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Hello friends. I need some gudance today. I read today's Courage to Change entry about loving myself, loving my A, and loving others. The first and last, I understand, but the middle one is hard for me lately.
How do I act lovingly to him, when I can smell the booze on his breath, and it makes my blood boil? I do love him, but it is hard to not be angry. I have read Getting them Sober, Vol 1, and I understand how the A feels so bad and worthless, that I don't need to remind him or make it worse, but I have a hard time being kind and compassionate sometimes, because I don't want him to think he's 'gotten away' with his drinking, bad behavior, etc. Am I mking sense? Please share how yoyu all cope with this feeling. Needing some encouragement today.
This one is always a struggle, isn't it? I just finished reading Getting Them Sober also, and all I try to remind myself is there's no way he would be choosing to abuse his body this way, impair his thoughts, damage his relationships etc.....however, it took me a LONG time to even get close to that much compassion (I was also sitting in a lawyer's office a few months ago, getting ready to launch the whole marriage!)
There are a few things that help me, maybe they will you too--the book above, The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, One Day at a Time in Alanon...also, I am trying to remember that he is not drinking for me, hence he will not STOP drinking for me.
Mostly I get a lot of support and empathy here, and hope you do too.
To answer your question honestly, I have to admit that I have a very hard time stirring up any loving feelings in action towards my AH. Mostly because of crap he's said that tore me down so badly and damaged my heart and soul. It wasn't the drinking, it was what he said stone cold sober that has given me feelings of hate, fear, and indifference(at times). For now, I choose to love him as a child of God, to see him as a lost soul just as I am. I do not have to express those feelings towards him in a physical way, I am just learning that he deserves my prayers and love even if I don't feel them on the surface of my emotions. You can learn to detach but still love, that takes time and practice. I found that talking to my sponsor in Al Anon was the best way to do so. Al Anon has a pamphlet on detachment, find one if you go to meetings. I keep it in my purse and pull it out daily to read. Hugs, keep coming back!
Hi, I can relate. I too feel resentful and struggle with compassion. I think the trick is to detach. Try hard to think of him as separate. He has the right to drink, it is his choice. The same way you choose to watch him in his drinking. It's part of the same sickness. To detach is to free yourself from his life. Try taking your eyes off him, you may be feeding him with attention that he enjoys. Concentrate on your minutes, hours, days being filled with you not him. He will or won't drink, what are you going to do?
Wow el-cee, great words of wisdom! I also struggle with detachment. I insist in being in on the action even as I know it is sick and dysfunctional. I know when my AH is drunk he wants to hurt me with words so I feel as low as he does and I let him. Detach, Detach, Detach!
It helped me to know in my heart that he wasnt drinking to hurt me, he had a disease. Also detaching and boundries, also to help me heal was knowing that all the hurtful and nasty things he had done and said werent really how he felt towards me but he was so shameful, low and spiritually sick that he projected all his crap on me. Seperating the man and the disease is hard but helped me, I knew the man I fell in love with was in there somewhere. But in truth it was only when I let go and handed him to his higherpower that he found the rooms of AA.
Much love and support
Simone x
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
Great thread and wisdom on this one. I hope lotsa members read it and come in with their ESH also. Wow!! I also learned a ton about loving the alcoholic from inside the rooms of Al-Anon. There were some real masters at detachment and love and acceptance that HP put there for me. Listening to the lessons on this being a disease and would you hate a person who had diabetes or a heart or brain condition? Learning to love unconditionally the alcoholic in the same way I love the fellowship and the MIP family again unconditionally. The lessons about "Is she my wife or my alcoholic" and knowing which one was in the room with me at any one time and still having the unconditional acceptance that I now use in my definition of love...for me. Learning that there were many times when others including my alcoholic had to stretch in effort to love me also was huge. Coming to understand that it is easiest to hurt the person that loves me because they will always be there for me in mind and spirit and emotions and often too bodily. They keep coming back until there are most reasons to stay detached. Coming to understand what it was like to be loved by me myself and how good that felt unless I was under the influence of a mind and mood altering chemical that made me abnormal. I have no problem loving the alcoholic today whether I choose to do that from nearby or far and whether at times it is just a bit better than being bitter about it. I'm gonna continue to listen cause this is a great thread...wait!! I already said that huh? ((((hugs))))
Great suggestions and thoughts from everyone. Thank you. El-cee, I especially liked the "keep your eyes off him" suggestion. So true, I am always staring, watching, waiting for his next move. So much so, that he has said, what are we going to do, sit and stare at each other all night?
Thanks
