Tired of the BS - Al-Anon Family Group

DebLisa55 · Member

Tired of the BS

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

DebLisa:

Glad you found these message boards---there is a lot of support and understanding here. I am fairly new also, but I know that every situation that is described here someone has lived through, or is living through. Try to take care of yourself--if going to to the church where you got married is too uncomfortable there are sure to be others in your area...also the online meetings in the chat room here occur twice a day and are also very helpful.

Just know you are not alone...lots of positive thoughts coming your way,

yanksfan

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hon he is not an idiot. He is very sick with the disease of addiction. He did not choose to be an A, it's in ones dna. al anon will help you understand about the disease and also how to help yourself.

He does not do this on purpose.

It is not personal. We have to decide if we choose to learn to live with them, making things the best we can or not live with them. They have to get help themselves, we can do nothing. In fact when we do, we make it worse. We can learn to focus away from it and build on our own lives.

I am so glad you ended up here at MIP. I am telling you, you were led here by a miracle. Its all up to you now. much love,debilyn

DebLisa55 · Member

Debilyn and Yanksfan51: Thank you for your replies. All I keep thinking about is when we were first married how great everything was and then we had 2 girls who are now in their 20s and unfortunately have lived through this for many years. I tried not letting them know alot when they were younger but as they got older, you can hide it from them anymore. And its always the same, he drinks, gets completely intoxicated, DRIVES A CAR, and then regrets what he did and will not drink for a couple of weeks. And then it starts all over again. It took a long long time for him to finally admit he is an alcoholic. He was at the point of losing his job when he went into this intensive outpatient program. AND ITS NOT WORKING. So all this time, 2 months worth, I've been thinking wow hes finally doing it. He stopped drinking for over 60 days. And then I find out, its all been a lie. He failed a few tests at the treatment center and they never called me about it. This was last month and he failed three weeks in a row. The only reason I found out was because I called them to see how he was doing and got the shock of my life. It was at that point that I am done. I want him out but our kids would never want their father to leave. So this sneak that I am married to gets to bs everyone. I dont believe a word he says, I dont trust him and this man that I thought was my soul mate 25 years ago I dont even know anymore. Debilyn I wish I could see this like you but I am so mad I hate him. What is going to work. A lobotomy?

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to Miracles In Progress!

My heart truly goes out to you. I know the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness that comes with being in a alcoholic relationship. I too have been the down the road of thinking and feeling like I was dealing with a idiot... but because I have been here for a while, I also know that is when I am personalizing someone else's diease of alcoholism. It's not about me. I didn't cause it, can't cure it, and failed miserably at trying to control it. It was hard for me to think of the alcoholic as a sick person. Hell, they were making me sick! Let me say that again... their diease was making ME sick. The alcoholic drinks and gets drunk... but it is those closest to them, those that love them that go nuts trying to figure it out, manipulate things, sneaking around to find out what the alcoholic is doing, staying up late at night, waiting... just sitting there like a pet waiting... and when the alcholic walked in the door.... I would yell, cry, be cold, shut down communications, threaten, make family plans that were designed to intentionally intrude on the alcoholics ability to drink, (then be upset, hurt and wacked out because they didn't want to do it) I tried to talk, tried to listen, not make a big deal of it, make a huge deal of it... I was the one who was all over the place. The alcoholic was drinking, but I was the one drowning in it.

Now, let me share the other part of my story...

I was the idiot at one time.. to many people that were close to me and loved me. I was a drunk. Some gave up, ended our relationship, be it family, work, friends...etc, and a few others held on.. to what? HOPE. They had hope for me when I couldn't even hope for myself. And when the odds were against me and it seemed there was no end in sight to my sickness, to my alcoholic lifestyle.. a miracles started to unfold... and one day at a time, I learned how to get sober and stay sober. I haven't drank in over 23 years now... and I am still a Miracle In Progress... still unfolding.

Recovery is a process, be it for the alcoholic or those who are adversely effected by the alcoholism of a loved one.

Your hubby may flop around and struggle. It is not unusal that the alcoholic in the early stages of recovery doesn't simply just "get it". That's the journey that is between him and the God of his own understanding or lack thereof. Take a breath. He is definetely in the "getting ready" stage. Just don't give up HOPE. For him or YOURSELF.

