The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been attending meetings sporadically for a little while. The first meetings I think I was drug, kicking and screaming to. Not literally, but I really didn't think I needed it, nor did I have time for it. So, I've been to a few meetings now and am beginning to let go of some of the guilt of leaving my kids to work on myself. And now not having time to attend the meetings is not just an excuse anymore, now I want to go to the meetings but there is really not enough time. So here I am online.
I am having a bad week and can't seem to shake it, which is aggrevating... because I can shake anything if I yell about it long enough. Everytime I think that I am starting to get better, that everyone else it starting to get better, it turns out that things are either getting back to where they were, or worse. One of the main reasons I don't have time to work on myself is because I don't have the courage enough to take care of one of the main obstacles of my recovery.
After many years married to an addict, I began dating soon after. I am dating a recovering alcoholic. Long story short... I can't seem to get rid of him. I have told him that I do not want a relationship, that I am no good for him or anyone, that I need time, that he can do better... He'll wait. So, two months later he's still around, more and more. He is extremely possessive. My kids hate the fact that I am dating. They aren't too thrilled about him in general. He works late hours and can only come over at night, so we rarely if ever go out. Any time we get together, it's at my house. Now I am becoming a little bitter about the whole thing because he doesn't get it. He is constantly trying to win over my children and seems to be keeping score for himself- which irritates me to no end. Here's the problem- I cannot stand up for myself and my kids and tell this person what I really need to tell him, which is apparently HIT THE ROAD! I am cursed with being too nice (which I thought I took care of in the divorce process).
I don't know if this is an Al-Anon issue, or if this is a major character flaw of mine... why I can't just say what's on my mind? I am so afraid of hurting someone's feelings, even if they're affecting mine and my kids well being.
So now I've decided to just be a B* when I talk to him and pray that he'll get tired of it and get rid of ME. But I know that it's wrong. I am doing neither one of us any good.
Communication is not a strong point for me. I am incredibly shy. I've only shared at the meetings once, and that was because I was angry. I don't come to the meetings early or stick around long after the meetings to meet people. I am very anxious around new people. I have a couple of people in mind for sponsors, but don't have the guts to go up to them and get thier numbers, much less talk to them. I am tired of venting to my best friend, she's got major problems of her own and doesn't need my crap also.
If there are any shy people out there like me who have overcome it to stand up for themselves, please let me know. I am at the end of my rope and I don't want to end up with this person indefinately (like I have done in the past).
hello and wecome to al anon. you have some codependent traits as most of us do. can i suggest a book? codependent no more by melody beattie. it has been an extreme help to me and think you could benefit from it as well.
your sister in recovery
notsonew:)
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
Welcome. If you are shy, the time will come that you are able to speak out. I have been attending f2f meetings now for almost 2 months and last night I finally asked one woman if I can call her. I need a sponsor and even if I ask her to be my temporary sponsor because I will likely be moving closer into town here and want more local meetings, at least I have a sponsor. I understand being very shy about asking. Just asking if I could call was my first step. When I get the courage to call perhaps I will be able to ask about sponsoring me. If not, then the next time. Take things one day at a time - and remember the meetings are safe places - we can take the small risks there even if we are scared. That is what I keep reminding myself so that I can speak out and share at some of the meetings.
I dunno you sound right on track to me. I thnk that dating and saying no thanks is huge. Personally I swear I attract those who say serve me and its all on my terms.
I think it is incredible that you can look at the big picture and say oh well this is not working for me. I think there are lots of ways to say no but maybe you keep getting hooked back in again. One huge hook for me is He needs me. Yeah right. He managed without me before. I need him but he doesn't do anything for me. The fact he can't listen to your concerns is a very very big red flag and good for you you listened to it. I ignored that one over and over and over and over again because I of course don't listen to my own concerns. I settle for a few crumbs.
If you go to al-anon meetings you will learn lots of ways about saying No. I think that is an art in itself. I think you will also learn that your needs are valid and that you can be a beginner. One of the things I most beat myself up about is that I did not have certain skills. How would I learn them growing up as I did. I didn't and then I beat myself up when I did not have them. So you can be a beginner at dating it is perfectly acceptable. No one is going to judge you here and say oh you shoulda coulda woulda. You can make mistakes and not feel like his life is in your hands he is after all a grown man.
