The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Recently, over the last few months I have been learning and growing through my meetings, reading and this forum. I am a work in progress and I have a long way to go but there is one thing that I have learned and I would like to share it. I hope I don't offend anyone and my purpose is to 'help' if I can.
During the 20 odd years living with my ex ah I got totally caught up in the madness of trying to survive my unhealthy home situation, all the while getting sicker and sicker. Denial getting deeper and accepting any behaviour and finding a way to justify it, not only bad behaviour from him but also me.
I feel that now my eyes are opening and I have gained strength to see the truth I have realised that my 3 children have been deeply affected by this disease. Some people may be thinking this is obvious but I have never really truly faced this before. I listen to my 22 yr old daughter and I can hear resentment in her voice, she has picked up on some of these character defects that come with alcoholism. She feels unloved by her Father and her instincts tell her to take care of him and he would let her. Thanks to my program I have been able to gently (I hope) show her how this is not the way to go. She struggles to get close to people and she can be bitter at times.
My eldest son is a problem drinker now and is so like his Father, he has many isms. He has ended up with a criminal record and he is a deeply unhappy. He is difficult to live with and can be aggressive and destructive. My youngest,15 who I am ashamed to say became my rock from about the age of 10, is also showing signs, to be honest he always has, of been affected, he feels abandoned by his Father and resentful that I left but he is the child I have most hope for. He is full of empathy and is a caring boy. I may be deluded on this one though. However, he is still growing and he now has a more mature, calm Mother in his life so maybe some of the damage can be reversed.
Anyway, my eldest son who modelled himself on his Father from birth as children do, is my biggest worry, (I am learning worry is a selfish and negative emotion) he is damaged and we have a very damaged relationship. He has been the brunt of not only his Father's disease but my codependent, enabling tendencies. This has meant he has struggled through his teenage years. I am currently learning to detach with love which is helping.
I could go on and on but I just wanted to say that young people starting out with their families may be looking for some experience and be ready to accept the fact that there are certain risks with living with an alcoholic partner. In Alanon we learn 'first things first' and I take that to mean the children.
I know of some old timers who got the program early enough to minimise the damage to their children and they have grown up healthy even in an alcoholic home but this was unfortunately not my story. I just wanted to throw this topic out there. Thanks for reading.x
The pain I know my children lived with due to the emotional abuse and drinking of their stepfather is my one regret. I chose to be in a relationship with him and allowed the hurt to happen to me. My children did not choose it, I chose it for them. As a mother it is hard to live with the fact that I allowed another human being to hurt my kids and I did not stop it. They are my priority and they are my responsibility. While I did stand up for them and tried very hard to minimize the impact to them, we all know the truth is they were hurt during it all. I know that I needed to do more for them and I wish I had. I can't redo it but I can continue to love my kids and show them how I should have been living my life all along. I would be foolish to think this will have no effect on their lives but I can be hopeful that if I model the right behaviors now, I can help them to learn a healthy way to live.
As they say alcoholism is a FAMILY disease. As my mind became calmer due to al anon and my denial was removed I too began to see the effects on my children.
This disease is to blame no one intentially wants to hurt their kids, once the denial is removed then we have to make amends not just by saying sorry but through action.
When I first started to see the damage to my kids I was devastated and wanted my denial back. I spoke to my sponsor and she told me when I started recover I began to make amends , every meeting, every time I read, ever new behaviour I am making amends. I have made mistakes none were intentional, but it is my responsibility now I can see to make amends. I am soon starting steps 8 & 9 I can not wait to sit down with each of my children, but i am already making amends through action. I am a better mum today thanks to al anon and all of you.
working the steps helps to clear away the mess that alcoholism has left.
Thank you for sharing this. It is a heart wrenching topic. Wondering how things affect the kids, how could I have done things different. Did I do enough to protect them?
I have such a jumble of feelings about how I managed my motherhood that I don't even know what to say. Mostly I recall that I was a challenged mom, I always felt ill equipped, overwhelmed, stranded in a city far from family and few friends.
I will think of your post today. I will think about how to find a program like you have.
This is a subject that troubles me the most today. My AH wasn't even a drinker until my son was 13 but he was verbally abusive and got crazy mad at times. He was sullen and depressed often, he lashed out or gave us the silent treatment on and off for years. I had a sinking feeling in my gut when our son was 2 and AH went off on him, threw him over his shoulder, and then AH shut down for 3 days after that. Of course, instead of living AH to his own depression I did my codependent thing and worked hard to pull him out of the doldrums. It's been our pattern all our married life, and I sacrificed myself in the process. I was so wound up in trying to help AH control his behaviors or picking up the pieces from the fallout of his outbursts and actions, that I never thought about how to protect myself or my son.
