The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Long story short: AH is making an attempt at normalcy around here. His mother just passed away and he put on the show for his family but I think he was quite grateful that I flew across the country to be there with him. He has been reaching out and I've been feeling quite confused. Just a few weeks ago he was accusing me of cheating on him, screaming at me in marriage counseling about how I talk too much or how I tell him stupid crap he doesn't want to hear about, etc. And, now, all of a sudden he's almost like a different person. Honestly, when I look back on our marriage I see this pattern to some degree. Periods of normal where he's kind and generous and seems genuinely grateful for me and for his life and then the other side of things that is quite a different story filled with denial, lies, anger, bitterness, and depression(among lots of other things).
So, I'm trying to make sense of things. Is this real? Will his new behavior stick and can I open up to him again? He actually asked me for a hug yesterday. It was the day we buried his mother so I wasn't too surprised since it was an emotional day for all of us, but he genuinely seems to be trying to reach out. And, here's the kicker: I don't want him to. I'm not ready to take down my walls. I'm not feeling healthy enough to trust opening up to him again. Maybe it's just my gut feeling but when he hugs me, I want it to end really quickly. I don't want this connection to him. Ugh, what is wrong with me?
He has started with his old therapist(a psychologist) but has only had 2 meetings before his mother passed unexpectedly. He also seemed like he was making changes right after the marriage therapist basically gave up on us and told us to just come back every 4 weeks for a check up and to see how things are going.
Oh...we so should chat... I posted about the dr jeckyll and mr hyde thing that I live with in my marriage and this post of yours is it to a "T". I too build walls, distance myself, isolate and wdraw. I cant barely stomach the thought of marr cnslg bc of all of the raw emotions that will be thrown at me...the blame shifting, denial, etc. mine too has amazing days ... Where hes thankful, attentive, loving, involved and then WHAM...he picks a fight, is verbally cruel and absent again. I try to stay in the moment. I try to let the past not get in the way..that said, HE drags it up all the time. I try to try to be intimate...thats a huge chalenge....and yet....my reward....still not enough...therefore more anxiety....eggshells...fear that i may be eventualky be facing my worst fear....divorce....sharing my child. At least if we stay married our chid is our...read mine,(yes, its my selfish area) and she wont be shared...read no step mom, or me relinquishing custody. I know I need a sponser, I need to work harder in this progeam...but f2f mtgs are hard, making phonecalls in private harder....and well...you kniw, you live it. Thank goodness this site is here...knowing somone understands helps. Pm me if youd like
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
The good news is that whether it sticks or not will soon become apparent. From my experience, I think you are wise to be cautious. They have a lot of good intentions but without a program of recovery, they often don't have what it takes to stay on an even keel. But however it turns out, maybe you can enjoy the lack of chaos -- you deserve it!
Mattie, I am holding back. I'm watching. And, that's OK for right now. There's a part of me that's happy with the crumbs, I don't know any different, you know?
