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a long-ish share... you guys are the only folks I have to confide in...
My AH called me at work- he seemed "weird"- we had an ok conversation but there were red flags... Lesson number one: ask direct questions- alcoholism is sneaky- in the past I'd say "tell me you're not drinking!" and he would say "I'm not drinking." This time I asked "Did you drink alcohol today?" and he kept saying "I don't think so." I called his sponsor then left work asap. Found him at home, passed out on the floor, wasted.
Thanks to Al-Anon I have guidance with what to do and what not to do. Although I wanted to slap him, to scream at him, I stayed calm and caring, tried to ask some questions and finally get him to bed. One day at a time. I held him and just had to sleep through the night so he could go to a morning AA meeting. Oh but alcoholism is so devious! I followed him to the bathroom when he had to go. He had cried and apologized and promised to go to the morning meeting. Eventually I fell asleep- exhausted- deep sleep. At 2:30am he snuck off and drank a full bottle of wine (a gift our housesitter had left behind). 5:00am he drank an entire bottle of 50 proof booze I had hidden in my closet- a gift from my travels for a friend of mine, plus a quarter bottle of special wine hidden in the same place from the same trip. Before 8am he had urinated in 3 places- none of them a toilet, also unearthed a bottle of vodka he'd had over the past day.
He was on short term disability (because of detox) and slated to go back to work. Man, I wanted to strangle him! Putting his job on the line- our livelihood! But it wasn't HIM doing it directly, he didn't want to be doing it- he is an alcoholic. I knew to stay calm. I tried to get him to wake up after a few hours- to take a cold shower & drink coffee, eat something. OMG he couldn't even speak- it wasn't just slurring words- he was speaking another language- nothing coherent I tried to help him up to go to into the bathroom and he was unable to stand or walk- he has cuts and bruises all over his body from stumbling, falling, kicking things. His sponsor told me to call an ambulance and have them take him to Crappy City Hospital where all the drunks go. His sponsor told me I'm probably going to have to divorce him, and that he was most likely going to lose his job and that I should kick him out of the house, even though he has noplace else to go. Another phrase I've learned "take what you want and leave the rest."
I feared for my husband's safety so after a grueling struggle with him, I managed to get him into my car. i drove to the emergency room of Decent Reputable Hospital. Suddenly he regained his ability to walk straight and RAN away trying to jump a fence... I yelled for help and security guards escorted him to a wheelchair and we went into the emergency room. He cried and sobbed and apologized and said suicidal things. I stayed away from the Big Picture. I kept saying over & over that ALL he needed to do was sober up, in this safe place, then work the program- go to AA. As soon as I felt some relief that this wasn't all on my shoulders, the emergency room doc decided that my husband was "clinically" sober... he was clearly still drunk, but not drunk or dangerous enough to take up space in the emergency room. Back home... first thing he did was scream about wanting to kill himself and throw a suitcase clear across the room.
Evening- 6 or 7pm, he put on his coat and sneakers- says he has to take a walk to get fresh air. No way. No free pass for him to go to the liquor store. Eventually he came clean - told me he HAD TO drink. He was going to the liquor store. He HAD TO. Now, we learn here that we can't CONTROL or CURE someone's drinking. Yes, I get that. But in a marriage, a also have some say and some authority in what happens in our home and shared life. I kept telling him NO, I can't let you do that. AA phrases- one day at a time- just don't drink today- let go and let god and so on. He kept insisting and I informed him that if he overpowered me and left the house, or snuck out somehow, I would chase him down and call the police or an ambulance if necessary, leading to another ordeal and probably his getting committed. I told him instead to just make it through the night. I held him- he was so sweaty- I told him sorry he was hurting. I convinced him to take off the shoes and jacket- then to come to bed early (and I clung to him, and put a BELL on the doorknob so I'd hear if he tried to leave!)
Morning dawns. He goes for a walk at 5am, before liquor stores open. He takes a shower, looks good, goes to an early appt with his psychiatrist. After that he will go back to work, then go to a meeting after. I wanted to share a heartbreaking story that turned into a success story, at least for today. I really appreciate the meaning of One Day at a Time, and just tell my spouse Do Not Drink Today. In many shares the Al-Anon member finds peace by leaving the alcoholic. I'm not saying that couldn't happen, but AA also works if they work it. I wanted to tell you that with my husband working AA and myself working Al-Anon I do have hope that we can succeed and have a future together. Thank you for the lessons I've learned here.