As for yourself... get to those Al-Anon meetings... it doesn't matter what church they are in, or who is there, they are trying to do the same thing you are trying to do, learn, grow and heal from the heidious diease of alcholism that has invaded their lives too. In order to do this, we need to learn and accept that it is not our diease. We don't need to personalize it, or try to make it about us. Try to encourage your alcoholic to go to some AA meetings, but don't push.. just encourage. And take care of yourself as he tries to find his way.

Keep in mind, that what you are experiencing is every bit as important as what the alcoholic is experiencing. You need to recover too.

John

Zimmy · Senior Member

Hi DebLisa55, I totally understand how your feeling, for me I lived in denial for a long long time. When I used to find bottles all over the house I took it so personally, how can he lie to my face when i found him drinking from one of his hidden bottles. I hated him, I hated my hopeless life. I discovered I was so in denial about him being an alcoholic. He left the family home due to his blackout drinking and violence. Al-anon saved my life, I was so ill when I found you all. Its not easy living with this horrible disease, it messes us up, our dreams, our thinking becomes distorted and watching the people we love living the way they do. As deblyn said earlier they dont choose to drink they have a genetic disease and the compulsion to drink is too strong has nothing to do with not loving us their families enough.

The hardest part is watching the man you fell in love with and choosing to spend your life with hurting themselves and those around them.

I hope you can get to a f2f meeting in the meantime, read any al-anon material you can get your hands on, vent on here, read post from other members. The 12 Steps of al-anon really helped me see my part and how i enabled him.

Also step 1 of al-anon We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanagable..phew what sweet relief...because i thought i was powerful enough to stop him drinking.

When I let go my abf found AA and is now working a programme and every day I see so much more of the man I fell in love with but better, as he was always a drinker. I dont know when it changed from regular drinker to heavy drinker to alcoholic drinker but the disease is gradual and creeps up on us. Please dont be hard on yourself its not called a family disease for nothing.

Much love and support

Simone x

-- Edited by Zimmy on Wednesday 13th of February 2013 03:09:17 AM

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

I am a few months ahead of you in what sounds like a similar nightmare. I separated from my AH of 26 years in August because he had gotten so out of control. Like your husband, he had gone through the treatment programs and then lost his job and our insurance. I flip and flop between anger and sadness about the whole situation. Try to take things one day at a time when you are making your decisions. The things that I have done were big and scary changes but one step at a time made them doable. The book, Getting Them Sober has been very helpful to me. John, your description of the different ways we react to try to get through to the alcoholic were perfect. I did feel as if I was going crazy. Love hearing from someone who has seen both sides of this disease. Congratulations on your many years of sobriety.

DebLisa55 · Member

John when I was reading your response, I was sitting here shaking my head thinking you were me. How surprised I was to read on and see you were like my husband and then I sat here crying like a fool. Congratulations to you for being sober for so long.

I dont mean to sound harsh or bitchy but I dont know what to do. How could someone who never drank go in the complete opposite direction? Every time he leaves the house, I pray nothing happens, nothing takes hold of him and then instead of doing what hes supposed to be doing, he stops at the liquor store and gets his damn beer and then sits there, sits right there and drinks! My parents are definitely watching over him. They loved him like a son. But what happens when his luck runs out? We are barely making ends meet right now, what would we do if he got a DUI or god forbid did something else. And when I talk to him about it, he gets mad and says he knows, he knows, and trust him, he wont do it again - hes done with drinking. Yeah right that word trust. He needs to stop saying it.

In the beginning I thought I kept his drinking a secret from people, that it really wasnt a big deal. But as time went on they knew. Especially my neighbor who would see him get the beer out of the garbage pail. Never said a word to me. I never knew until I found the beer cans.

You get one chance at life. After my mother died I finally realized I am not as invincible as I thought I was. I am tired of hoping things will change, or get better or treatment will work. So I am stuck, stuck in this miserable life. Why is that? We all want to help our spouses stop drinking and then they dont. I am so angry.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Working on your own recovery in Al-Anon can make a big difference. Everyone's situation is different and no one has the right answer for you but you. That does include your daughters. If you decide that separating is the right choice, you don't owe it to your daughters to stay in a terrible situation. They are in charge of their lives once they are grown, and you are in charge of yours. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.