So sick of people - Al-Anon Family Group

abbyalana · Senior Member

So sick of people

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Abby...that sounds like full blown heavily garnished resentment huh? Don't knock yourself down over it because it is one of the natural and normal emotional by-products of alcoholism. It doesn't sound like you like it either and that was where I was at the same time in recovery. I am grateful beyond all get out that the program and the fellowship brought me to learning about and practicing the "opposites". I was told that if I didn't like feeling resentments (mildly put) I could learn how to do the opposite of it and feel the opposite which was serenity and peace of mind and spirit. The opposite of resentments I was taught is acceptance...not the morality of what I resented and just the fact of it. I didn't cause it, couldn't control it and would not cure it and I could accept the fact of it. It happened and I was powerless over the past. She/they were continuing to act out and they didn't need or ask for my permission and blessings; I could accept that I was free to live my own life as I designed to. I learned I didn't hate people...I hated the behaviors; the disease and was powerless over them.

Are you a member of an Al-Anon home group? Do you have the literature and a sponsor? Those are tools that will really help turn this around for you. Keep coming back (((hugs))) smile

John · ~*Service Worker*~

I hated when people would tell me, "what others think or have to say about you is none of your business". Gawh, i wanted to rip their heads off! But then someone said something that rung so true and I held on to that..."What other people say about you does not define your character, but it does define theirs". I had to learn not to participate in rumor and gossip.. because I thought I wasn't the one doing it... but I learned, I participated in it, by listening to it and reacting to it. Again, I wanted to rip their heads off! What do you mean not even react to it?? They are talking about me!!

Slowly but surely, it became clear... I only have to talk about me and my life today because I have one. Or I can talk some about the life of the person sitting in front of me because they have one too! Any one who has to put energy and time talking about ME... must be pretty bored with their own world. Glad I'm not them! And super glad i am living my own life to the degree, that I don't have to talk about someone elses.

I do understand that his comings and goings the way he does, and it being so close by can rattle you. I went through my divorce in 2010 and at times it still rattles me pretty good too. But I try to remember that pain and misery that was brought into my lil ol' world and while I wouldn't wish it on any one else, I'm glad she is taking it to someone else's house and not mine any more.

John

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

You will get over it in time and your future is so bright without him. My ex ah has also taken no responsibility for our children. He has walked away but his self pity remains. I feel resentment and anger not as much now I'm almost a year down the line. During the summer anger welled up in me like I've never felt. Years of holding back in case I made him drink. Madness. I feel better now but realistically I don't think I can forgive completely but I can forgive enough to be happy with my life. He has is own pain. I'm grateful that he can no longer use me as a distraction. I think if people are telling you to get over it they are ignorant of the facts. Alanon is the place to be.x

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

First of all, do not say anything to anyone in response to the gossip. Do not add fuel to the fire. Yes, there are a lot of sick people in the world who could use 12 step recovery. But you Are here, you are blessed. Act like a woman in recovery. Do not respond. Meet even your closest friends comments with, "I'm not interested in gossip." PERIOD. Any further comments, just hold eye contact expressionless lay. That is maturity. Go about your business and don't hide in "shame". Did you kill anybody? I don't think so. AA's Big Book says everybody has problems in this area. Say NOTHING. Don't try to defend yourself. Follow this principle (of not gossiping and not defending yourself) and God will defend you Himself in time. You will see. You say you yanked custody from him but now you complain he isn't being a father?? You did that. Stop creating situations so you can have excuses to be madder at him. If he truly can't be available, accept that. Also, no, we do not "get over it", we work through it. People who aren't in recovery don't get that. Accept that too and keep working thru it in Alanon or AA of you have a problem with alcohol yourself. The work for you is to keep your eyes on your own paper thru all this pain and rage and find out why you are attracted to the people you are, then change those those attractions as you yourself change into a woman in the 12 steps. May God bless you and keep you until them.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

The first time I used the line "what others think of me is none of my business" in response to gossipy talk freed me from thinking I had to take it from others who didn't even know me. The person I spoke it to agreed with me and the conversation moved onto other things.

abbyalana · Senior Member

I am doing my best. Working on it at alanon and in therapy. It's just so fresh & frustrating at times! Honestly though - I m OK most days! I just find it ironic that people rile you up & gossip and then tell you to get over it. Rediculous sometimes! My weekend NOT thinking about it - date night, daughter at bday sleepover, hike in the woods and chores with NO thought of him. Only when he drove by Saturday morning - yay corner house - and even then I chuckled to myself at what he must be thinking at the other car in my driveway. So, yes - getting past it. Still moments of irritation.

I thank you wtit for ideas on responses as that may help. He is completely out of our lives, not trying to be in them so keeping gossip at bay would be helpful. The resentment I'm processing through...in time it will go away! I look forward to summer when we are put kayaking and not home as much too. Active is good!

Annie1234 · Senior Member

Abbyalana,

I know where you are. When I divorced my ex husband, we lived in a small town. Stuff was getting back to me about what he was saying about me. Fortunately, most people knew about his character, so there wasn't much getting back to me about ME. However, the questions were there. Fortunately, I was able to move away from that small town, back to my hometown. He is responsible for his behavior, and you are responsible for getting better and focusing on you and your child. My Mom always reminds me, if someone really cares about you, they will come directly to you to talk about what is happening in your life, and they will offer up encouragement and prayer. We cannot control the people who talk behind our backs. If they talk behind your back, that is where they belong...behind you.

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