__________________
"my country is the world, and my religion is to do good" (Thomas Paine)
I'm glad You are safe.
I remember those type nights all too well.. The chaos & insanity. I sure don't miss it one bit. I followed that routine & tried to "help" my A over & over for almost 3 yrs. Now we live seperate even though he is "currently" sober.
I will lift you up in prayer today, I hope you take care of yourself. Keep going to your meetings & working your program.
Midas, you were so brave and I applaud you for handling things so well. Yes, so many of us have had those days/nights. I'm glad you are safe, and praying for you, and your husband, all the way through.
I can see how painful this all is. And you left work when you found out he was drinking, got him into bed, monitored him, followed him to the bathroom, woke him up, decided not to follow the sponsor's advice but to take him to the ER yourself, got the security guards there to go after him, took him home, threatened him so he wouldn't leave for the liquor store, put a bell on your bedroom door, and then monitored him the rest of that night. That all sounds beyond exhausting. And will he be drinking again this today or this week? You are exercising superhuman efforts -- even doing things for him that he should be doing for himself, as Al-Anon terms it. And your life becomes focused on what he does and trying to stop his decisions. Alcoholism pulls us all down into insanity with it. I hope you have Al-Anon meetings? Wishing you much serenity.
Hi Midas, your story sounds like mine, the sleepless nights and drama but this made me resentful and bitter. I was angry when this happened because I thought it was deliberate. I know now it is a disease but I think it gets worse and thrives on sympathy, attention and drama. I'm so glad your husband is sober today but I'm more concerned about you. He is an alcoholic and he behaved as such. You can only control, change and understand your own behaviour. Take care of you.x
I'm so sorry you had such an evening. It really is a terrible disease and I hope today will be for you - a bubble bath, lunch with a friend, find some time to take care of you since you did such a great job for him. Hugs!
A bell on the door? That's maybe the only one I didn't think of - or I would have done that back when. It shouldn't be so hard. My hope for you is the strength and support to focus on what you can do. This os a good place to find wisdom and support. Face to face AlAnon meetings even more so. Keep coming back.
Thank you everyone for listening (I didn't think anyone would read such a long post LOL). It is amazing to hear that so many people can relate to this. So sad that we go through this and keep it our big dirty secret. Has anyone else mastered the art of putting on eye make up that covers up how red and puffy your eyes are from crying?! LOL. Anyway... the latest update is that he's a few days sober... mostly been sleeping- we went to an AA meeting together. He is super depressed but at least he's not drunk. Blessings to all of you for being there!
__________________
"my country is the world, and my religion is to do good" (Thomas Paine)
I tried to help him up to go to into the bathroom and he was unable to stand or walk- he has cuts and bruises all over his body from stumbling, falling, kicking things. His sponsor told me to call an ambulance and have them take him to Crappy City Hospital where all the drunks go. His sponsor told me I'm probably going to have to divorce him, and that he was most likely going to lose his job and that I should kick him out of the house, even though he has noplace else to go. Another phrase I've learned "take what you want and leave the rest." 
I stayed away from the Big Picture. I kept saying over & over that ALL he needed to do was sober up, in this safe place, then work the program- go to AA. As soon as I felt some relief that this wasn't all on my shoulders, the emergency room doc decided that my husband was "clinically" sober... he was clearly still drunk, but not drunk or dangerous enough to take up space in the emergency room. Back home... first thing he did was scream about wanting to kill himself and throw a suitcase clear across the room.
No free pass for him to go to the liquor store. Eventually he came clean - told me he HAD TO drink. He was going to the liquor store. He HAD TO. Now, we learn here that we can't CONTROL or CURE someone's drinking. Yes, I get that. But in a marriage, a also have some say and some authority in what happens in our home and shared life. I kept telling him NO, I can't let you do that. AA phrases- one day at a time- just don't drink today- let go and let god and so on. He kept insisting and I informed him that if he overpowered me and left the house, or snuck out somehow, I would chase him down and call the police or an ambulance if necessary, leading to another ordeal and probably his getting committed. I told him instead to just make it through the night. I held him- he was so sweaty- I told him sorry he was hurting. I convinced him to take off the shoes and jacket- then to come to bed early (and I clung to him, and put a BELL on the doorknob so I'd hear if he tried to leave!)