The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I always imagined and prayed to my HP that my AH would recover and we would live happily ever after. Somewhat of a fairytale I guess. My AH attends 3 meetings a week and has formed some excellent relationships that only recovering alcoholics can form. They understand, they grow, they work their steps. So, now my dilemma, is I am alone 3 nights a week while he is this healthy, happy go lucky man and I am now the distressed, lonely, sad wife. I never thought that recovery would mean this life for me. We seem more distant - my guess is that his emotional needs are being met at the meetings. Sorry, can't go to Al-Anon meetings. Have tried several times - too many stories that my head just can't listen to anymore. I feel like screaming when I leave. And all that detachment stuff - I feel I've detached so much that I've probably caused more distance between us. Maybe there are other wives out there who have experienced this.
I am in the same situation when it comes to the lonely part. I have reached out to friends and am doing new things. There is a local cooking supply store here that offers classes weekly. You go in and there is a small charge, a professional chef teaches you how to make a specific dish or type of food and everyone eats dinner together. There is usually 20 people there. I started doing it last week. I get to meet new people and do something that I really enjoy. Take a class, join a club. Find something that you can do for YOU during his time that is about his recovery. I needed to find time to spend with other people, do things that I was interested in and meet new people. I even registered on meetup.com which is a website for people to get together with other people doing things that they enjoy. I think this is available all over. One of the ones that I have started going to is a women only group and they just get together to go hiking and on walks around a lake near by. There is another one that I want to do that is a group that gets together to play board games. I love board games, maybe not something I would do weekly, but its a chance to meet new people and to fill in some of the empty spots in my life. You could join a work out group that meets during the same time, or even just get a membership at the local YMCA (if there is one) and go swim while he is gone. Do something for YOU, that makes you happy. My mom just recently started doing a quilting group through her church. They meet one night a week in the evening and the ladies visit and work on quilts. There is one lady that is really good and she is teaching everyone how. There is lots of stuff out there, you just have to go for it. Its been very helpful to me and my recovery to join others in doing healthy fun things. I am feeling those holes fill up.
I get overloaded, too, with alanon stories and program. My sponsor keeps telling me to "hear the message" and identify with others and it's hard to listen in these rooms, for me, too.
Also, my friend (the qualifier) seems to have at least one other friend and I don't have anyone, either, really.
I keep coming back.
Glad you are on the board.
thanks,
Allie
__________________
Alanon is about self-care, not caring for the alcoholic.
I also didn't like Al-Anon when I first went...all the whinning and complaining and solutions that don't work as I thought...so I also quit the program and one night when my wife got back from her AA meeting and asked me if I thought she was an alcoholic I emphatically said "No" and she went back out on an extended relapse and whatever chance we had and whatever things we owned as a couple went into the toilet and we divorced. It was one of those dreams that people call nightmares and not what I wanted but what I got for the part I played. I learned to love myself and take care of myself and have never been lonely thereafter. Alcoholism affects everyone it comes in contact with...so does the programs of recovery. (((hugs)))
I understand just what you mean about lonely, I'm in that place at the moment and it is soooo easy for me to feel sorry for myself from there Which is slightly strange since I've probably been lonely in our marriage for about ten years and yet I would love a couple of quiet evenings to myself!
For me the first alanon meeting I attended was a huge eye opener. It took place next to a room where the AA meeting happened and since there was a bit of a nasty argument going on between a relapsed husband and his wife who was in the alaon meeting some of the AA boys came to meet me at the door and chatted to me for five minutes or so. They were sparky, lively and very kind in looking after me and when the coast was clear they took me through to the alanon meeting. The love in that room was palpable, but so was the exhaustion. It was a small group and I'll love those people for ever for what they showed me. I recognised myself in their tiredness. It was not who I wanted to be though.
I think that MIP is a great place as well.
So part of my looking after myself is to rest and relax and do things that I like and that energise me. I have not got it right yet by any means, and I agree that finding an appropriate source of emotional support can be tricky. It is strange because when I spoke to AH about it he understood, but that still doesn't mean that he is really or able to give yet so I ask for a hug from time to time and then try to give myself treats as well. I think that it will probably help us both when I do get myself sorted and start getting together with friends and courses etc. I imagine that I will feel good about it and AH will not feel so guilty about having to be so inward looking for a while.
And yes, I do think that I am creating the distance these days as well. It is tricky isn't it?
Hi, I am the alcoholic AND the Al anon. My choice to claim my recovery 18 days ago has put my darling husband into a lot of fear and loneliness as you describe. I intend for my marriage to work AND I must take care of myself and claim my health. I want him to talk to me about what I am doing and what I am learning. I don't want him to need me right now. I want to need him. Does that help? Tell me more...Alcohol DOES affect all of us. I found Al Anon many years ago when dating a guy in AA who was a dry mean fu*k. There must be a way for couples to claim a life together in recovery. That is why I came here this morning.
Love to all of you - keep the faith dear one. It will get better.
The point when I realized I needed Al-anon was when my AH was recovery & enthusiastically going to meetings... as soon as I said something that rubbed him the wrong way he would use all this AA lingo against me and would totally distance himself from me. I guess he was learning that he has to walk away from stressful situations, which is probably good for him, but I'm left holding the bag.
The epiphany came when I was trying to complain to him or confront him about something and he said "save it for your therapist." It made me realize that while he was building a network of support and people to reach out to and also learning the vocabulary & lessons of AA, I was LONELY, with only my therapist to talk to... no friends or family to turn to since I protect the "anonymous" part of his AA.
I guess I WANT someplace where I can whine or vent with people who understand. But there are also a lot of Al-Anon folk who share about how they cope, how they take care of themselves, and have inspirational things to say. Maybe some groups are a better fit than others, but I'm definitely grateful for Al-Anon.
__________________
"my country is the world, and my religion is to do good" (Thomas Paine)
The meeting I attend has the most hopeful, bright, calm and happy people I have ever met. No one, except newcomers whine about their lives. The program offers us a healthier outlook and it works. If you attend meetings where people whine then they are not working their program. I think groups like this are rare. Keep looking, good luck.
Which is slightly strange since I've probably been lonely in our marriage for about ten years and yet I would love a couple of quiet evenings to myself!