The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been with my husband for 10 years. We've been through it all, good times and extremely bad times. He's been to five rehabs since we got together. The last time was march last year, went away for three months out of state. So his one year mark would be coming up soon. We have two kids, son is 7 daughter is 5. Our son has ADD and is on Adderall. I went to the cabinet to give him his pill before school and noticed the capsule was empty. I dumped the remainder of the bottle on a plate and found all but three were empty. I texted my husband who replied they must have been blanks, it's mass produced. After I returned from bringing the kids to the bus I started to open them one by one, and found remnants inside of the medication. The were clearly not blanks. I texted him again to which he said, all that means is something happened between where they were made and when we got them. Now, is it possible there was some kind of mistake before they got to us? I suppose. But my gut is telling me it was him. I'm so tired of coming back to this place, over and over. I just start to feel like everything is fine, we're doing good, and then something happens and my stomach is in knots. And usually once I finally find out the truth my gut feeling turns out being correct. How do I handle this?
I would guess that is was clearly him - the key is, what does that mean for you, and your recovery??
Challenging A's on "proof" that they are drinking/using wears us out, at the best of times... trust your instincts here - they seem 1000% right to me....
So, back to my point....
He is either gonna drink (or swipe adderal from caplets) or he's not.... what are YOU gonna do?
Choose recovery for YOU, and/or for you & your son.
How do you handle this?? My best advice would be to get yourself a seat at the first Al-Anon meeting you can find...
Take care, and glad you found us
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I've found with my husband that when he is active in his addiction it is completely useless to confront him with proof when I catch him in a lie. I've wasted a lot of my time and energy trying to get him to admit the truth and he never does. I just end up more angry and disgusted with both him and myself in the end. You already know what you suspect is very likely the truth. It's just so hard to admit that the person we love and devote our lives to can do such terrible things.
I agree with everyone above. The first thing I would do is put the Adderall in a safe place where he cannot find it. Next, I would get to an Al-Anon F2F meeting.
I'm also in agreement, he will continue to deny it and you will find yourself feeling crazy. Trust your instincts and find a way to be sure he does not get into them. Were it me, there would be a locked safe hidden - or they would be with me at all times (in purse, pocket, etc). Whatever you choose, Al Anon can help you to not feel so crazy in a crazy environment. Hugs.
Thank you all for responding. I usually keep these "situations" quiet. I've been told of alanon many times, but haven't followed through. In the midst of my panic yesterday I found this website and posted.
When the first responder wrote what am I going to do for myself, it hit me like a truck. For me? To be honest, I sat staring at the sentence for a while.
Then to see the other responses talking about the insanity that comes with truth seeking also hit home. He'll carry it on as long as he can, swearing he's already telling the truth, while calling me every swear word to psycho and threatening to leave.
So, yesterday I did not confront him. However it turned out just as bad. I didn't know what to say to him, so I didn't say much of anything. Which he said "tortured him", he wouldn't stop yelling and freaking out that he "knows what I'm thinking, how can I punish him for something he didn't do. I need to get over the past." Yes, I do need to get over the past, but how can I when its still going on?
Before I found the empty capsules, to my knowledge, he had been sober since last march. Sober, but at times still just as nasty. Mood swings, outbursts, etc. I chalked it up to him still recovering mentally, and it would take sometime. But now, I think maybe he was using all along. Which only makes me feel guilt and remorse that I'm still gullible enough not see signs for what they are, even after the countless times we've been through this.
My mind keeps going back to canadianguy's question of regardless of if he drinks or uses what am I going to do for me and my kids. The question itself makes me nervous. I suppose my first step would be to make myself to go to a meeting. I say 'make myself' because to be honest, I'm scared. I'm not sure what of.
I spent 20 years trying to work out if my ex was drinking or not drinking. Trying to smell his breath when he spoke or monitor his moods. I checked his bank account, his pockets, whether he was sweating or shaking! Who's the crazy one?! Then I found al anon and I learned that nothing I say, do or check up on was going to change whether he drank or not. I learned that I needed to focus on me and my own mental health because I too had become 'sick' from living with alcoholism and trying to control it. I learned to detach with love, which for me was sort of saying, ok you've got this crazy alcohol addiction, but I can work at not letting it affect me. I can perhaps leave the room when you start yelling or calling me names as it's pointless to argue with someone who's high on alcohol or alternatively desperately craving it. I can do a little something for me that makes my day better, go see a friend, have a nice bubble bath, read a book. When I let go of his alcoholism, in some ways it got worse as he found this new freedom to drink more with me saying nothing, but in a way it all led to him reaching his bottom. Having to step back and watch someone I cared about get deeper and deeper into his alcoholism is perhaps one of the hardest things I've done, because my instinct was to rush in and fix everything bad that happened, as I had done for so many years. But as time went on he more and more had to face the consequences of his actions and he eventually realised that he had a problem that only he could fix. But I know in my heart and soul that he would not have got there if I'd told or ordered him to seek recovery (because to be honest I'd done that for YEARS and it hadn't worked!). He got himself funding for rehab and he's been sober about 12 months. Sadly we're not together anymore, but we get on well. Mainly because I go to Al Anon and have dealt with my resentments and he goes to AA and works his own 12 step programme. The more I found ME again through my own recovery, the more I realised I didn't want to be with him, but I wish him well. Life is good for me now in spite of a lot of problems left over from the active alcoholic days, mainly debt etc. But I found peace by going to Al Anon meetings and meeting great people who helped me put my life back together. It did take time, there was no quick fix and I'm still learning daily how to deal with this thing called 'life', but it's all good. Hang in there Dsouth, if you can please go to a F2F meeting, it was the best thing I ever did (for ME!). I wish you well and you are in my prayers.
