The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am afraid of imtimacy. It is like I want people to be close and then I push them away. It even affects my sex life with my husband at times (not always) - I am afraid to be so intimate that we are "one" you know? I think it is because of how I was raised. I was also sexually abused as a child and also as a teenager with abusive relationships. My husband is so kind and loving and he is in AA and works his program faithfully...he said he will walk through this with me as long as it takes. I also tend to zoom in on anything about someone that I can find wrong with them- I stay stuck in my head and mind and analyze everything - I think I do that to keep myself safe? so I don't have to feel the inner pain I carry? Does anyone here seem to push your closest loved ones away because you are afraid of intimacy? I wonder if I get stuck in a child part and it is actully the scared little girl in me. I do this with friends who I think I am getting too close with. I will almost try and sabatgoe the friendship so that I can stay safe. Has anyone found a way around this or even felt this? I feel so alone in this. Thanks for being here.
I keep myself distant from most people because I won't expose myself to possible ridicule - I grew up with a lot of ridicule and shaming, wet my bed until I was almost 11 years old and my siblings were allowed to make fun of me and my mother shamed me constantly about it; one sis in particular would tell me that if I made any friends she would tell them I wet my bed; and, they would all circle around me taunting "mad lady mad lady, pee the bed, mad lady". Thank goodness I grew up! But I DO keep a certain part of me closed off from most of the people I know. I consider it self-protection; if anyone tried to make fun of me for being a bed-wetter as a child, I would just shake my head and tell them to grow up. And, I had to do a lot of healing work to put it in its proper perspective and stop it from hurting me anymore. I hold no grudges because I was able to see that they were just doing what kids do and mom was just dealing with the stresses of life the way her mom dealt with them. Ditto my dad.
I think I would really love to have a deep meaningful intimate relationship with someone with whom I could entrust my darkest secrets; movie scenes of lovers exchanging ideas and dreams and fears while laying together tug at my heart. Maybe he's out there. I have hope.
Facing the demons is the only way I was able to put them in their place, I read a lot of self-help books and spoke the demon's name out loud, ha, that was immensely liberating - first time I spoke my deepest shame as an adult to another adult it took the shame's power away.
I envy you the support you have with your husband, I think there is great value in sharing intimacy building exercises and would love to find my own someone to walk through them with!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Aloha Hope and I couldn't have put your/my story in more clearer terms. That is me and I have always looked for feedback like we got from likemyheart to help me overcome the behavior of pushing others away. What I found was of course the subject was fear. I felt fear and behaved fearfully in ways that use to confuse my friends. They use to see me as fearless and then that was such as superior act. I traded showing fear for showing agression which was only one of by best ways to keep people away from me....scare them and they leave or don't come close. The program has been and is very very healing for me. For one the fellowship is very inviting and loving and over time I learned and came to understand that it was genuine and that allowed me to practice trusting. At first I trusted just a person or two and then with practice more and more people were allowed into my circle. Good and trusting and loving sponsorship really took the walls down as I learned how to broach my own boundaries to go get what they had that I needed. One of the best yet simplest tools of understanding which was given to me was the anagram of F E A R. F(alse) E(vidence) A(ppearing) R(eal). I learned that all the voices and stories in my head were a product of my own scared thinking and because they were just spontaneous thoughts created out of the air without E(vidence) they were not R(eal). I learned how to release them and to let them go and "act as if" they didn't exists. Over time I learned to investigate more honestly and clearly and I changed my behavior from one of repelling others away to one of intiving others into my space. My wife often tells me "you are so inviting that so many people; strangers feel unthreatened and comfortable with stopping to speak with you. Even they are not afraid anymore.
I learned the habit of pushing others away also from my family; my alcoholic family which was abusive and punishing and more. Fear is an emotion...by itself it has no power unless we give it the power...tell it that it is real without investigation. Feelings are not facts...relax and investigate...look the situations over and make little changes and then investigate again and then more changes. In the end there must always be "self" acceptance..."self" love because most often the use of pushing others away and fear has its roots in "self" protection and that is one of my responsibilities. If it's not working...change it doesn't mean if it's not working get rid of it...in recovery we often learn that the best of changes have been minor with great results. Keep coming back
