The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Do you ever feel like you are holding yourself back? I grew up in such fear and was always afraid to try new things. It just wasn't safe to explore things I liked ect...Well, this has affected me my whole life. I seem to not be living my life to the fullest and I hold myself back. Not to sound egotistical but I have a lot going for me looks, personality, singing talents, and yet I am so afraid to fail. I am afraid others will think I am not good enough. I am also afraid that people will think I think too highly of myself. My mom always told me that I was selfish and she said such hurtful things to me and it really sank in to me as a person and was very wounding and I just wasn't allowed to grow and blossom into who I was. My life is really boring right now and it is my fault. Not anyone else's. I hold myself back from experiencing life. I tend to stay clear of close friendships and people seem to ask me to help them all the time (like babysit their kids ect...and of course I say yes all the time and am annoyed at myself for saying yes). I go to meetings, I have a sponsor and am working the steps, I have a wonderful little family of 2 kids and a husband. My husband totally supports me reaching for my dreams...it is ME who is holding myself back now. It is almost like I am afraid to find out what I am really capable of - I may just blow myself away with what I can do.
-- Edited by hope4ever on Thursday 31st of January 2013 04:31:09 PM
Fear has been a huge part of my step 4 Fear of being manipulated by others and fear of being myself. I was born into a big family and we were encouraged to have talents and opinions.....but because I am part of the younger half of the family my talents and opinions were never good enough. I've grown up being very shy because of it.....in a very loud way somehow.
I'm re doing step 6 and 7 at the moment and really having to look at my own willingness to be willing..... to heal That (for me) means having the courage to have a go.
Progress not perfection.
If we fail we fail....at least we'll have experienced having a go. we can only learn by making mistakes.
(as I type this my head is still screaming NOOOOOOOO I can talk the talk....walking the walk is really not as easy)
I'm now in my 50's and unable to fullfill my career as I wanted to due to ill health. I don't have the energy to dance around. It can seem like such a waste of a life..... I can easily look at the negatives and live by that.....but my JOB in alanon is to heal. That means doing it differently. My mum is 90 so I have at least another 40 years to make a difference if thats what I choose to do....by finding things I CAN do instead to focusing on what I can't. I can live one day at a time.....and just for today I can have that good life I think I should have had. I can even practice in my alanon group, with Alanon friends and in conventions. Its safe there.
And even if I don't live as long as my mum am I really willing to waste any remaining life I do have?
The more I practice the more my self confidence grows and I find MY OWN perspective as to how good I am and whether I am bragging about my own abilities.
Step 7 is about humility..... I am learning what that really means....FOR MYSELF. I no longer have to worry about how others judge me......and they still do !!! My siblings are highly judgemental.
But with the help of the program I can choose for it to no longer bother me.... Its their stuff not mine. Maybe they're dealing with their own insecurities somehow. I don't know And just as with my alcoholic....I don't have to know or understand. I can detach from behaviour I find difficult or unacceptable and live how I choose to. x
-- Edited by f2fmember on Thursday 31st of January 2013 07:35:44 PM
Thank you for sharing your inner concerns and new huge awareness. Since you are working a program, and have a sponsor, I believe you are certainly on the right track to achieve your dreams Seeing how your inner fears have stopped you in the past is the first step toward growing thru this.
Remember the 3 As
AWARENESS (WHERE YOU ARE NOW) SEEING THE ISSUE
ACCEPTANCE ACKNOWLEDGING THAT YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HOLDING ON TO THIS DEFECT
ACTION CONTINUE WORKING THE PROGRAM AND THE REMAINING STEPS. ASK HP TO LIFT THIS DEFECT AND KEEP SHOWING UP FOR YOURSELF. I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE AND THE PROGRAM WORKS
