The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Stop the roller coaster. I want to get off! Up until September of this year, my AH was extremely functional. Up until then, I wouldn't have thought he was an A. Now I know better. Just before Thanksgiving, he admitted to me that he couldn't stop drinking. He asked me to help him find help. We found a treatment center, and he checked himself in. He stayed five days (long enough to detox). Stayed sober for 4 days. Then he just drank all day and all night. He couldn't go more than two hours without a drink. Mid Dec he checked himself into another treatment center. He went through a 28 day program. He did everything they told him to. Myself and our adult children participated in the family program at the facility. I began going to f2f al anon meetings. We were all so hopeful. 2 weeks, he was drinking again. Worse than he was before he went into treatment. This past weekend I took him to the emergency room (at his request). I sat with him all day while he became "clinically sober" so he could make a decision on what he wanted to do. He checked himself into a dual facility. He detoxed and met with a phychiatirst and is being released tomorrow. I don't know what the plan is to stay sober. If he is going to come back home, I need to know what the plan is.
Is it wrong for me to insist on him telling me daily how he plans to spend the following day? He is retired.
The trouble is SaRw, I know we are affected by their behaviour and it can be very painful to watch and hurtful to endure..... but it really is none of our business whether our loved ones drink or how they plan to spend the following day. They are ill And their illness is made worse the more we care. We didn't cause it We can't cure it and we can't control it
All we can do is detach and begin to look after our own needs. We don't HAVE to be on a roller coaster. Its our choice x
I know that sounds harsh
This is where the serenity prayer really helps
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change
We can't change our A's drinking of behaviour. We have to accept it as it is....and look at our choices for this day only
Courage to change the things I can
I can only change my own attitides and reactions to what is going on around me.....and look at my choices for this day only
And the wisdom to know the difference
Do I know what really is MY responsibiity and what belongs to other people.
Its really hard to let go of our own attempts to control and manage the situation we are in....... After all we can SEE what needs to be done.....and WE are the ones holding it all together.
And there is OUR illness. We try and try to get it all sorted. We spend a lot of time and energy trying to force solutions.... But it doesn't get any better...... OUR part in our A's recovery is a fantasy. They have to find their OWN way into the rooms of AA. Everytime we catch them and stop them falling....they don't reach their rock bottom.
You say ...stop the roller coaster...you want to get off.... So step off....and let go x
Theres a leaflet given out in f2f meetings called the merry go round called denial. It basically says just that. Stop playing their game and start living your own life.
That doesn't mean leave.....or stop loving...... Far from it. Alcoholism is a progressive illness and it needs to progress until the alcoholic has HIS/HER spiritual awakening.....and there is the miracle (when it happens)
I tried for YEARS to 'encourage' my AH to be in recovery. It made no difference at all.
Wonderful share, f2fmember. A gentle reminder of the first step. We admitted we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable. That word 'unmanageable' really rings true for me. It's hard enough for me to change my codependent ways, I can only pray that someday my AH finds a recovery path.
I understand your frustration about being on the merry go round or the roller coaster or whatever you want to call it. Many times, even recently, I've found myself caught up in the insanity. I constantly have to go back to step 1. There are days when I honestly think I need to separate physically from AH, mainly because he is such a distraction to my own recovery. I feel pulled back in by his junk every day. And, that's OK too. Whatever we choose to do in our recoveries is our own path that our Higher Power has set before us. I had to learn(and am still learning) that it's OK to sit on the fence, that it's OK to take action, or that it's OK to take a day to do nothing related to recovery or alcoholism at all, LOL! It's your life, what do YOU WANT? You can step off that roller coaster anytime, it's all our own choices that put us where we are today whether we like it or not. Keep coming back and thanks for starting this topic!
I reflected on these replies all night. Thank you both. I know that he has to find his own way but I am deffinately having a hard time drawing the distinction between support and control. Maybe there isn't a distinction. Serenity and I have not yet found each other. Right now I just want to walk away from the situation and not deal with it at all, but I know that isn't the answer. Coming here and going to f2f meetings, listening to those who have been working the program, it gives me hope that I will get there some day. (After re-reading this before posting, I realize how far I am from getting it! "Some day?" What about today? I still don't know what to do about today.)
I'm not sure if al anon is all that I need to understand how I got here and how I move on. I think I am in need of a therapist or pyscologist to talk to one on one. ((()))
SaRw - I am sensing you are just feeling a lot of uncertainty and that is for good reason. I do think that Alanon has the answers for you but those answers wont come on your time line. They are spiritual revelations that will occur to you in time. If he comes home and is a total drunk again...well, you will pray, muster your resources and cope. If he goes to rehab, you will cope also. Ultimately, you will be okay so you don't need to obsess on what he will do.
I suspect you are more focused on the anxiety of "What will I do if...?" That is focusing on you but all you can really do to prepare for the future is pray for clarity and strength from your HP. It doesn't pay to plan for catastrophe. It does help to be realistic. Your husband has relapsed a few times and seems clinically depressed. That's not going to get fixed overnight no matter what. Do what you need to do for you.
When I first experienced the drama of the " alcoholism " that invaded my home I was filled with confusion, fear, anxiety and anger. The ER visits, detoxs, 28 day programs and alcohol counselors all stressed that alcoholism was a progressive disease that, if not arrested ended in death, institutions, or jail .
The alcoholic, I was told was solely responsible for seeking treatment and following up on the same .
The family, having been affected , needed a treatment program of their own so as to recover their lives and learn how to refocus their efforts in taking care of themselves, their own needs and happiness.
Alanon was that program for me. It was established by the wife of the founder of AA when she discovered her anger, resentment and fear after he became sober. She found that due to his alcoholism she had abandoned her needs and self in order to try to manage his illness. She learned how to React and forgot how to Act or respond in her own best interest. The face to face meetings, sponsors, the slogans and the steps are all available to help us learn a new way of responding to life.
Since we are powerless over people , places or things trying to force another adult to account for their time etc, puts us in an unmanageable position and is destructive to any relationship. I have found the alanon program to be most liberating and filled with compassion I discovered that I could not give love and compassion to anyone until I had it for myself. With is goal in mind the program began to make sense
I urge you to continue to seek help and keep coming here as well It works
My partner has been to rehab a couple of times and has slipped, he can not stay sober without Aa and Hp.
Hopefully once sober your husband will become a Aa member to learn how to fight this disease, but that is his journey.
I go to three al anon meetings a week, I learn about alcoholism and what it has done to me and my family. I read al anon literature, I come on here, I go to conventiona and listen to shares from people who have been in Al non and Aa for years. Today I ahve educated myself about what illness my partner is suffering from , I would if he had any other illness.
Al anon is my medicine that protects me, if I do not take it I become as sick as him. Your partner has aleast said he has a problem and is seeeking help, hopefully is Hp will lead him to Aa, and your Hp will get you to al anon hugs tracy xx
