The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This morning I woke up and started to think how good everything is going, how I have so much to be thankful for, how even though my husband is an alcoholic it has never been that much a horrific battle that we couldn't pull out of it. He got the DWI's before we met, so that wasn't so bad. He never had to be in rehab when we were together, so that's a plus. I made my coffee and got dressed and went to my Saturday alanon meeting that I love so much. After the steps and traditions we were asked if anyone had a pressing issue to make a topic. Someone said unnacceptable behavior, which I was totally ready to discuss...THAN, someone said happiness. (i really didn't want to do that one, unnacceptable behavior seemed so much more fitting)But, happiness we discussed. First page was read...than my turn. Courage To Change page 148. I started to read it and found myself starting to cry like a baby and I couldn't finish it. At first I felt like a complete jerk for crying in front of these people, I thought I am stronger than this don't let them see you down. Not sure if I can say this here but the sentence that made me cry was, "We weren't happy, but at least we wouldn't be let down anymore." Have I lowered my standards that much that I gave away my happiness just to avoid pain? I have...I do...this sucks, I'm not free like I thought I was...Oh boy, in an instant all my resentments, anger, dissappointment all came flooding over my body and I was a weeping mess. What the heck just happened to my ok morning and now I am im pieces again. I have let so many people in my life dictate my happiness. I keep thinking of all the things I have done to make sure my AH wasn't embarrassed, hurt, stranded...to make sure my kids weren't effected by my AH crazy behavior...it is all just so time consuming. Now I'm mad at myself and my AH for wasting so much time. The topic was suppose to be happiness....why am I sad??? I keep saying the serenity pray over and over. I am telling myself I didn't cause it, I can't cure it....it's helping a little...What a morning. This lady at the meeting winked at me to let me know it was ok...at the end she handed me her scarf she was wearing around her neck and said she wanted me to have...I held it tight on the way home, and now I am crying again. What's happening to me???
-- Edited by 1976love on Saturday 2nd of February 2013 11:34:11 AM
You can use so many alanon tools to get used to, detach, handle being around an alcoholic.........BUT, at any given time it can hit you: "Is this what I want?" and "Is this helping me to be happy in any way?" It's hard to recognize when we have been "settling" instead of reaching for better.
This program is tricky because you never know for sure if you are accepting things you can't change or if you need to have courage and move on. The wisdom to know the difference will creep up on you and then sock you in the face. Either way, it's a better way of life and while growth is painful, you have a way of dealing with things now that works. You will be okay.
**Additionally, most folks come into alanon freaking out about their qualifier's drinking. First you learn to stop freaking out. Then you have a task in front of you which is to figure out what you want to do with your life. This is not too different than what happens when an alcoholic stops drinking and then goes "now what?"
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 2nd of February 2013 01:02:46 PM
I really related to this post. For a long time, I didn't know how upset, disappointed, and heart-broken I was within some of the alcoholic-related relationships I am in. Not just in relationship with the Alcoholic (my dad), but with other family members who are affected by alcoholism and hadn't gotten help (my mom, my sister, my brother). I was working so hard not just to be strong, but also to fix relationships and situations that I wasn't aware of how much pain I was in. When I really GOT that THIS IS PAINFUL was when my partner was with me during a visit to my family and validated for me that I wasn't crazy or weak or too sensitive, that some of these dynamics truly were awful, I cried and cried for the first time for ME. For how hard and painful it was for ME. I have an amazing, sensitive, helpful therapist and talking to him and really feeling how awful I truly felt, helped me tremendously. Before my denial around my own pain broke, something painful would happen and I had all this self-talk that talked me out of feeling the pain: "Don't be a big baby," "It didn't really hurt you just think it hurt," "Wow, you're really making a big deal out of nothing," etc. All the minimizing of my own experience I did + denying my own feelings + staying busy trying to fix things made it very difficult for me to accept that I had been hurt and injured and needed care. Before, I was always kind of standing outside my own experience as an academic observer--diagnosing other people's problems, diagnosing my own problems, trying to treat things, etc. but I wasn't really getting that the experiences were happening to me, too. It wasn't until I recognized my own pain that I could start putting in better boundaries and limits to stop the pain - I saw that my part was that by not recognizing the pain, I was letting things hurt me for years without doing things to protect, honor, and nurture myself. It's a slow process, but I am getting there.