Now, I know better. I know our son will be damaged by how he was raised. I'm glad that his personality is more like mine than it is like AH's, though. He is a tender child, loves people and animals, has a love for God and good Christian friends who will pray for him, etc. Yet, I know our relationship here in the home is triangulated. AH will tell son things like, "Don't tell your mother, " and son tells me of course. Son then says, "Don't get mad, mom." Anyway, I know it's unhealthy, and I'm working hard to figure it out so that I can talk to our son about his future and hopefully help him shape a new perspective and worldview that is positive, despite his past. I am working with my therapist about how to talk to our son without getting him in the middle and keeping him informed but not put between his parents, if that makes sense. Basically, I'm working on appropriateness of what I say, how I say it, and how much I divulge. I have always been a bit on the wordy side and reveal too much, even to our son. It's not that I purposely want to bring him in on a subject, it's just that I struggle to shut my mouth or I don't know where to stop and draw the line based on the audience. I've always struggled with this boundary, ever since I was a kid.
Thank you for starting this post, it's something that's been on my mind a lot these days.
Hi El Cee I know where youre coming from. Its the one thing I find difficult to come to terms with, that MY actions and weaknesses are now my KIDS consequences. I too have 3. My eldest has many of his Dads flaws. He is obsessive, full of ego and imaginative with the truth. My second son has a different set of his Dads flaws. He can drink too much. He loves to party and has some major anxieties over responsibilities. My daughter is untrusting, and finds relationships hard. Talk about taking my AHs inventory LOL. I just have to look at any negative traits in my kids. I can scare myself silly wondering about the what ifs All 3 are individuals. My fear can look at them and see what I fear in my AH....the alcoholic demons....but they also have my influence. The alanon dis-ease yes...the lack of trust....the acceptance of unacceptable behaviour, but also some of my strengths...and some of their Dads strengths. (yes even alcoholics have strengths). They have their own life journey to follow. My eldest left the family when things were at their worst. He's ok with us all now. My middle son is travelling as we speak and finding out who he is his own way. My daughter would love to travel, but has caught herself up with someone with all the addictive ISM's....and a gorgeous little boy. We can't change the past. We can't change who we are or who they are. If they have that addictive gene, they have to find their own way into recovery the same as anyone else. In many ways they are more fortunate than most because they know how to access the help they need, simply because we are in recovery. I must admit I've never met an alcoholic in recovery who isn't a wonderful person ! I am damaged by my family and my parents choices.....and they are not alcoholic.... (they're Catholic LOL amazing the similarities in behaviour). I visited my brothers family for a month last year and saw THAT damage being passed on to another generation. Its hard to see. Even if our kids had other fathers they would still have issues....Thats life unfortunately. I dont think there is anyone out there who couldnt do with the program. Our kids have their own HP and when issues do show themselves, they have the choice to listen to Him/Her. I have my own guilt to deal with but that is why Im in recovery.I dont want it to be another damage I land my kids with. I believe a change in attitude aids everyones recovery.so Im working on that. x
Thanks for your feedback everyone. It seems to me that we all have common traits that are common to all mothers and I really like that our kids maybe in an even better position than others as they know about aa and alanon.x
I carry similar worries and guilt with me. My AH doesn't spend barely any time with my four children. He comes home from work (used to be the bar. Thanking God for over 4 months of sobriety.) and just retreats to our bedroom to watch tv all night. Some days he barely says hello to the kids. The only interaction he has with my 15 yr old daughter is what she calls his sermons (him giving long winded talks about how she needs to step up, do her chores, and get better grades in school.) This used to just piss me off! Is a nice happy family too much to ask for?!!!
But now I've accepted that's the way he's going to be and my kids are used to it. In fact they've told me on more than one occasion that they are happy it's just me and them doing stuff together. They said that its always so tense when ever their step father joins in. They know he's an alcoholic and knows what alcohol does to him (even the 6 yr old). And it's fascinating to hear my older kids giving me Alanon advice of let it go even though they've never been to a meeting!
I double my efforts to be a good parent to my children. I'm thankful my children are growing up with their eyes wide open. I pray and hope that they continue to make good choices and that I'm doing enough to help them grow into good responsible adults.
And I'm also thankful that my AH is the type of man that just ignores them because I know it could be so much worse.
El-cee, Your post really resonated with me...I worry that my kids are going to grow up deeply affected by AH and the chaos that has defined our family, and I see it already in both my children. I feel this urgency to leave him, and yet I see how my son tries to tell me that "dad" is ok and that he is willing to love and accept him back immediately, even after he hurts him (see my most recent post about how AH threatened him recently). I don't know what the next step is for us, but I hope it will become clearer. I am finding it easier and easier to imagine a life without AH, but I find that I grieve for my children, because they are so quick to forgive him but they are the most likely to pick up the addiction pattern from him if something drastic doesn't change.
