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It seems that the best and worse has happened....my STBXA has become the calm rational loving person I remember from 15 yrs ago...but with someone else. Appears to be sober, but as we no longer see much of each other i do not know. He says he hardly drinks at all. I asked for the divorce. I knew I could no longer live that way. Sleeping elsewhere 3 or 4 nights a week, driving our girls when drinking ,stating his entitlement to do as he wanted when he wanted as I paid the bills and loved the kids. I was so sure. Now he does for another what I had so wished for and I am devastated. Almost unable to cope. It was not a matter of not caring but not being able to live that life, exposing my girls to that behavior.
I know I should be happy for him but unable to find that within myself. I want that man for me.
For a year and a half as we worked towards an agreement I was sure. Now green eyed jealousy has reared it head and I find myself going backwards :(. I thought I was prepared for this. Need strength.
Believe me, he is not sober and recovered. It may be that because you don't see as much of him, he's able to hide his drinking from you better. But they do not become sober and recovered like the flip of a switch. It takes a solid, longterm program of recovery and long, long months and years of effort. It does not happen overnight, and the guidelines expressly say to avoid new relationships at the beginning. Even if he were going to AA or another program (which I doubt), he would be endangering his sobriety by starting up a new relationship. What is probably happening is that a new relationship is another drug of choice for him.
But look at what's really happening. Your STBXA has been driving drunk, endangering his daughters, and leaving the heavy lifting to you. If he really got well and sober and rational, what would he do? He would make amends, work his recovery, try to earn back the respect of his family, and dedicate himself to a healthy life. Is he doing that? No. Then you know he's not well and sober and rational. He may be disguising himself as so on top of things, has it all together, not a problem in the world kind of guy. They're so good at that, especially when they want to push our buttons, cause chaos, and make people jealous. But this is not the way a real together person behaves. And however well he may be treating this new woman right now, she will already have seen some red flags (because they can't keep the front up perfectly), and unless she is savvy and takes heed and gets out of there, she is in for heartbreak, lies, deception, disappointment, and all the misery that we on this board are familiar with. He's trying to pretend he doesn't carry misery around with him. But you know the truth.
Sometimes it takes a really painful crisis before we start to work full-time on our own recovery. Do you have a meeting? They say to try 6 because they're all different. Read the threads here, get the literature at meetings and read it (and there are meetings online here too), trade phone numbers, keep an eye out for a sponsor. There is great hope for your healing and serenity despite his chaotic disease. Glad you have found us, and hope you'll keep coming back. Hugs.
He's not a new man. They always are on their best behavior in the beginning of relationship. He is just trying to make you feel bad. Alcoholics are so good at trying to make us feel like we were the problem and we are missing out by not having them in our life.
23 years of sober and not sober and I can't say I ever truly saw a change with exah. It hurts now but not so much when the tigers stripes reappear. Hang in there! Be good to you!
My ex has been in active recovery for about 12 months and whilst he has changed in some ways, in so many other ways he hasn't. We attempted a reconciliation as I too thought he'd changed enough, but I realised that although his behaviour was way better through not drinking, the selfishness that is so much at the core of his being hadn't changed at all and I called time on us again. I now work at getting myself to the best place I can be and with the help of al anon, I am learning to like myself again and to be the person I once was before living with alcoholism affected me so badly and made me do and say things that I wish I hadn't. Jealously is just a negative emotion, same as resentment, fear, and all the others that are there. When I feel any of those emotions I now just think of the 12 steps and work at getting myself back to a good place, for me and my children. Remember no alcoholic 'hardly drinks at all'. If they do drink they are in active alcoholism (and everything crazy that goes with that) and if they don't the only way they can change their core being is by an active recovery programme through AA or another established organisation. I wish my ex well and I've let him go. I do dread him meeting someone else, but I know I don't want him and my intention is to try and be happy for him, but first and foremost to look after ME. I wish you well Ontario. Do go to an Al Anon meeting when you can. They've changed my life and I am eternally grateful for all the amazing people I've met there and the amazing messages they have carried to me and others.
Ontario, if he said he is "hardly drinking", that means he is still drinking. I agree with others. He is trying to make you feel bad. Stay strong for yourself and yourchildren. You are in a much better place.
I watched my son destroy his relationship with his GF over two years. She finally gave up and left. My son gets a new GF....all is good....not drinking....enjoying life. One month later the new GF drops him like a hot rock. Doesn't take long for the A to reveal his true colors if he's not in a good program to recover.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I'm so sorry you're feeling what you are, Ontario.
Just know this disease is bigger than us and what we can fully understand. I have to disagree that he's trying to make you feel bad. A's are so self-centered, the only thing he's trying to do in the whole situation is make himself feel good. There's nothing there for you to take personally.
I know for so many of us it's heart-breaking to see the A finally turn a new leaf and see that we had absolutely nothing to do with it. We're supposed to be the heroes after all - the ones who've suddenly inspired this wondrous transition in another person. After all, we sacrificed so much - loved so much, scolded so much, advised so much, suggested so much, intervened so much... we should get the credit! We fool ourselves again and again into thinking we have that kind of power over others.
Then we step into an Al-Anon meeting and are told right from the beginning that we are POWERLESS. And that's a hard pill to swallow at first. But eventually, for me, when I accepted that powerlessness, my life began to change for the better.
Have you been getting to face-to-face meetings? Have you found a sponsor to start working the steps with? Please take the necessary steps to take good care of you. You're worth it. And I tell you your worthiness in this life isn't balanced upon whether or not you inspired change in your exA.
