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Hello, Im new here. I have been reading the messages boards by just going to the search engine looking at topics of what i was feeling through another individual feelings. I have done this for 6 months now. Today I finally decided i should write about my own experince, my own hurt, my own everything.
Long story short...my ex A finally decided to leave me after a year of a relationship. It started off well i didn't see the addiction until i was sucked into it myself. I tried to help i tried to do everything that they said i shouldn't. We spent superbowl weekend together, that was the last time i saw him we had broken up for the million time on his bday which was 3 weeks before super bowl. well i finally gave in that day and he came to my house of course he drank..very heavy that day i couldn't even sleep that night because he kept kicking me and move his arms in his sleep...ugh i hated those nights. Anyway it finally came down to last week when i found out he was talking to a women on line..i was hurt because he was always telling me to come back and lets make it work yet he was over there talking to someone else. Well when i found out that gave him the push to say...it's over. Move on...he is telling me that when all along i wanted was that. Why do i hurt then?? Why does it hurt if i didn't even want to be with him in the first place. I had been the one who would always ignore his text everything and now he does it to me?? He wont talk to me he wont text back anything.
My question is why do i feel guilty still if i wanted this. Why do i even bother calling him to tell him i love him if i don't even want him back as a boyfriend because clearly he can't be a good one. I just don't understand how it went from him contacting me all the time to just let it go without telling anything. All he said was you didn't want kids...and i don't, not with an addict. i told him that and he just question me it by reply addict?? like he has no clue he is one. weird!!
He told me to stop contacting him and that makes me want to contact him more because, i would tell him that and he would do it more. SUCH A VICIOUS CYCLE...i guess i really need some feed about not him or the situation but for myself to realize that this is actually a good thing. i think im stuck because i was always use to him looking for me...and now he has completely cut out all ties. I know co-dependency at his finest!! Help anyone??
He's certainly flipped the table on you hasn't he. My guess is that the moment you stop trying to contact him he will then try to contact you to keep you on the hook. He's loving having all the control at the moment though. You really need to understand that you may love him with your heart and not your head. Your head knows that he is not the best person for you but your heart still doesn't get it. You still feel rejected and rejection hurts. You need to get your heart and head on the same page. This will take some time. Give yourself that time.
Hi Evejc02, I am sorry you are in this pain. It is very real and very painful. I too experienced a breakup that I knew was bad for me and caused me all sorts of anxiety and doubt. In the end he left me after 3 1/2 yrs for a biker chick in his AA group. I knew he was selfish, self centered but I just waited for morsels of him and tried to convince myself it was enough but knew all along I wanted so much more from the relationship. Friends who knew him told me I would hear from him cuz that was his style. Well its been 3 months and not a word. I am glad actually but my emotions are not. I still wait for a call or some kind of contact. Crazy, I know, but these thoughts turned into fantasies and only resulted in more pain. I thought I could tell him how differently I would do it now, that I had come to love him.
I have seen postings on this board about how we, as codependents, must deal with our addiction to the alcoholic/addict. I was addicted to his attention and calls too; I mistook sex for love as well. We as codependents seem to have problems with admitting to the reality of our lives. The reality that he really wasn't into me like I wanted; that sex was just sex for him; that I was getting sicker and more unhappy in my state of co-dependency and my fantasies of what could have been were not real. Knowing this has helped me over time to realize I needed and wanted to "work on myself".
There is a quote in Al Anon "the alcoholic/addict will drink, use , disappear (or any number of other undesirable actions) or they won't....what are YOU going to do". My answer has been to do things (meetings, prayer, meditation, read Al Anon literature, go to F2F meetings) for myself and be aware of how I am growing and feeling better about myself. In the past couple weeks friends and my kids have commented on how much happier I sound and act. Feels good to have it noticed. I still have moments and thoughts of WHY? It really doesn't matter why. What matters is what I choose to do now to be more whole and happier. I believe we can trust we will only attract healthier people the more healthy we become...gives me hope.
Hope you can get to some Al-Anon meetings where you are...they truly have helped me become aware of my part in all of this . It is a great place where we can be totally accepted and not judged...we are good at judging ourselves pretty harshly anyway:)
Coming back and posting our progress and challenges helps us all. You were quite courageous to post for the first time...hope you come back.
Thank you!! Thank you!! For taking the time to read and reply to my post. Literally, when I read yours dponlyme i burst into tears and im not a person who does that easily. Rejection does hurt and im beyond hurt. Dealing with an A and the roller coaster of emotions has taken a huge toll on me...but i'm hopeful. Thank you again for your words I appreciate more than you can ever know.
Jackie Z- Your experience is exactly how i feel/felt in that relationship. I read it and re-read because I couldn't believe that you feel the same way i do. It's amazing really that you guys get me or get it. I have never been addicted to anything and i would always say i can't understand why you just can't stop drinking or whatever i saw someone do with an extreme complusion i would say just stop! Yet, I can't stop being co-dependent so i do have an addiction and i see it now. I have gone to f2f meetings and i stop because i gave up, but i will def go back. For now i will re-read the replys and really take the time to heal...BOY DO I NEED IT!! THANK YOU :)
