The material presented
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I want to trust my AH again but fear I am hoping for something impossible. I have this idea in my mind, a fantasy maybe, of having a husband that goes out with the guys and comes home at a decent time, who contributes money to the relationship rather than spend everything he makes plus what I make ... someone who I can take at his word rather than assuming that he is lying most of the time. Is this a fantasy or is it a possibility?
I think it is a possibility but? I would have to say from experience the wanting, has to come from the actaul person not someone else, I used to project a life less troubled if my husband would do this or that, when he began to change when he stopped drinking somethings got better some things got worse some things were swopped for other things, and I was still left reeling because I thought it was all on him, it wasn't, now I often stop and ask myself what do I need against what do I want?, my marriage became a complete and utter battle of wills, mainly, when WILL he do it my way, I know what your saying though and how that feels, to not feel like we are in an equal loving caring and sharing partnership, the thing that has helped me, is to realise when I focuss all my attention on someone else and what thier not doing I lose myself, I am still in the process of deciding what I want from my relationship against what I need and what I am not getting, just my esh take waht you like and leave the rest.
hi there, good question! which I asked myself already several times. along with that question came the question: is it trust, or is it expectation in order to be in control? Many times I discovered, in my own case, that when I said 'i want to trust', i actually meant ' i want to be in charge, to control'.... yes that was a huge enlightenment in honesty. So I look for the true definition of TRUST. Noun: Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. Verb: Believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of. Synonyms noun. confidence - faith - credit - reliance - belief verb. believe - confide - rely - credit - hope - entrust
belief in the reliability of someone AND hope. This means, i have to let go of the urge to impose MY ways of dealing with a situation in somebody else's life. Letting go of MY idea or 'fantasy', like you put it, of somebody else, and his behavior. I find I nee to see reality, the truth, and then have a realistic view on things. That means, lower my expectations, if not eradicating them totally. I call them hopes now, and i defined my needs, so I know where I can take care of myself, and where I need others so that those needs can be met. And for that I choose the right people, those who have the capacity of doing that. And I ask for it ,and I speak up about my needs and fears also, so the person in front of me knows what he or she can do. A lot of openess and honesty is required. It is a new skill for me to learn, and honestly I have to start with myself first, because it hasn't always been the case in the past. so that keeps me busy right now, learning to trust myself, before I can go out and trust in anybody else. and then I found and still find, when I trust in this honest way, well people tend to surprise me. because they are also connected, and feel that they have their responsibilities and values. The more I stick to mine, the more others stick to theirs, and everybody is better off. keep it real and stay true to yourself. it can be contagious.
What Mattie has shared resonates with me as well as long as they are drinking, drugging or in an altered state of mind .. no .. they do not deserve trust. Trust is earned it is not a given right, they only do what addicts do when they are still in active mode.
Reliable men are not fantasies as least I hope not.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It's natural to fantasize, but practically speaking it's better to devote building trust to yourself. Build your strength and supply your needs with out expecting anything from your A, who will likely not deliver. I use detachment when I have to so I can get over the extreme outbursts, and inevitable drama. Try to maintain a firm unshakable calm, relaxed demeanor and just do whatever can be figured out is best for all parties from moment to moment. We don't know what is best all the time but we should at least intend the best. Resting is easier that way I find.
With that said I too have a little dream, a little candle of hope: I heard that love heals. I heard that it dissolves anger and hate. I heard that we have to "be the change we wish to see"- Gandi. I cling to what Randy Pausch said, Find the best in everybody. Wait long enough, and people will surprise and impress you. It might even take years, but people will show you their good side."
It is a matter of faith to look at those bright concepts and think it may be and strive that way, seek to mesh with it even though nothing in our surrounding looks that way. We go for it anyway, especially when it's all we got left.
Personally - I wouldn't give much trust to an alcoholic/addict until I saw them sober for at LEAST a solid year and attending meetings, calling a sponsor, and WORKING to be a different person. Prior to that, it is kind of like a fantasy cuz he will not just presto chango into a nonalcoholic.
Up and until I saw the massive work that goes into recovering from drug and/or alcohol abuse, I'd "trust" that they will do what alcoholics and addicts do....which is drink, act irresponsibly, and be in denial.
I don't mean to laugh here but I read amyclaire's post about hiding her money. I have hid money, too, so that I can save up in case I need to make an emergency exit. I have hid money in my feminine hygiene packaging and in the Swiffer box of wipes. I pretty much can guarantee he won't find them there!
As to the original theme of this thread: I still struggle with trust. My AH will be doing well for a while. He's a binge drinker so I get the illusion that all is well and them WHAM! he's had an episode of drunken behavior and making stupid decisions. So, I've learned that it's going to take a LONG time of consistent behaviors on his part for me to trust him again, if ever. One thing I've learned through working my program is that we all can be untrustworthy at times. I know I've told many a white lie in my time and felt this remorseful feeling knowing full well that I shouldn't have said it. I am really working on remembering that we're all human and that maybe I'm putting too much trust in another human being to begin with. I am really working on learning to trust in my Higher Power and learning to trust myself, as well. I practice listening to my intuition on a daily basis, asking myself what I need and how I can accomplish that without needing it from someone else. My HP can supply all that I need and more so really it's become a spiritual walk for me as I learn to trust in different ways and take the focus off of my AH.
Good post ILD - Much of the time our "trust" issues are really misdirected. We don't trust ourselves and don't trust our HP to meet our needs. That is critical.
Yes, it is possible. I've seen it -- but only once. My uncle got sober in his mid-30s and stayed that way till he died in his 80s. He & my Aunt built a million dollar company, owned houses that were to die for, raised three daughters. They traveled the world and had the most wonderful marriage anyone could hope for. I don't know how my Aunt dealt with rebuilding her trust in him or how long it took but it did happen.
It all comes down to what the A wants for himself and what he's willing to do to achieve it.
Something I had to learn and accept and realize is that we cannot trust someone else until we trust ourselves - to have good boundaries, to make good decisions of our own and to focus on ourselves instead of someone else.
Because what I ultimately learned with my exABF (rip) was that I trusted myself to know that I could trust him to be who he was. That meant I accepted that he was having relapses, that alcohol made him lie like a rug, that he meant his sober words of "I'm going to do everything I have to" even though he failed to follow through.
I was not expecting him to change and be someone else. I knew his issues and struggles and so I was not constantly let down. When he relapsed I used that time to strengthen and refine my boundaries, set them, stick to them and enforce them and then go on about my life until he sobered up again.
And ultimately I trusted myself to know when I was done, and I did back in October and it was sad and unfortunate. But had I expected him to not drink again, had I expected him to tell the truth drunk - I'd have trust issues with him for sure. That's just how I've learned to see things.
We teach people how to treat us. Trust is something that takes a long time to build back up after someone has betrayed you. You have learned to not trust him. If he continues to teach you that he is worthy of your trust, it will come back. It's gradual and that's probably a good thing, because it needs to be. A lot of halfway houses & such have "accountability partners" that they have to let know everything that goes on, because having someone who cares enough to ask & make sure that everything is in line with recovery prevents a lot of relapses. But at the same time, being to overbearing can cause unnecessary stress on you both.
