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I am still trying to find a meeting that will fit into my schedule but I could really use some help now. I am an aa member ( actually celebrating my 6 year anniversary today!). I recently went backt to the west coast to visit my parents. My father is an alcoholic. I stayed in a hotel because of his drinking. I knew it would be difficult. I was shocked to see how far his disease has progressed. He drinks from morning til night.He is very mean and negative. My mother is a classic enabler. I went into this trip thinking that I had reached a level of acceptance as I have been trying very hard to work my program well and hand it over to my higher power. Now I am not so sure. I removed myself from a situation where he became verbally abusive ("jokingly" asking me to come over so he could slap me around) and did not retaliate or engage him when he made hurtful comments. However, I did try to talk to my mom about the situation and was shocked by her response. I told her I knew I could not change him but I wanted to talk to her about how sad it made me feel. I truly feel that was the last time I will see my father alive as he chain smokes all day too. She was so defensive and angry and absolutely would not acknowledge my feeling or talk to me about how she feels about it. She did say one thing that was true-that I should go to al anon. But she said this froma n angry place-she says that she understands al anon and its priniciples. She has been to one meeting. She goes to the store and buys my dad's liquor three times a week. She acts as a human punching bag for his verbal abuse. I respected her wishes that we not talk about it ( or as she said "if youre gonna turn your trip here into some god damn pschycological session then you should just fly back home"). I did not point out any of the things that I just mentions above about her codependent behavior. I knew that would not be helpful. I know now that I have resentments, which means that I do not have acceptance. I have been praying daily over it and working with my sponsor. I guess what I am looking for is some feedback from somebody in the al anon program who might have some feedback from the al anon perspective. Something to help tide me over, or some direction or literature, until I can get rolling on a meeting schedule. And getting a sponsor in the al anon program. I feel like this was a God trip and a big can of worms was opened. A lot of garbage from my past with my family. I want to deal with it. Thanks in advance for any input anyone may have.
I am so sorry that you are hurting. It sounds like you made a good step in trying to face the situation head-on. I understand your concerns for both your Mom and your Dad. You are doing the right thing by taking a step to understand your life from a different perspective. There is so much help here on this board, and F2F meetings are really special too. They also have on-line meetings here that are helpful. I'm praying for your venture. You're going in the right direction.
Sounds like you did very well. You didn't react to either parent. It's so hard to watch the people we love living unhealthy and unhappy lives. We can't control anyone but ourselves. Maybe the best we can do is show unconditional love. My interpretation of this is, we accept our family members for who they are. We respect their choices, even if we don't agree with them. We make an effort to not judge remembering were not always right. I offer courtesy and kindness as much as I can. I try to keep hands off the things that don't belong to me. Dive into the alanon program.x
Welcome to the board. I do hope you can manage to get to some face-to-face Al-Anon meetings soon. If you're a member of AA, I'm sure you can attest to how powerful those face-to-face meetings can be.
You are right in that Al-Anon could be helpful for you. Al-Anon is for friends and families of problem drinkers, and if your father's a drinker and your parents' behavior bothers you, then Al-Anon can certainly help.
Some suggested literature:
How Al-Anon Works One Day at a Time in Al-Anon Hope for Today Courage to Change
When you get to your first meeting, see if they have a newcomer's packet, too. It'll hold a lot of very helpful pamphlets that you can read through, as well, while you're between meetings.
The pamphlets are great, I don't have the direct link .. the merry go round called denial is a great read with a LOT of information in it. The Just for Today book mark and it's funny that one is making its rounds through the open AA meetings I attend.
I hope you will consider going to an alanon meeting if nothing else to find out about the other side of the coin. AA and Alanon are both twelve step programs that offer very different relief and validation.
Most people don't like being picked apart and analyzed especially when they don't think there is an issue. I'm sure you meant well as far as your mom went however I bet and I can relate there is nothing like having someone point out the obvious and I know I feel very defensive. I just got done having this very conversation with a good friend of mine who said that my daughter was damanaged and her father hates her. It was very strong words and then she wants to know why I am defensive .. ummm .. let's see. There are a million things that could have been said a different way .. what she decided to do was probably not the best tactic in opening up a discussion.
Your mom has done the best she can with the tools or lack of tools she has going on. She survived and her pain is her pain and it's hers to deal with if she ever chooses to be ready for it. It's not easy to hear that our kids especially are in pain of any kind. We might have played a part in it you also broke the unwritten code by talking about things that are not suppose to be discussed. It's the pink elephant and while the trunk swings no one wants to say .. hey .. wait .. you there .. you know the pink elephant why are you here? I just know how I felt today when my g/f pointed this crazy stuff out and yes while my daughter has not had an easy childhood, her father doesn't hate her .. he hates himself .. I don't believe he hates her. That was a pretty outrageous thing for her to say .. think it .. fine .. however putting that out there really?
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
CONGRATS TO 6 YRS SOBER I Just Pasted Up 2yrs myself :)
WELCOME to Our Family! Glad your Here, Really... I Started In Al-Anon after I Lost my Afather to alcohol 4 years ago! I Came in Angry, Hating life, Myself, and Pretty Much anyone that felt the Need to give me Input on thier Life or Mine!
MIP was the First Place I Found before my first F2F Meeting & the Love & Sharing they gave to me was like Nothing I ever knew Growing up in an alcoholic home! Sadly, I Always Knew I was an Alcoholic, I had all the signs, blackouts, loose days, crash cars, lose jobs, you name it... But We All have are Reasons or at least thats what I Believed at the time...
I am the Opposite of your Recovery :) I Haven't went to AA, But I Got Sober in Al-Anon ;)
I'm Sorry your Trip home was so tough... Really Opens our Eyes when we are in the face of it, and its personal... I still struggle when it comes to my Abrother, he looks so wore & ragid most of the time, the once very handsome boy, turned old at 33! I Find alot in common with your story, my mom did leave my afather, but only long enough to find another alcoholic... that she could enable, and caddle his addition along with my baby brothers... My Mom too sits in Denial in her Part in alot of it when it comes to thier addictions.. I grew tired of trying to have her see the "Sense" in what she was doing to them, its saddens me but I have to allow her to be Her! Regardless of how it makes me feel to watch! I Give advice only when ask for, and then I tread slowly and change the subject...
No One in my Family was Happy for me when i got sober, they all seems to feel like i Let them Down.. I Come from a VERY Long Line of Alcoholics, and NoNe Of them are Looking for or even close to wanting Recovery! My Oldest Sister has slowed some at least in my presents, so I guess thats HOPE... I don't tell them not to drink around me tho, its my addiction and I Control Me.. I just don't have to be in the middle of it or the drama that it brings, I've learned to walk out of the room when I Feel like it, not when they feel its ok!
Glad you took care of you in the evennings and removed yourself from it... I think you did very well.. My Biggest Piece of Advise (Which I'm not to give:) would have to be.... ~KEEP COMING BACK~ You'll be glad you did, and yes... F2F Meetings are Amazing, Alot of Ours are held the same time & Place as our AA Meetings, just differant rooms ;) GOOD LUCK In your Search :)
To Annie, El-cee, Aloha,Pushka and Jozie (hope I didnt miss anyone!)
You guys are amazing. I need to hear the stuff you guys have learned. even the things that sound tough. It helps me to look at things from a different angle. I am hearing a lot of "love, dont judge, set boundaries". This is indeed a great start. I will let you guys know when I go to my first meeti.g. Thanks for he reading recommendations.
