The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
it has been said that recovery is never progressing in a straight line up, it is more like 2steps forward, 3 steps backward and so on...slowly.
Today I'm sad. I let myself go back yesterday, to my ex ABF. He wanted to contact me again, and I let him, yes, because I miss him, or the idea of him. That's why I call him my drug of choice, because even we boke up for a good reason, threats and a lot of verbal abuse and pushing, even if I didn't feel this was a healthy relationship anymore, I began to miss him. For I'm a big Co-dependent, and I have been addicted to him...and we had good moments too of course. But I recognized that I didn't want a life in co-dependency, that this circle needed to be broken. Even he started to go to AA, i realized that his recovery will take a lot more time. He is still and continously accusing me of selfishness, which shows me that we are not on the same level in emotional maturity. Realizing that in all honesty also means for me that I have to move on alone. I don't know what the future will bring. I honestly and humbly handed him over to HP last night, FINALLY getting it that being seperated from eachother is a more healthy way for both of us. Beside my co-dependency I still think though there is a lot of love for him, and beside his addiction there is also a lot of love for me, it just dosn't work in this pressurized way. I am sad, I will miss him, and I do also now. I feel like crying, but I think also I cried enough lately, I have to let go. I thought we could reconnect that easily, but it isn't happening, because we are working on different issues right now, and there isn't a common understanding right now. I cannot serve as his projection wall, so I think it is the safest for me, and the most loving act towards him, to cut myslef out of the picture. I would love to hug him, but I feel i will drown with him when I do. it feels so difficult and unnatural to act like this, i feel soemhow cold and unhuman, at the same time i couldn't imagine continuing in this way. I hope he can forgive me one day; today he hates me deeply. I care for him deeply but how to show it in a different, more human way. he thinks I'm crazy, and tells me I take life too seriously...and sometimes I think so myself. But whenever I tried to look it more lightly, I noticed the effects of addiction were ruling our lives, and I didn't have the feeling that I was the master of my ship anymore.
I am so sorry, to walk away now from him, when I know he is struggling and I'm struggling too, both feeling a lot of loneliness. I wish us both an awakening, and a healthier way of living. I pray to HP to take good care of my loved one.
thanks for letting me express my deep sorrow... I want to continue my recovery...and wish him from the heart all the best.
ps: i get it now, that withdrawal is an awful force pulling on you. Withdrawal in co-dependency is as bad as withdrawal in any other addiction... in humility and compassion with every person in that struggle. I am learning this today. strength and patience to all. i want to trust. i want to love in a healthy way. let it start with Me.
Recovery is a very crooked line and that path happens to be beautiful for all of it's peaks and valleys to get to a point of peace. Keep working your program. You will be far better off in the long run regarding all of this and so will he. You deserve to have a life and make it your own instead of being defined by someone else's version of what they think you should or shouldn't be doing.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You are really insightful Tortuga. I'm reading a lot about "perspective" on the boards today. I hear you in your own words saying you need to be seperate from him to basically gain perspective. This is true. When I look back on my relationship with my ex-A, I often describe it as 2 sick people leaning on each other and falling down along the way cuz neither of us was stable to lean on and then we'd get mad at each other for not being able to fix each other's issues. To have a healthy relationship at all we had to fix our own separate issues. Of course in going about fixing my issues, that made me incompatible with him because he didn't fix his and I knew I deserved better. I kind of knew that would happen if I really let go and started working on myself. I know it would break up the relationship because I wouldn't "need" him anymore. I remember even verbalizing to my therapist at the time that I was scared to get "too healthy" cuz then I wouldn't need anyone and I would be "alone" and my biggest fear was being alone. Well, turned out my fears were unmerited. Being healthier has allowed me to be closer to others and, while I love my ex, I was never the one to make him better...It was never gonna happen and he was never gonna get healthy enough to be a good partner for me.
Once an alcoholic with many years of recovery described his marriage to me: "I was drinking so much that my wife left me, which was the right thing to do." It was one of many things that led him to go into recovery many years later. I'm not saying that leaving will send him to recovery (if only that worked, we'd all leave). Just that if he finds recovery, he will understand deeply why you had to leave.
But even if he never finds recovery and never understands, you understand, which is the important thing.
I thought my abf was the one with the problem till he went to rehab and started getting better and detached from me. I went into a panic withdrawel had some kind of breakdown. However it was the best thing for me. I was already in Al anon and then also joined Coda I got really focused on myself. He slipped again and we seperated then he went back to recover, I had six months living alone concentrating on my recovery. Today we live together again. I have my life, my recovery I do not obsess over him, his probs, life etc that is his responsibilty. Like you I trusted Hp if we were meant to b together we would but I just wanted to get better.
Your responsibility is to heal yourself develop a life you are proud of and enjoy, your Hp will give you all the love you need. If you go to meetings have a sponsor come on here you are never alone.
Good Luck, learning to love yourself is an amazing experience.
I get that. My ah was my drug of choice too. I can see now that we become obsessed and this allows us to not face our own feelings. I become obsessed about lots of things in life and its all to distract me from me because if I really get in touch with my own issues then I will need to deal with them and I don't have enough courage yet. I think I'm tired right now. Thank youfor sharing.
