The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know I am supposed to work on my recovery and my AH is supposed to work on his but I can't fight the urge to jump in. After 28 days of rehab and 2 weeks of intensive out patient he has relapsed. He is in worse shape now then the day I dropped him off. He lays in bed all day, he hasn't eaten or showered in three days, and he says he wishes he was dead. He is home all day while I go to work (retirted, not unemployed). Am I supposed to just watch him drink himself to death? Or worse, come home from work and find that he committed suicide? Isn't there something I can do? Should I call his counseler from rehab?
Hi, I am having similar issues and confusion. It's easy to say that you can't cure someone & can't control their drinking, but what do you do when you are married to that person and share a house and pets (we don't have kids yet) and everything else? My husband keeps relapsing and I am terrified going off to work leaving him alone, fearing he will die or destroy things or who knows what. After going out on short term disability & going to rehab, he just relapsed again on the day he's supposed to go back to work. Now I'm afraid he'll get fired if he can't sober up & make it to work. Or that he will drink at work or show up drunk or smelling like booze. So this is the confusing part with AA and Al-Anon- I have no idea what to do. Seems like I'm supposed to just take care of myself, not try to control what I can't control but how can I do that when our lives are shared? Good idea to call his counselor SaRw... he/she can hopefully talk you through this or refer you to someone else. Does he have a sponsor you can contact?? Hugs. Lydia
__________________
"my country is the world, and my religion is to do good" (Thomas Paine)
When someone is saying they want to die, that is enough for them to be committed to a psychiatric hospital. From there, they might recommend rehab again, but he will at least detox again in the hospital and have a clear mind for a second to think about it. All that is needed to be committed is a person saying "I feel like killing myself" and the hospital will keep them....Heck, some folks even play the system that way cuz they like the hospital.
So anyway, I would call 911 when he's saying he wants to kill himself. That's beyond your scope to deal with.
Midas, your post brought me back....That is the exact same situation and feelings I had with my ex-A (whereas I always kept my job regardless of my drinking)...My ex's drinking really got worse when he went on disability and had a break down of sorts....he hated his job and basically self-sabotaged to get fired rather than look for a new job. I remember being scared all the time that he would die in a drunk car wreck or cuz his health was so bad.
I can't say what's best to do....For me, it eventually became clear that my paying all the bills and being the one to keep a roof over his head was not good and not helping. "Sharing" a life was not sharing at all. He was taking his own life slowly and draining me too. It was not getting any better so I left and focused on myself. Even though alcoholism is a sickness and a disease, there is only so much self-sabotage and self-destruction I could stick around for.
Even though my current partner is not an alcoholic and is much more responsible and I love him and trust him....I still keep my accounts separate. It is clear which pets are mine vs. his. I know what I would do if things didn't work out. I'm ready to be on my own again at all times if the situation dictates. This way, I NEVER EVER have to have that horrid sinking feeling that my life is tied up 100 percent in another person and I have zero options. You can move out for your sanity to avoid watching the trainwreck up close and to let them own their own recovery (or lack there of). You don't have to divorce during that process. It's more like a trial period to see if the person can function on their own again before establishing a life again where you depend on each other.
In addition to consulting their counselors or sponsors it's really useful for us to have sponsors -- these aren't easy problems to deal with. Do you have a meeting? Can you start looking out for a sponsor? It's so good to have someone to call when you come home to an unexpected problem, etc.
SaRw, I'm praying everything is alright. Certainly don't go through this alone. If you are concerned for his safety, I would contact someone...his sponsor, the rehab counselor, or, if the situation is really dire, call 911. You need some support too. Can you go to a Face to Face Al-Anon meeting to help you with your fears and concerns?
Thanks for the tips and advice. I am headed to a meeting tonight. He is sort of better tonight. No longer saying he doesn't want to live. Just that he can't live with me. He is too ashamed. He says he is going to check himself back into rehab. He says he feels safe there, and that is where he wants to stay. .... new development as I am typing. Now he wants me to take him with me when I go to the al anon meeting so that he can go to the aa meeting next door. I don't think I am strong enough for this. I have to tell you, tonight, I don't care how he feels.... This is how I feel: All my life I thought I was blessed. I felt like I had more than I deserve. I'm healthy, I have a good job, a nice home, great (adult) children, a decent husband, a mom that has been active and healthy. Now, I am menapousal, mom is showing signs of dementia and has become more and more dependant, and my husband is alcoholic and depressed. Thinking about this today, my thought was "Huh, there it is, I finally got what I deserve." Well enough of the pitty party. I continue to have hope! Peace to you all.
SaRw, it's such a good sign if he wants to go back to rehab and/or go to AA, and good for you to work Al-Anon. Please praise him for choosing LIFE and for trying, even if it's baby steps. There are ups and downs in life of course, but it sounds like you ARE blessed in so many ways. Hang in there.
__________________
"my country is the world, and my religion is to do good" (Thomas Paine)
