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I am having a bit of a pity party but I am really feeling like I keep trying to do the right things but I keep getting my feelings hurt.
Here goes my week. I am working for an atorney who thinks she never makes a mistake. She is good in Court but around the office she is a slob who is disorganized, always missing deadlines, misplacing important things but when she is called out on that kind of thing, she blames whichever employee is not around. Her last secretary that had been with her for years got fed up and left back in December so when she asked me if I would do the job, I stepped up and said that I would work full time until she found someone but I had never done legal secretarial work before so I would need lots of instruction. I have busted my ass and put in lots of overtime but after being with her so many hours a week, I decided that it wasn't my cup of tea and told her that I wanted to go back to my part time hours and what I had been doing before which was making appointments and working with foster care families and parents working out custody/visitation schedules but I told her I would hang in there for her until she found someone. Then, this week, I find out that she has put the blame on me for a couple of things that didn't get done that were not my fault. Unlike her, I will admit when I screw up. I can think of 2 things that I have goofed up and in both cases, I went to her and said this is what happened, how do I fix it? She had been very patient so I was feeling pretty good about how things were going. Yesterday, me and another girl were blowing off a little steam and it came out that she has made some crappy remarks about me not wanting to work full time and how I would probably find some rich man to marry and not work at all (she's never been married) and how I was so slow around the office. I admit I am not the fastest worker but I like things done right and my last boss told me that I wasn't the fastest but that when I did something she knew it was done right and there was no need to go back and check over what I had done unlike some of the other employees who got it done a little quicker. I have had clients that have been calling in and trying to get things done for months that have called and thanked me personally for finally getting their cases moving. On top of that, she hired a girl to come in and work my off days (1 1/2 days a week) who is barely computer literate and she is making more an hour than me. Now, it's Sunday night and I feel close to tears knowing that I am facing another week of being stuck in there.
During all this drama, my unemployed AH decides to go to FL with his dad and brother and sister-in-law to see some of his dad's sick relatives. I see from my sister-in-law's posts on FB that the weather is in the 80's while I'm freezing my ass off and he's out fishing in the sunshine and eating out. He has ruined our last few vacations with his drinking and my first thought was, good - spend some time with your brother and son and realize just how sick he is. They couldn't be bothered to do much more than the bare minimum when I was asking for their help but something tells me he is probably on his best behavior.
One thing that really burns me up is he said that I had an "emotional affair" with a man at work and he cannot forgive me for that. This is what he blames his slide into major alcoholism on but he was sliding down long before I ever met this man. I guess he noticed something there and when he asked me, I admitted that there was an attraction but that we were both good people and would never act on it in any way. Well, again trying to do the right thing and be honest got me nowhere. Anyway, the brother and sister-in-law that he is traveling with survived an affair that was had by the wife. I told my husband not long ago that his own brother was able to forgive his wife for that and not drink himself out of a marriage, job and health. (I guess there was some getting even going on because he confessed to my husband that he had met up with an old girlfriend on a trip not long ago and had "messed around but didn't have sex".) That they gotten past it and were now enjoying their life with grandchildren and travel. AH says that at least she had the decency to admit to what she had done. He still doesn't believe me when I tell him that nothing physical ever happened. I told him that obviously my self control is better than his, which is obvious from his abuse of alcohol and so maybe he just can't understand how someone can be stronger than their desires. Feel like it's a little hypocritical of him to be sitting there with 2 admitted adulterers while I am shamed by him for noticing a man who treated me with a lot of respect and wanted the same things out of life that I did, including more children and NO alcohol.
I have bent over backwards to be civil and fair in my dealings with him since I've left. I have been very independent and taken very little from our home and said very little to anyone about what has happened. I am a private person and don't want to drag our personal business out for everyone to see but all I hear from him is what I have done wrong and he twists everything I say and do into something devious.
Although I do have a lot of support, I am feeling very unappreciated lately and let down by God and many people in my life. I miss having a man around that really cares about me. I feel like my husband does still love me but there is so much damage done there, I don't feel like I could ever feel the same about him even if he stopped drinking. I don't have the patience or the energy to go through the dry drunk/crappy personality that go with an alcoholic in recovery. I want peace.