This is a great growth exercise for you, as I think you already realize that "being a b* to him and hoping he goes away" is not the right approach.
Honesty truly is the best policy, and one that we ALL struggle with, particularly in ending relationships. I would suggest that you write down what you really want to say to him, and then..... "say it, mean it, and don't turn back"..... This is boundary setting, and meeting YOUR needs. This issue should not be open for discussion or debate with this guy - you want to end the relationship, cuz it is not healthy for you right now. Period.
Just my two bits
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you all for responding. I will look for that book...
I think I may be finally getting my point across to him. I had to get angry to get it out, but I was completely honest in my reasons (why we can't hang out this weekend). One weekend at a time I guess. He really layed it on thick, the guilt trip and I expected it. But I stuck with it. He is continuing to send emails to add on to the guilt trip... I am doing my best to ignore them since I've already said what I have to say. But it's going to be hard, if he keeps it up, I will let loose on him. I am a push over to a point.
I am finding it hard to believe how much this was affecting me. I feel better. I've had no energy lately and have been extremely moody. I didn't realize that a relationship that I put nothing into was some of the source of my depression.
I am not done with this, I don't want to leave him hanging, but I think for the time being I should let it go.
My goal this weekend is to speak to someone at the meeting. Thanks everyone.
Welcome to the program it is a great place for people that can not speak there mind. I can't say no and get myself in so much trouble because of it. I do things that i don't want to do. When I first came i didn't want to talk in my face to face meeting i just keep passing and then one day i decide to talk and so that no one say anything, it was great they don't judge you at all. You can tell them anything and they don't care. They are get people. I also set up a support system. I go to the face to face meeting, have friends, and a sponsor.
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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
I haven't been on here in several months. I actually remembered my login by a fluke. I decided to read some of my sister's posts. They stung a little... as well they probably should have. I suppose we all believe that we have the right answer at any given moment whether it's involving recovery, relationships or parenting.
I have backed out of watching her children on more than one occassion... this is probably true. It's a fairly well known fact that I am not good with children, nor do I have much patience. It is also a fairly well known fact that I do not handle stress well (although I would like to think so). I did say I would watch her kids for a weekend, but at the last minute did back out. Not for the whole weekend, just was concerned that I would not be able to handle the overnight, nor the whole weekend. I have no idea whether to apologize for this or not. I am learning assertiveness and this was not an attempt to test my newfound assertiveness. I stress about watching her children because there are times that I can't handle them. At times, one can require stern punishment and I personally don't trust myself not to lose control. I have explained this to her. I love my nieces and nephew, they are all very sweet kids. I just do not posess the patience that she has with children. I would imagine that this will always be a sore subject where the two of us are concerned and I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me.
I am posting this as a reply to my first and only topic that I started back in December 05. I have been attending meetings still and still sporadically. I do keep in daily contact with a person from AA, whom I still consider my fill in sponsor.
The relationship that I struggled to end did not end until May 2006... the same one that I thought I had taken care of in December.
I am in a really great relationship now that I know that everyone thinks is moving too fast and that's okay. I know my motives, his motives and the pros and cons. My kids are doing better than they have in years. Everyone is happy. Everyone is adjusting, but no one is angry or miserable anymore. I am sure that my sister/best friend has her two cents to put in on this, but this is how I see it.
I would like to say until recently, I have tried to mother my sister... but truth be told, I still feel like I could run her life pretty well. : ) This is a joke, okay?! I am a worrier by nature, although recovering. I worry about her relationships. I worry about her getting hurt. I worry about her children, etc. I am realizing that it is none of my business... thanks to Al-Anon and that we all have to overcome our own obstacles... fall on our face and get back up... that kind of thing.
I realize that I am going all over the place with this and I apologize. This is an attempt at an apology/venting. Thanks for taking the time to read this. And if my sister/best friend is reading... I ruv ru ; ) Hope we can get our closeness back before our kids grow up and move out.
