The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A is soon to be 53 years old, a smoker and recovered heroin addict from before I knew him. He's been drinking since he was a child (abstinence for years because of a prison stint) and the past three years I just found out he's been smoking crack. I thought he stopped the crack 2 years ago, but he didn't. I haven't seen him in three weeks as of today and he called me (from a payphone) a week ago Monday and told me to contact the attorneyy handling an estate he acquired (loooong story) because he had no electricity. I did contact the attorney but I have no idea if anything was done about it. The attorney couldn't contact my A because my A doesn't charge his phone and hasn't in weeks and so the attorney asked me to track my A down. I didn't and haven't. It's taking a great deal for me to keep away, but I am doing it. He always contacts me, but so far nothing. I'm confused about letting my A fall/hit bottom on his own and the idea of being helpful. Where is the line drawn between helping him and leaving him to deal with his choices? I do love this man and miss him and I have realized what I love and miss is the man he used to be not who he is now. Life is calmer without him, but I do worry. I've been reading posts here which have been most helpful and other information I have come across. What I read is leave the addict to figure their lives out and not rescue them, then the next sentence will say don't leave them, help them to get help.
Helping is doing something for someone else that they are unable to do for themselves. Enabling is doing things for someone else that they can and should be doing for themselves.
If he can call you he can call his attorney...
Take care of you....
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I have never read the second part of your last sentence.... In a nutshell, the Al-Anon program encourages us to allow the A's to reap the consequences of their behaviors....
I don't think anything in the program insinuates whether one should or should not leave... If you do choose to stay, there are subtle things we CAN do to help pave a helpful path for them to choose sobriety (well outlined in all the GTS books), but it is always known to be THEIR path, their choice.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you Cathy and Tom for your help! The A called me earlier from a payphone, I recognized the number and I didn't answer. He called again about two hours later saying he needed money. I told him I have no money and I wasn't giving him any. He said he hadn't a dollar to his name and I asked him what happened to the check he gets on Saturdays? He said he forgot to cash it yesterday. Riiiiiight. He asked me to come over and I told him no, I had no money to give him. He said I was his, he wanted to see me and I asked him where he's been the last week and he laughed like he does when he's high or drunk. I guess he doesn't think I can tell or more likely doesn't care. I told him no once again and I was surprised he wasn't angry and begin yelling which is his MO. He just said I guess I'll call next week then, I said ok and he hung up. I've always given in to him until recently, but I've had enough. He always brings up going to rehab and he just got out of a thirty day program, but on the way home he bought a bottle and I'm guessing crack. When I try to discuss rehab with him he laughs and says what they all say which is I can stop when I want to, then he says, but I don't want to. I always tell him it's his choice then he changes the subject, gets angry then I end up leaving. He didn't remember calling me a week ago and this is someone whom I spoke with every day for hours. What I want to do is shake him senseless, but here I sit shaking my head at the situation. There are tons of meetings in the area where I live, but for most I need a car to get to which I don't have or the meetings are during working hours. I feel good about saying no to him, but I feel bad he's chosen his substances over me and his life. Yes, it is a disease.
Yes, it is a disease that causes mental illness. And he says he doesn't want to quit yet. So you can get involved with his mental illness or you can choose serenity for yourself. You have to choose for yourself and feel good about your choice. That is what this web site and AlAnon are good for. Take care of yourself.
My A called this afternoon asking for money to which I promptly said no. He then asked me to come over because he wanted to see me and again I said no. I know had I gone over there he would have badgered me for money like he has in the past. It's tough telling him no, but I have to for both our sakes. I want him in my life, but I am pretty sure that's not going to happen. I was so surprised he didn't yell at me like he's done before when I told him no. He was drunk or high that I know. I asked him where he's been and he laughed and just said "here". He said, "I guess I'll call you next week then." and he hung up. He's such a hot mess and he doesn't care, unreal, but I am taking care of me now.
