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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> bait & switch
Post Info TOPIC: bait & switch
midas


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bait & switch
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I've tried to be spiritual and grounded and to reach out to others and to keep everything in perspective. But, you know, sometimes I just get ticked off... sometimes I'm done being all compassionate and spiritual and I'm just really angry. Does anyone else relate to this?

The "bait and switch"... I spent 3 years with a 3.5 year sober recovering alcoholic. My soulmate, my future, the future father of my children.  Go figure, AFTER we got married he's been relapsing ever since. I've learned so much, and I'm banging my head against the wall trying to stick to the principles of AA and Al-Anon... but just right now in this moment of weakness, I hate him... I feel betrayed, disappointed, and let down. I keep trying to take the high road, but it just feels so unfair when he is not taking the high road, instead our plans for buying a home, getting pregnant, starting a family, are all on hold because alcohol has more power over my husband than I do.

He's decided that AA is not helpful for him- his sponsor is fed up with him- his dad won't talk to him if he's drinking- he won't talk to the rest of his family if he's drinking- and now his therapist says that if he (husband) drinks he (therapist) will have him committed. This will result in his losing his job, seeing as he ALREADY used up short term disability for the purpose of going to rehab.

I want to be strong and not feel sorry to myself, but DAMN... I got MY life together- found a smart, funny, responsible, caring, man, and he's turning into a monster. It feels unfair. I try to surrender to the HP but I get angry because why is the HP doing this to me?! I'm so angry I want to scream at my husband- physically restrain him- but everything I do makes it worse.

I have learned... I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it. I do know this, but it's not enough. I can't just sit back and think those thoughts because there's more to it... ok sure I didn't cause it & I can't control or cure it... but in the meantime I'm stuck living with a mean sloppy drunk who is jeopardizing our shared life, our relationship, our future. 

Thanks for listening to m vent- I just feel desperate.



__________________

"my country is the world, and my religion is to do good" (Thomas Paine)
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Dearest Midas I am so sad for you. I got married to a man very strong in AA on program for years. I was ignorant to the disease of addiction, knew nothing about what relase meant.

Then AH had a brain surgery, relapsed and turned into a monster, my chosen one like yours was gone. He has never come back.

I researched addiction, this disease has symptoms like other diseases. It is in their dna.They do not choose it, and they mean it when they say they want to quit. But the disease will not just let them Midas. Even when they do go into a strong every moment program of recovery, relapse is part of it.  The program is sortof a map of how to live in a healthy way, they learn to talk to hp, make a commitment not to use that day or hour or minute,they work on being truthful, thinking about others, sticking to the plan, the goals they set forth.

Sadly relapsing is part of this disease. I already had my kids. I would never have married an A planning on kids or anything knowing what I know. I would take each day at a time. BUT I would NEVER marry an
A knowing what I do.I am so sorry you are where you are. Its a horrible pit of pain and loss. The AH does not want to be alone and pulls you into their pit with them.

We stay and use our al anon tools, we stay and be miserable with out using tools, we leave. They have the right to be who and what they are same as us. Its not our right to change them. We cannot anyway, anymore than we can make it snow. Its totally an irrational thought to think we can change an

A.

You are at an age I know you want those things, and very soon. To believe a person can have them with an A and it be healthy, in my experience is close to impossible. Been here at MIP can't even remember, 11 or 12 years? Watched my friends and others over 40 years! Not one family where one was an A worked. not one.

But we can use al anon tools if we choose to stay with them and make the best of it. We can learn to focus on just loving them, and Al anon can teach us how. remember this is MY experience. I would not bring kids into it. I would not put my name on anything with the A. they are very very sick, sad people. They can do their very best and be a drink, needle or pill away from relapse that will bring them right back to where they were.

I was there, I hung on for years. I am not sorry. I gleaned all I could from my very sick, very loved husband, until the monster was too dangerous to live with. (the addiction part, the disease.)

I had to change me. Never going anywhere, never having anyone over etc. But we had fun doing stuff together at home. I went to work with him. I learned to love him and be able to be around him when he was drunk and still feel love for him.

I hope you go to meetings. the ones here at MIP are great. This is a real disease Midas, it is not his fault. I learned to love the man and hate the disease. I still do many, many years later of not even have seen him.

pm all you want also!! hugs and love,debilyn

 

 



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
el-cee


~*Service Worker*~

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It's a horrible disease that takes all your hopes and expectations away. It sounds like you are beginning to accept things the way they are rather than being in denial which is really unhealthy. When I was starting out I wouldn't face any of the facts and I went on to have children and in a way gave myself even more reasons to deny the problems of his drinking. So I think even though you are angry at least you can see the truth. It is a progressive disease for him but it's good you have got alanon so you can protect yourself. He is an alcoholic and is doing what alcoholics do but a more important question is what are you going to do?

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midas


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Posts: 23
Date:
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Thank you so much Debilyn & LC... it is nice to know I'm not alone. I feel so desperate right now, it's nice to just vent to someone & know someone's listening & understands. As for what I'm going to do... I really have no idea right now- thinking about the big picture just makes me hysterical sobbing, so I'm trying to take one day at a time. I'm trying to be stronger and less naive. (like if I KNOW he is drinking, trust my gut, don't let him talk me out of it and turn it around so I feel badly for "accusing" him)

Seriously, I do NOT want a divorce. I've been divorced once and promised myself I'd only get married if it were for life- to grow old together. Since he was sober for 3.5 years I have faith that he CAN live as a recovering A, not an active drinker. I feel so betrayed because even if I left him I'd still be devastated. Not only do I love him, but we were trying to get pregnant, and looking at houses. I'm so angry that I might have to lose my chance at having a home and family due to his betrayal and disease.

I'm praying so hard that he can get through a relapse and get back on track- get another few years of sobriety under his belt. I also realize this might be just more naivety.

Thanks for listening
Hugs

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"my country is the world, and my religion is to do good" (Thomas Paine)
wornoutmrsfixit


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Date:
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You asked if anyone related to this post. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!!!!!

 



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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
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