My Mom died when I was 11 months old - death certificates indicates cause of death was tubercular meningitis.  My father moved back home with his mom and she basically raised us while enabling my Dad's alcoholism & abuse of my sis & I.

My Mom's family harbored a deep hatred for my Dad because of the physical abuse she endured at his hand and there was little contact with them throughout my childhood.  Feelings of abandonment filled my soul.  When we did have contact with them, they were very careful to not bash my Dad - they were respectful enough to know that there were some things that ya just don't dump on the kids.

I remember once one of my Mom's relatives let it slip that my Mom died with bruises all over her body and that gave some me some understanding of their total detachment and more understanding and acceptance came with my travels thru AA & Al-anon but the pain in the heart remained because they had 1st hand knowledge of my Dad's abusive nature but did nothing to rescue us.  I've always felt some degree of resentment but mostly abandonment & worthlessness.

When my Mom's father died forty yrs ago, my Sis & I went to the funeral and my Uncle R(Mom's baby brother) stated that the family did not want to see us because we reminded them too much of our Dad and the torment their beloved sister experienced.  That statement landed like a knife in the heart.  From years of conditioning being the daughther of the town drunk, I hung my head in shame, went away and never tried to make contact with any of Mom's family again.

Fast forward 40+years.  A knock on the door came yesterday - a lady identified herself as my cousin, Uncle R's daughter.  She shared with me that Uncle R has been wanting to reunite with us for several years but was unable to find us.  This cousin, thru yrs of geneology work finally found me and has invited me to a surprise family reunification dinner being planned for Uncle R.  Of course, I sobbed like a baby - My mind tells me that Uncle R has some amends he needs to make but my heart is fearful of more rejection.  I have made countless amends to people I have harmed but I've never experienced being on the receiving end.  I accepted the invitation but mind, body and spirit are caught up in a whirlpool. 

Now for the kicker:  This cousin told me that Mom's death was a direct result of Dad's last beating of her - she was hospitalized shortly after a severe beating where Dad dragged her down flights of stairs by her hair.  Of course, the subject of my Dad's abuse of my Mom was taboo within his side of the family.   Many times, I've tried to find a true definition of tubercular meningitis - even asked some doctors and they didn't have a clue.  This morning I googled it again and low & behold there it is. "Recent skull trauma allows nasal cavity bacteria to enter the meningeal space......carry an increased risk of meningitis...The most common cause of recurrent meningitis is a skull fracture, particularly fractures that affect the base of the skull".  I can't get that visual out of my mind - layed awake all nite doing an instant replay of my Mom's horrible & terrifying experience.

The tears keep flowing and the heart is palpitating. I'm holding tightly to the cousin's statement that it's time for some healing.  My expectations are so high - 60+ yrs of wanting to be accepted & loved but fear of further rejection is so overwhelming that I'm fantasizing about moving & changing my phone number - I want to crawl back into the shadows.  My husband held me last nite while I rambled and cried and he even cried with me --  in over 40ys of marriage, he has cried only when he's been touched spiritually.  He counseled me that ''it's all in God's time and I should accept the gift with an open mind & heart"

Any ESH on how to find a balance between my expectations and my fears will be greatly appreciated.