The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My daughter in law will be getting out of treatment this Friday. Through my son I have learned that she views me as a threat and as over-involved with her 5 month old daughter. My husband and I have been taking care of our granddaughter quite a bit as our son has sorted out his new reality. My question is How do I deal with her after treatment knowing she has these resentments .
Tha AMA has identified Alcoholism as a family disease . This means not only the alcoholic but each member of the family have beeen negativiely affected by the disease and need a program of recovery.
Alanon is that program. Please check out the hot line number in the white pages and call to find a lisiting of face to face meetings in your community.
It is at these meetings you will be able to break the terrible isolation brought on by this disease, connect with others who understand as few others can and develop new constructive tools to live by
Please keep coming back here as well.
There is hope.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 31st of January 2013 09:41:20 AM
It's going to be hard to detach from the self-absorption that is currently still part of her disease. Ideally, she will progress in recovery far enough to know she brought this on herself, but often the "ideal" doesn't happen and even if it does happen, it doesn't happen in the timeline we want and expect.
I can say that, if I were you, my immediate thoughts would be angry ones along the lines of "Really!!? She is the one that drank herself into rehab with a 5 month old baby!!" My second thoughts would probably be fearful along the lines of "What if she tries to keep the baby from us now!?"
So...Alanon can probably help with admitting you are powerless over this process and you don't have the answers. Letting go and letting faith take over will aid you to the degree you are able to do it. Sometimes it helps to quell your own anger by imagining what it must feel like to be the alcoholic. She is the one that has to live with the fact that she drank/drugged herself into rehab during her infant's first years of life. She also is the one with the major mental health issues and insecurities and she probably is horrified on the inside that you are judging her and think she's no good. Hence, she might throw attitude of that sort your way but it's just a reflection of her own sickness.
I can't tell you how to act or what is right for you cuz I'm not you and I don't know all the personalities in play here that well. Certainly, it could bust down her defensiveness to approach her and say "we all just want you to get better" but the problem with that is that you don't want to say that if you don't mean it. Maybe you really are angry at her and just wish your son would divorce her and take the baby. I don't know. That is for you to work out, but as far as issues of fear, not having any power or control over the mess that her disease is creating...That is where alanon might be really helpful.
Thank you so much for your honest and helpful response. You articulated two of my biggest fears-losing contact with my granddaughter and facing her resentment of me.
Not sure if Al Anon meetings are for me. I've been reading the Big Book but am put off by the faith-based component as I am a non-practicing fallen away Catholic.
Receiving your note of encouragement was just what I needed to begin trying to accept what I can't change and to acknowledge how powerless I am to control any of this. Hard for a classic Type A enabler :)
