The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I never thought my life would end up here. My big plans for the year included 6 half-marathons, starting a business and possibly getting engaged. I knew my BF had a problem with alcohol. He had said he had stopped drinking. A trip to the ER a week ago crashed my world entirely.
He's admitting now that he has a problem and is seeking treatment for A as well as depression. I suddenly find myself with a list of possible side effects and warning signs to look out for, having to justify to our friends and family why I'm not leaving and wondering, myself, why I'm not leaving. He and I agreed that we were not going to hide his problem, that we needed a support system... But the assumption that we are going to break up hurts. The worst questions are when people want me to answer why he drinks. He doesn't even know that, so why should I?
He's completely broken my trust and expects me to be suspisious. It's like he's counting on me to be suspicious to keep him on the straight and narrow. All I want to do is trust him and I know that for his sake and mine, I can't. I never signed up for this responsibility.
He's so fragile right now and I want so badly for him to be healthy. And I can't ask him the questions that are killing me. I don't want to accuse and I don't want to pressure. So he talks about plans and programs and I nod and encourage. I keep reading that there are multiple setbacks. Is it awful that I want to hit a setback so we can get to the "real" healing?
Any tips on how to rebuild trust, have positive conversations that still address the problems and how to cope with this sudden lifestyle change?
Go to alanon and detach from him working his own program. Yes, he may have setbacks...but what sense is it to worry about things you have no control over? This is why we say the serenity prayer in most 12 step meetings.
Trust isn't all or nothing much of the time. You can probably trust that he will do and wont do certain things he says (probably unrelated to drinking). The best thing you can do is go to alanon and support him going to meetings, getting a sponsor, and working the steps. You could also benefit from working the steps.
You obviously have some faith in him or you would have left like you said. So...you do not need to Justify, Argue, or Defend any of your choices to anyone. The answer to "Why does he drink?" could be "I don't know. Why don't you ask him?" You also don't know what everyone else is thinking, so don't assume.
((((Wynd...)))) and to add what happens to or not to for him is his responsibility...his choice. He knows it and now you know it. Go ahead and tune up for the marathons...that is good exercise and affirmation for you. Pink gave good feedback including answering questions about "his" drinking...point "them" in "his" direction and wish them all good luck. In time being serious about his recovery he will know what he needs to know. Those of us who have been there also have the experience of it and part of the experience is getting our life back after becoming responsible for getting it back. His problem isn't a reflection on you at all...You didn't Cause it....you cannot Control it....and you will not Cure it. Those are the 3Cs of Al-Anon which have saved so much sanity, serenity and lives for those of us who have found the face to face meetings of Al-Anon. We get to exercise the health of our minds, bodies, spirits and emotions in those rooms. The hotline number for Al-Anon in your area is in the white pages of your local telephone book...call it and find out where and when we meet in your area. Al-Anon is in most major countries on this planet....sooooo you're not alone. Welcome to MIP. (((((hugs)))))
I read so much in your post is "what can I do for him?" And the answer to that is nothing. In our welcome to the newcomer in AlAnon it says, "you think you come to AlAnon for the alcoholic, but actually you come because of him, and not for him." (That is a paraphrase, not the actual wording.) You need to learn how to live around alcoholism. You will go to meetings to learn what everyone else has learned or is still learning. We share our experiences, our strengths of what we have already learned about alcoholism, and our hopes of our futures either with or without alcoholism. Get yourself to meetings.
How to rebuild trust? Give it time. My favorite quote "Time heals all wounds, but time also wounds all heels". If he is a jerk you don't want to invest any more time into, that will come out with time. If you decide he is worth it, that will come out too.
In the meantime, run, run, run. Get ready for the marathons. Enjoy YOUR life. His AA buddies will take care of him like you can't.
In some small way take comfort in the fact he is admitting and trying. My active ah adm buts doesnt accept help ... He too us depressed and all if the other stuff that goes along with it. Mtgs are wonderful. This board a gift...and Gods grace abundant. I pray he keeps working it and hopebeyond hope mine will get to that place before it destrys me. ((( ))))
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