I completely understand. I can't
Speak for you but from my experience I have seen that I allowed the insanity to become "normal". DWIs, rehabs, blackouts, falls, bad behavior, etc... I allowed over time it to be acceptable somehow, because we took suffer from te disease of alcohol & it
Has allowed us to become
Mentally sick. That realization for me
Was super hard to swallow!
Be kind with yourself, be patient with yourself. It isn't uncommon for us
To continue down life's path in the midst of the chaos around us, feeling like we have it all under control... As that is what WE do. We (I) often feel like I am
Managing it all well, taking care of all te loose ends & things left undone by my A.. But reality often is we (I) have just come to except this insanity as normal & routine... But it is not! We took are sick in our own way unfortunatly, but we took can be well & whole again.
Keep making those meetings, keep coming here to share, keep
Reading your literature... You are worth all the work.
Take care & know I am praying for you as well :)
Yup...i think I echo this. Have I settled...afraid so. Am I happy....probably not. Do I desrve better...definitly. Is the normal ive accepted really a high level if dysfunction ti eeryone else....oh gee...this is tough. I know I cant change my ah, I am not ready to leave...so ive got to keep.workin
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Thank you so very much for your powerful, honest share. I too can so identify with this process. Sure I took care of everyone except my needs or happiness. I thought if I made you happy I would be happy. Wrong!! Working this program, as you are doing, pointed out the same painful truth to me as you experienced. My wonderful sponsor suggested that I had indeed HARMED myself and needed to make amends to myself. She suggested that I place myself on the top of the list of people I needed to make amends to, in Step 8 and begin from this day on to make that amend. That worked The beginning of my amends was to attend meetings, get a sponsor , work the steps pray and trust the process
I cried last night and I realised I haven't cried alot. I cried out of sadness dispair and this is because my son is an addict and I am trying to do something I have never tried before and the pain I feel in my heart is crushing, the part where someone wrote the chaos becomes our norm, it;s so hard not to think the worse when the worse is all that ever seems to happen or is that because I focus too much on the worse sometimes, my a husband is a master mind game player so I wanted my children to have the strength to leave to get away from it, I feel guilty because I am part of the problem too, alanon has taught me to look at things differently, we had a scene with our son yesterday because the key wasn't ready when he was told it would be for his flat he came home and took it out on me, when he eventually got the key it wasn't finished, the decorating was still being done and there was no heating, he took his matress and was sleeping on the floor, I wrang him because he cried when he left and said he might get lonely, he is very down and it feels like this couldn't of happened at a worse time for him but then isn't this when it's exaxtly the right time, I called him later and he said he was layed down lsitening to everyone beneath and around him drinking and shouting I could here it too, I felt scared for him, it would be so easy to say come on come home but that would be as much for my sake as his, learning that anyones happiness is theirs and theirs alone, I can be the most upbeat happy person I can cycle my problems down to size often and my total whole life is not a mess but there are parts of it I am dealing with that trouble me, Asking for help is so hard recognising I need it too is hard to learn.
I too am going through a lot of up's and downs. I don't know the reason why, or "what happened to me". What I do know is that I am a relatively good, decent, respectable person who has been hurt over and over, disappointed time after time, betrayed again and again... and sometimes, I just need to let it process out and allow myself to fall apart so something better can come together. Reality is, I want to be happy and secure in life again. Reality is I'm not. Reality is, I didn't earn this pain. Reality is... it's miine.... Reality is, no one can do anything about it but me, with the help of a loving God. Reality is, that without this program, I would simply miss a lot of those happy moments because I wouldn't know how to grab them when I experience them, or I would have so much fear that they won't last that I can't possibly enjoy them when I have them. I would go through them, waiting for the next shoe to drop.
For me, its absolutely okay to feel happiness, joy, peace, serenity, etc.. and it is okay to face the reality that I'm in pain, I hurt, I am angry, and I am scared.
Three things that have helped me the most in sorting through the mess I have turned into is... Praying, Writing and being honest about where I'm at, in any moment of time, with another member of Al-Anon. I have been so full of buried shame, anger, fear, hurt... I know it will take a while for it to all process itself out and all I can do is be willing to go through the process of letting it, so I can be free of it and spend more time in those happy, joyous and free moments.
I have to remind myself often that what I am going through today, does not need to be what I measure my tomorrows on... each day brings its own stuff, good and not so good. When I remember that I only need to focus on me and make it through one day at a time... I believe I have a chance to truly recover and stop missing those really good moments of time, within myself and around myself.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
