The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Keping an open mind out in the world-letting all the information in and then processing it really works. Glad you have worked so hard and saw your old pattern before you flew into denial.
Please make an asset and gratitude list each day so that you will know how terrific you really are and how a man would be fortunate to know you.
This program works
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 2nd of February 2013 09:24:15 AM
I'm always thinking, "How have I managed to end up in such a series of dysfunctional relationships?" Addictions and dysfunctions of every stripe. What happened along the way where I didn't look out for the red flags and protect myself?
So a few weeks ago I met an interesting man. In fact I feel I should be out there being more open to this, not less -- I think I've been handicapped by my sense of "There's hardly anyone out there and hardly anyone who would like me -- does this guy seems like he does? He does! Sign me up! Sign me up right there!" -- before I've figured out what he's really like and whether he's an emotionally healthy guy.
But anyway, this guy seemed very nice and we had a ton in common, especially the stuff that's hard to find, so that was a draw. A guy who could make a nice friend, even if not a romantic prospect. And I found out a bit more and whoa! he was an alcoholic in recovery. Twenty-two years of recovery, which is an impressive achievement, but right away I noticed how my vows of "No alcoholics, no matter how recovered, never again" flew out the window. And then a couple of great features revealed themselves, and a couple of possible red flags. And what did I do? I found myself day-dreaming about the great features. How rare they are. How cool. How fascinating. The red flags? "I don't need to think about those right now." And the daydreaming continued. And then i woke up. I thought: This is exactly how I've gotten myself into every mistake along the way. I didn't look at the whole picture. I didn't wait to draw conclusions. I let my own cravings and excitement get the best of me. And occasionally I was okay. But sometimes I finally looked up and it was four years later and my life was a mess of chaos and co-dependence and misery, and I had to haul myself kicking and screaming out the debris.
So this time I'm trying for as much awareness as possible. I am slowing things w-a-y down. And I'm going to keep myself open to meeting all kinds of new people, and trying to understand them to be who they are, not who I want them to be. Boy, it's a challenge! It doesn't come naturally at all!
This is one of my fears, if I wind up out there again as a single. Hey, at least you're aware of what you're doing, bet you can't say that about 10 years ago right? My stepmother just started dating a guy who's 90 days sober and she is already in a mess with him because of his recovery. She met someone new last week and is keeping herself open to just finding men to spend some time with, no big commitments. It's interesting to see how she's handling her singlehood at the age of 63. She spent 2 years taking of my dad before he passed and she deserves to be happy, but it turns out that her dad was an alcoholic and she married my dad, too(who also was an alcoholic, go figure).
You're working a great program, Mattie. I always love your feedback to me and you always give me a wakeup call, LOL! Thanks for sharing your experience and self awareness.
Mattie, I'm also single and I now know that recovery may be lifelong so I fear that I have the potential to jump right in and give myself away.It sounds like you are strong enough to avoid this. I also have a list of no nos and the thought of an a again gives me shivers. On the other hand I love the way the steps have changed me and I do want a man who is mature and spiritual. It's nice to be free to think about possibilities like this. The future looks much brighter.x
Good morning, sounds like we might be twins! This site is the best...a way to express our thoughts and concerns.
I didn't think I could have the string of dysfunctional relationships, but hey the common factor is me!
At least he has long term sobriety! That will be an advantage, but keep looking for red flags and listen to your gut...and HP.
I am just coming out of a year long relationship with a guy who had 9 months of sobriety when I started dating him (poor choice).
My pattern has been stay out of a relationship for a period of time but then due to Lonliness, pain, boredom - I pick someone who seems to have similar issues as my own.
Good for you that you are taking it slow - I was taking it slow until I lost a family member - then I let an AA guy in my life and avoided dealing with the pain of the loss of my brother.
I know its hard to do...but talk to your sponsor - who will tell you the truth about the situation - they have your back and can see dysfuntion a mile away.
Keep trudgin and I pray and hope YOU find the love we all deserve.
