But Im glad you all have shared with me on this, its helping a lot. At least I can relate.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"