I know I need to file for divorce but I am just so drained that I don't even want to go to the hassle of looking up accounts and arguring over IRA's and putting the house on the market. Just not motivated to take on the drama.
Long winded, I know but it felt good to just type it out. I knew my MIP family will either have been here themselves or at least understand.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
I can completely relate to your share. For the past couple of weeks I felt very abandoned. Friday after realizing some of my part in my own situation, my perception changed a lot. I was really trying to control a situation that I can't, God can, and I'll let him. You will know when you know when you are ready you will know what to do next. I wasn't sure when I filed I know it was the right thing for me to do. It's not been an easy ride. That is putting it mildly, it's ok I'm not alone and I have not been abandoned. Even when I forget and think I have I'm not alone. As for your AH he is sick and that hasn't changed because he's on vacation. I laughed when I thought about what my stbax what his life is like and honestly it's not as great as he'd have everyone believe. Keep coming back. Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I meant to add and didn't that all of my stbax's issues are all my fault. That is the world he lives in. Of course the reality is his issues are the continued consequences of his own choices. I'm sure no one in his reality knows the truth, or maybe it's better to say my perception of the situation. I have to hang onto my truth though without minimizing or maximizing what that truth is. It's way to easy to say Ohhh maybe out wasn't that bad or maybe it really is me. He was a bastard the whole relationship and that is not true either. You are very much not alone. It's been a emotionally trying week. Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
FixIt, Just wanted to say ((((HUGS)))) and boy, do I understand, especially the part about so much damage being done that even if he got sober, you don't know if you would want to continue or have the energy to deal with a dry drunk.
Thank you both for confirming that my feelings are normal. I really have tried to stay positive and keep doing the right things but my faith in that theory and my HP is shaken when I seem to keep being crapped on. Makes me think maybe I should have gone for that affair and not worried about my marriage since I am treated that way anyway. Would I be better of playing hardball with divorce proceedings? Why do I try so hard at my job for a self absorbed narcissist? Is it my stupid people-pleasing, codependent side rearing it's ugly head again?
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Something I have recently said to my atty is I'm tired of always doing the right thing and feeling constantly let down by the system even my own sense of justice. (which of course let me have my sword of justice so I can swat him on the head .. REALLY HARD!!!)
I would highly encourage you to read the Getting Them Sober Vol 4 Toby Rice Drew. She talks about life during and after a split. If you have already read it .. read it again. It really does help and it really is a great reminder you aren't alone.
If you are working with a sponsor and you are ready and only if you are ready .. you and your sponsor will know if you are or not .. those questions you are asking are great step 4 work. You could be right about all that you ask about .. instead of why though I would encourage you to look at what can you do differently? The why's tend to tangle me up and frustrate the crap out of me. I can do something about what can I do differently. Is it a situation I can change? Please God give me the wisdom to know the difference between control and surrender.
For me my divorce and I know this is going to sound cold and I don't mean it in a flat way .. it's the best way I can describe it and even my atty agreed with my assessment .. it's a business deal and I need to treat it as such .. no emotions about it. Whatever I need to spew emotionally needs to be kept for the rooms and my sponsor probably not in that order .. LOL!! I'm trying like crazy to surrender all of this to the God of my understanding and that's not always easy to do. I've been saying a LOT of I can't, He can, I'll let Him. I want to say .. but what about what the STBAX did? What about, what about, what about .. it's not fair! I like to scream that one a lot in my mind .. LOL. I have NO plans to be a doormat .. seriously. That's the other question I ask myself a LOT. Am I being a doormat or do I need to get up off the floor.
The last thing is please please please .. be gentle with you. If you are anything like me .. I didn't get here over night and it's not going to be fixed over night either .. ohhh yes .. of course I want it to be .. LOL. That's just not reality and that's ok. It means I have more work to do on being still and know that I AM.
It IS frustrating, it is earth shaking and it SUCKS very much so .. the best part is it does get better, and you will get better .. hey .. sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly .. I'm a slow learner and a fast forgetter so keep coming back. It's a great topic to bring up by the way.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
